BROOKLYN, NY- Theft is all around us, but rarely taken seriously until it happens to you. American fashion model and thief, Gigi Hadid, has been the talk of the town after sharing her spicy rigatoni recipe on Instagram last week, but little do they know that this high fashion hijacker stole the recipe from my dear Grandmother. Now, it is vengeance I seek.
My Grandma’s World Famous Spicy Rigatoni Recipe first hit national news when she was featured in Best Pasta Digest in 1983. She had been developing this recipe since 1962 when she started experimenting with cream based pasta sauces. By 1965, The Temptations had just released their second studio album, The Temptations Sing Smokey, where they sang the line, “Uh oh spaghetti-o/put some spicy flavor in that pasta bowl.” And that memorable phrase helped inspire what was to become the greatest vodka sauce the world has ever seen.
There has only been one previous attempt to steal My Grandmother’s Secret Spicy Rigatoni Recipe. During the height of his run on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno nearly stole it to complete his cookbook, Jay Leno’s Kitchen. This attack on the family left us with no choice, but to seal away My Grandmother’s Legendary Spicy Rigatoni Recipe in a vault deep underground to ensure no one could ever lay eyes on it.
That was until Gigi Hadid came along and ruined my family’s legacy. This egregious act will NOT go unpunished.
Before reaching the vault there are obstacles one must face to reach My Grandma’s Spicy Rigatoni Recipe, one of mind and one of body. Gigi first had to answer a Bridge Troll’s riddle three. The second task, one of strength, requires one to face off against Hulk Hogan in a no disqualifications wrestling match. Gigi performed a perfect Tombstone Piledriver on Hulk Hogan and pinned him in an epic fight. This opened the door to the vault, revealing My Grandma’s Spicy Rigatoni Recipe. The evil crook, Gigi, snatched the recipe and made it the most popular recipe on the planet.
My Grandmother’s Spicy Rigatoni Recipe brought upon the family great fortune and now it has been shattered to pieces. The retribution I seek is to obtain the recipe for Grandma Hadid’s Famous Broccoli Pie. Then, can I make the broccoli pie the newest and hottest recipe in America, and everyone will remember it as MY Broccoli Pie Recipe. People will shout in the streets, “This is NOT the Hadid Family Broccoli Pie, I shall make it for my Thanksgiving Day feast!” and that will be my legacy. If my needs are not satisfied, I will smite the Hadid family from the earth by placing them into a fiery cauldron of My Grandma’s Spicy Rigatoni Sauce.
If you know where the Hadid Family vault is located, and how to penetrate it, please leave a comment in the description.
