PHILADELPHIA – Backyard gardener Mary Lee decided to expand the number of tomato plants she grew this year from two to four. However, she was not ready for the horrific amount of added stress that comes with the extra plants. “Usually I grow one regular-sized heirloom variety like Cherokee Purple and one cherry tomato plant like a Sungold, but this year, oh no, I had to be a hero and go big. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. With the quarantine, I just sit out in my backyard all day long smoking and staring at the green tomatoes wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with these when they ripen.” Lee, 34, had never been a smoker but took up the habit as a coping mechanism for this major life stress.
When asked about current events, Lee exhibited a somewhat Zen attitude towards the global pandemic, recession, and civil uprisings gripping the world right now. “No, I can’t even think about that stuff right now because it’s so fucking stressful knowing that I don’t have enough friends to give these tomatoes to next month when they start to ripen. I’m trying my best to learn how to preserve them but I don’t think I can do it. My boyfriend Chris has this super fucking nonchalant attitude like, ‘We will cross that bridge when we come to it,’ and, ‘maybe they won’t ripen all at once.’ I keep calling a gardening hotline but they have asked me not to call back. What the fuck is that? I need help. I should just rip the cherry tomato plants the fuck out right now! They were a mistake! Why the fuck are they even called Cherry tomatoes? They should be called baby tomatoes. I should have grown peppers or flowers instead.”
Ms. Lee did not believe that she was transferring stress from other events onto her tomato plants and asked when reporters became therapists.
At press time, Lee has decided to keep all of her tomato plants and in a rare break from editorial protocol, the staff at The Philadelphia Satirer has agreed to help her eat the tomatoes when they begin to ripen next month.
