PHILADELPHIA– With another hot, sticky summer well underway, many above-ground swimming pools in our region are going unused. “I wouldn’t really want to swim in myself either, we are probably the saddest place you could ever swim,” bemoaned an above-ground pool located in Northeast Philadelphia. When asked if that is really true in a city where folks choose to swim in dumpsters, the pool responded, “Swimming in dumpsters is edgy and dangerous because you could catch something. All you’re gonna catch in me is an earache if you’re lucky.” The pool couldn’t really grasp the concept that people would rather swim it than a dumpster and its shitty self-deprecating attitude was driving people away. When told this, the pool responded, “You sound like the guys from Queer Eye. They showed up to give me a makeover and teach me to how to make avocado toast but left because they said I was a drag to be around.” The interview ended when a newly fledged bird began drowning in the pool, and when we tried to rescue it the pool screamed, “He’s mine! He’s my blood sacrifice.”
