PHILADELPHIA – Scientists working with the Philadelphia Streets Department reported Tuesday that the barf levels outside of Citizens Bank Park have dropped by nearly 40% during the City’s shelter in place order. “An average Phillies game brings out around 27,000 fans who produce 934 gallons of barf. I can see the number dropping a little without all those folks slamming beers, pounding hotdogs, and sucking down Dippin’ Dots. However, there is a drive-through Coronavirus testing site in the parking lot which I’ve seen people tailgating for so I would think that would help keep our barf numbers up in a healthy range, but they just aren’t where we need them to be right now,” said scientist Walter Gregory. The economic impact of the lack of barf will not be known for some time. Gregory speculated that jobs could be lost and the varmints/vermin who rely on the barf to feed their families could go hungry. Gregory and a team of scientists are working around the clock with the mayor’s office to come up with a barf stimulus plan for the grounds around Citizens Bank Park. At press time, the Streets Department was considering importing barf from the sidewalks around Pat’s and Geno’s to help maintain the delicate balance of the Citizens Bank Park sidewalk ecosystem.
