PHILADELPHIA– Franklin is once again feeling the pressure of working in a city alongside two of the most iconic mascots in professional sports. “He threatened to light himself on fire in a Chickie’s and Pete’s bathroom when Gritty debuted back in September of 2018. Luckily his fur is flame retardant and several patrons pinned him to the ground and sang him Aerosmith songs until he felt better,” said Franklin’s mother and owner Mary Rexall. This time around, Franklin seems very upset that Ben Simmons is going to be traded and DM’ed the Phanatic some really dark shit. “Franklin and Ben had this tradition they would do every Tuesday morning: they would each get a Santucci’s original pizza and dump a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish cat food on it,” detailed Rexall. Rexall is asking fans to send Franklin videos of themselves eating this special treat to help him get through this tough time. Also, if Franklin’s favorite singer Steven Tyler is reading this, it might be cool if you sent The Satirer some $$$ so we can produce a few high-quality pizza videos to cheer Franklin up.

Damien Wendy

The post How Can We Help? The 76ers Mascot Franklin Is Talking About Hurting Himself Again appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Jimmy McGill of the City’s Bridesburg neighborhood has been counting the days until his sixteenth birthday, the day when he will finally be old enough to obtain a fishing license of his own. “I don’t know, I’m just so excited to be able to get out there on the open water to fish all by myself and not have to be with a licensed adult anymore.” McGill, who has felt like he was ready for a fishing license since he was twelve years old, detailed what will change now: “I can’t wait to go out fishing with a couple of friends, we will be able to fish as fast as we want or I can take a date out fishing alone, without having to hear my dad say stuff like, ‘Watch out! There might be snakes near that log.’ ” A misty-eyed Jim McGill Sr. watched as his son walked down the street towards the Delaware River, fishing pole in hand. The elder McGill sobbed, “They grow up so fast. I won’t stop worrying until he gets home safe. There’s so much trouble out there a kid could get into fishing alone.”

Damien Wendy

The post Teen Thinks He’s Finally Ready For The Type Of Freedom A Fishing License Brings appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– With another hot, sticky summer well underway, many above-ground swimming pools in our region are going unused. “I wouldn’t really want to swim in myself either, we are probably the saddest place you could ever swim,” bemoaned an above-ground pool located in Northeast Philadelphia. When asked if that is really true in a city where folks choose to swim in dumpsters, the pool responded, “Swimming in dumpsters is edgy and dangerous because you could catch something. All you’re gonna catch in me is an earache if you’re lucky.” The pool couldn’t really grasp the concept that people would rather swim it than a dumpster and its shitty self-deprecating attitude was driving people away. When told this, the pool responded, “You sound like the guys from Queer Eye. They showed up to give me a makeover and teach me to how to make avocado toast but left because they said I was a drag to be around.” The interview ended when a newly fledged bird began drowning in the pool, and when we tried to rescue it the pool screamed, “He’s mine! He’s my blood sacrifice.”

Damien Wendy

The post Breaking: Above-Ground Pool Wouldn’t Really Want To Swim In Itself Either appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, DC– New details have come to light over the controversial methods used to get an old man to cry in a Chevrolet Truck commercial that aired widely last fall and early winter. “There’s the right way to make an old man cry and then there’s the wrong way. In this case, Chevrolet definitely used the wrong way,” said Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg.

The details of the abuse came to light after concerned citizens began to wonder why the old man was crying in the first place and started asking questions. When reached for comment Chevrolet said: “Proper guidelines were followed to make the old man cry and that those who are not comfortable with this type of raw expression of emotion are trying to railroad us.”

When asked why The Department of Transportation was handling the investigation, Secretary Buttigieg responded, “because the abuse took place in a truck commercial and trucks are a form of transportation.”

Damien Wendy

The post Chevrolet Under Fire For Methods Used To Get Old Man To Cry In Truck Commercial appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– With the “hot vax” summer getting underway many folks have forgotten proper sex etiquette after not engaging in casual sex for over a year. “I looked at my phone pretty much every waking moment during quarantine so it’s hard to stop looking at it even during sex. How soon after sex is it chill to start looking at it again?” wondered Kensington resident Jay Deeley when we encountered him in our bed.

Mary McIntosh, from Planned Parenthood, has fielded hundreds of questions like Deeley’s. She advised: “Talk to your partner and see what they are comfortable with. Some people might even be cool with looking at phones during sex.”

The Satirer is advising that if someone goes into the bathroom after sex, it is ok to look at your phone because they are probably looking at theirs.

Damien Wendy

The post Local Man Wondering How Soon After Sex He’s Allowed To Start Looking At His Phone appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– A Kensington entrepreneur dreams of growing his “funny yet erotic” greeting card company to a place where people are shorting its stock. “This whole Wall Street bets thing got my creative juices flowing. It made me think what if I created a company that got super successful then crapped out and people were shorting the stock like AMC and GameStop,” said Tasteful Dudes Greeting Card Company founder Steven Bone. Bone who knows nothing about the greeting card business didn’t let that stop him from creating over two hundred greeting card concepts. “I’m not really an artist but I drew up like a bunch of different cards, some are XXX-rated, I also put together a pitch deck for prospective investors to take a look at. Now that bars are re-opened I’ve really been able to show the pitch deck to a bunch of people. Some people have even given me $20 or bought me a beer to leave them alone.” At press time, Bone began to realize that many greeting card companies aren’t publicly traded and was trying to pivot his concept to another type of business.

Damien Wendy

The post Entrepreneur Dreams Of Growing Business To A Place Where People Are Shorting Its Stock appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

CAMDEN, NJ– One of the Adventure Aquarium’s Southern Stingrays in the petting pool has been fantasizing about experiencing the caress of a human foot. Kahikilani, who goes by Karl, details his newfound desire: “I’ve been touched by hundreds, if not thousands, of human hands per day. That’s just not doing it for me anymore, I want to experience something new. Just once, I want to know what it feels like to have a human foot run over my hide.” 

The staff at Adventure Aquarium began to have a hunch about Karl’s new desires when they would wade into the petting pool for feedings and maintenance. “Karl was the only stingray who would hang around my feet when I would enter the pool. He seemed to have more interest in my feet than food sometimes,” said keeper Sandy Ott. 

The aquarium has put together a surprise for Karl’s upcoming birthday. Ott detailed that they will have a special experience called “Help Karl Feel Something” where interested parties can take off their shoes and rub their feet on Karl’s back. Anyone interested in helping Karl feel something should contact the Adventure Aquarium before August 1st.

Damien Wendy

The post Stingray In Petting Pool Fantasizes About Experiencing A Foot appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– A Fishtown couple believes that they have discovered the answer as to why their neighbor’s cat stares at length into their kitchen window. “We noticed our neighbor’s cat Nico staring in here for hours on end whenever we put something special on our kitchen table like a vase containing flowers or a large glass of chocolate milk,” said Maren Sullivan.

Sullivan and her husband Paul began conducting trials last spring during quarantine to see which items captured Nico’s attention the most. “We started to climb on our table to knock items off as a cat would and observed Nico’s reactions from next door. He was jumping around and going crazy in his window. It was as though he grew angry because he wanted to knock the Thomas Kinkade The Life Of Christ porcelain statue on the floor himself,” said Paul Sullivan.

Sadly, the study came to an abrupt end when Nico lost all interest in the Sullivans’ kitchen table due to a bird building a nest on the sill of his owner’s bathroom window.

Damien Wendy

The post Neighbor’s Cat Gazing Into Your Window Probably Surveying All The Stuff That Could Be Knocked Off The Table appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– With the release of Concrete Cowboy on Netflix this weekend, many city residents are reacting with extreme surprise that the film’s star Idris Elba was in town for filming and they didn’t know about it. “When Andre 3000 was here filming that TV show everybody saw him around town for like half a year, nobody saw Idris’s Elba’s handsome ass around at all. They had to hide him from the ladies,” said city resident Cliff Jenkins. The movie, which was filmed in Philadelphia during the summer of 2019, is based on the city’s legendary Fletcher Street Cowboys. Elba was inspired to make the movie after he saw a Black cowboy in Center City on a visit several years earlier. “Wait wait, Idris Elba was here twice, once for at least a month and I didn’t get to experience his beauty in person? I can’t believe I didn’t know James Bond was here,” said Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney. At press time, Philadelphians were trying to develop an alarm system that activates sirens and red flashing lights to alert residents when Idris Elba enters Philadelphia.

Damien Wendy

The post The Release Of The New Movie Concrete Cowboy Has Philadelphians Saying, ‘Holy Shit, Idris Elba Was Here!?!’ appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN ANTONIO, TX– More than a month after bringing deadly winter weather to Texas, winter storm Belrem still regrets not trying the brisket while there. “It was just poor planning on my part. Usually when I get a route assigned, I try to figure out what type of food I want to try along the way. I totally dropped the ball this time. I pigged out on queso and chips, didn’t leave any room for BBQ,” said Belrem. With winter weather on hiatus, Belrem has had plenty of time to think about his mistake. “I’ve spent countless hours looking at the menus for Bill Miller and Rudy’s, I’ve read the Yelp reviews. I think if I ever make it back to Texas, I’m definitely going to eat at Rudy’s.” When reached for comment, Rudy’s warned, “If he ever shows his face around here again, we’ve got some real special brisket lined up just for him– marinated in rat poison and smoked with burning car tires.” 

Damien Wendy

The post Deadly Winter Storm Regrets Not Trying Brisket While In Texas appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.