PHILADELPHIA – A new report from the city of brotherly love details that Eagles PPE masks used to protect you from COVID-19 will not in fact protect you from a punch thrown by a Dallas Cowboys fan. The bulk of data was gathered last Wednesday by U.S. Postal Service field worker Shawn Givens, who was delivering a package to known Cowboys fan Will Bryant. “I was suited up for battle with my Eagles mask on,” details Mailman Givens. “I knocked on Will’s door and asked when his lame-ass was getting a mask to show his love for them limp-dick Cowboys. Next thing I know he was coming down the steps swinging.” Givens suffered a broken nose in the fracas and had to be taken to Jefferson Hospital for concussion testing. “I was feeling pretty invincible, like nothing could get me wearing my Eagles mask, but it didn’t protect me from getting my nose broke. I’m beginning to wonder if these masks will really protect people from the ‘rona,” mused a defeated Givens from his hospital bed. At press time, the U.S. Postal Service cautioned against being a blatant asshole to fans of rival sports teams until more data on masks is gathered.
