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Report Finds You’d Probably Be Alone Tonight Anyway

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA – Gathering data from several models, scientists announced Monday that regardless of the nationwide shutdown, you’d probably be alone tonight anyway. “After running thousands of simulations of your actions on a typical Friday night, we can say with 95% confidence that 63% of simulations show you end up playing Minecraft alone,” the case study reads. Later, the report clarifies that the remaining 27% of simulations show you watching YouTube videos of other people playing Minecraft. “Additionally, 41% of simulations show you attempting to text your ex but then deleting the drafted message after 15 minutes of staring at it.”

At press time, scientists confirmed they will be submitting their research to the scientific journal, You Being a Little Bitch

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