You win some… and sometimes you lose some, sometimes.

This caterpillar was just like every other caterpillar. She was eating some milkweed, doing her thing. About 14 days later it was time for her big glow up. She took her journey to find a nice cozy spot to pupate… you know someplace on a stick. After making her chrysalis it was time for a lil’ nap. ‘Bout a week later it was time for the big reveal! But oh no… oh man. This caterpillar’s transformation got kinda messed up. I don’t think the left wing is supposed to look like that. Her legs are kind of boney. And wait, she just looks like a boring old moth now. That’s kind of disappointing. Guess better luck next time!

Matt Roskin

The post This Caterpillar’s Transformation Wasn’t That Great appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Jimmy McGill of the City’s Bridesburg neighborhood has been counting the days until his sixteenth birthday, the day when he will finally be old enough to obtain a fishing license of his own. “I don’t know, I’m just so excited to be able to get out there on the open water to fish all by myself and not have to be with a licensed adult anymore.” McGill, who has felt like he was ready for a fishing license since he was twelve years old, detailed what will change now: “I can’t wait to go out fishing with a couple of friends, we will be able to fish as fast as we want or I can take a date out fishing alone, without having to hear my dad say stuff like, ‘Watch out! There might be snakes near that log.’ ” A misty-eyed Jim McGill Sr. watched as his son walked down the street towards the Delaware River, fishing pole in hand. The elder McGill sobbed, “They grow up so fast. I won’t stop worrying until he gets home safe. There’s so much trouble out there a kid could get into fishing alone.”

Damien Wendy

The post Teen Thinks He’s Finally Ready For The Type Of Freedom A Fishing License Brings appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – Over a week ago, Philadelphia Police responded to the I-676 expressway, between the 20th and 10th Street bridges, in order to render assistance to the absolutely drenched asphalt that is normally filled with stressed motorists crossing three lanes of traffic to make their exit.

To reopen this essential artery way, two teams from the Philadelphia Police SWAT Unit arrived. While SWAT officers were present, poop particles began assaulting the officers’ olfactory systems from the safety of the large crowd of water molecules.

The SWAT officers gave numerous orders for the water to return home to the slightly less poopy borders of the Schuylkill River. After the water stayed stagnant, SWAT Teams deployed tear gas onto I-676, marking the second time in little over a year police have fired these munitions onto this same stretch of interstate.

“We have repeatedly assured our great communities that we will protect, preserve, and uphold every water molecule’s constitutional right to assemble. However, we can not tolerate the clogging of a throughway or acts of smell violence by floating doodies hiding in the safety of other fluids,” stated Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw, adding, “Today’s deployment of tear gas was a means to safely diffuse a volatile and dangerous situation, and restore order, when it became increasingly clear that other measures were ineffective in accomplishing that necessary objective.”

Continued Outlaw, “Also, our officers just really enjoy using all their toys even if the flood waters barely noticed the impact.”

Despite the persistence of the water on the interstate, a second SWAT Team was dispatched to the Schuylkill River to force the flood waters back to their appropriate boundaries. At press time, several ambulances had been dispatched after multiple officers fired their tasers into water.

Mark Manning

The post Philly Police Fire Teargas At Flood On I-676 To Clear Out Water appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

CAMDEN, NJ– One of the Adventure Aquarium’s Southern Stingrays in the petting pool has been fantasizing about experiencing the caress of a human foot. Kahikilani, who goes by Karl, details his newfound desire: “I’ve been touched by hundreds, if not thousands, of human hands per day. That’s just not doing it for me anymore, I want to experience something new. Just once, I want to know what it feels like to have a human foot run over my hide.” 

The staff at Adventure Aquarium began to have a hunch about Karl’s new desires when they would wade into the petting pool for feedings and maintenance. “Karl was the only stingray who would hang around my feet when I would enter the pool. He seemed to have more interest in my feet than food sometimes,” said keeper Sandy Ott. 

The aquarium has put together a surprise for Karl’s upcoming birthday. Ott detailed that they will have a special experience called “Help Karl Feel Something” where interested parties can take off their shoes and rub their feet on Karl’s back. Anyone interested in helping Karl feel something should contact the Adventure Aquarium before August 1st.

Damien Wendy

The post Stingray In Petting Pool Fantasizes About Experiencing A Foot appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – Infants as young as six months old can begin to recognize the world around them. By age two, they can assign names to things. At five, children have an acute awareness of all fifty states that make up the union of the United States of America. Parents: Your kids know more than you think. As a result, it is imperative that parents acknowledge and begin conversations with their children at an early age to explain that the state bird of Pennsylvania is the ruffed grouse.  “The ruffed grouse was an important part of the food supply for early North American settlers, and it’s still a familiar sight in Pennsylvania forests today,” child psychologist Adam Newler explained, “and young children are perceptive of this, even without parental influence.” According to Newler, it’s never too early to talk to children about the state bird of Pennsylvania or the state flower or the state fossil.  Which are the mountain laurel and trilobite, respectively. “We don’t want our youth to develop an unhealthy relationship with what are simply the facts of life or, more specifically, the facts of Pennsylvania,” said Newler. “If parents can get out in front of these things, I believe we can look forward to a future full of individuals who are really good at local trivia.” While Newler admits that talking about Pennsylvania’s state bird, the ruffed grouse, with your children might be uncomfortable, he can assure that it won’t be nearly as difficult as talking with your children about the consequences of bee population decline.    

Zachary Decker

The post It’s Never Too Early To Talk To Your Kids About The State Bird Of Pennsylvania appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN ANTONIO, TX– More than a month after bringing deadly winter weather to Texas, winter storm Belrem still regrets not trying the brisket while there. “It was just poor planning on my part. Usually when I get a route assigned, I try to figure out what type of food I want to try along the way. I totally dropped the ball this time. I pigged out on queso and chips, didn’t leave any room for BBQ,” said Belrem. With winter weather on hiatus, Belrem has had plenty of time to think about his mistake. “I’ve spent countless hours looking at the menus for Bill Miller and Rudy’s, I’ve read the Yelp reviews. I think if I ever make it back to Texas, I’m definitely going to eat at Rudy’s.” When reached for comment, Rudy’s warned, “If he ever shows his face around here again, we’ve got some real special brisket lined up just for him– marinated in rat poison and smoked with burning car tires.” 

Damien Wendy

The post Deadly Winter Storm Regrets Not Trying Brisket While In Texas appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

1. Schuylkill River
2. Delaware River

References:

• Devastation on the Delaware: Stories and Images of the Deadly Flood of 1955 (2005, Word Forge Books, Ferndale, PA) The only comprehensive documentary of this weather disaster in the Delaware River Valley.
• Leach, Josiah Granville (1902). “Commodore John Hazlewood, Commander of the Pennsylvania Navy in the Revolution”. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography, Vol. 26, No. 1 (1902), pp. 1–6 and The Historical Society of Pennsylvania. 26 (1): 1–6. JSTOR 20086007.
• McGeorge, Wallace (1905). The Battle of Red Bank, resulting in the defeat of the Hessians and the destruction of the British frigate Augusta, Oct. 22 and 23, 1777. Camden, New Jersey, Sinnickson Chew, printers.
• Leach, Josiah Granville (1902). “Commodore John Hazlewood, Commander of the Pennsylvania Navy in the Revolution”. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography. The Pennsylvania Magazine of History and Biography, Vol. 26, No. 1 (1902), pp. 1–6 and The Historical Society of Pennsylvania. 26 (1): 1–6. JSTOR 20086007.
• Savas, Theodore (2006). Guide to the Battles of the American Revolution. Savas Beatie. ISBN 1-932714-12-X.
• Oxford Dictionary: definition of Schuylkill River (American English)
• Definition of SCHUYLKILL”. www.merriam-webster.com.
• U.S. Geological Survey. National Hydrography Dataset high-resolution flowline data. The National Map  Archived 2012-04-05 at WebCite, accessed April 1, 2011
• Donnalley, Thomas K., Hand book of tribal names of Pennsylvania, together with signification of Indian words, Philadelphia:Donnalley, (1908), p. 37
• The Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education
• Pennypacker, Samuel Whitaker, Annals of Phoenixville and Its Vicinity: From the Settlement to the Year 1871, Giving the Origin etc., Philadelphia:Bavis &Pennypacker, 1872, p.1
• Scharf, Thomas (1884). History of Philadelphia: 1609 – 1834. Philadelphia: L. H. Everts & Co. ISBN 9785883517104.
• Nickels, Thom (June 6, 2001). Manayunk. Arcadia Publishing. ISBN 9780738505114.
• Pennypacker, Samuel Whitaker (1872). Annals of Phoenixville and Its Vicinity: From the Settlement to the Year 1871. Phoenixville, PA: Bavis & Pennypacker, printers. pp. 5.

Russ Bizaro

The post A List Of All 2 Major Rivers That Flow Through Philadelphia. You Won’t Believe Number 2! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Calling their innovation “a breakthrough in modern snacking,” food scientists from Nabisco announced Monday that they are working with the manufacturers of Gushers on more realistic animal crackers. “We know what children want, and it’s authenticity,” explained Nabisco CEO Phillip Dramaton, who went on to say that children will finally be able to experience that happy feeling you get from decapitating a tiny giraffe in one bite. “This amazing snack has everything. That perfect animal shape, a delicious beige cracker taste, and a realistic explosion of animal innards in your mouth.” When asked what the new insides are made from, Dramaton replied, “The same as Gushers, real animal bits.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Animal Crackers Working With Gushers To Develop More Realistic Snack appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

TALLAHASSEE, FL– A new study conducted by the Anthro-Oceanography and Marine Sociology Department at Florida State University has determined on Tuesday that every time someone sees the ocean for the first time someone else sees it for their last. “The vastness of the sea, for a person who has never witnessed it before, will absolutely take their breath away. What we’re learning though is, that for others, that breath never comes back,” graduate student Melissa Clearwater explained about her lab’s latest findings adding, “All of us at the lab couldn’t be happier with the sadness of our findings.” The new report cites examples of children joyously splashing around in the warm waters of the Atlantic while, simultaneously, a surfer in the Pacific is consumed by the current and drowns to death. In other instances it was found that while someone laughs at the beauty of the ocean, someone else not far away is balling their eyes out after having their glasses swept away by a wave. After presenting her research, Clearwater concluded, “There’s something almost poetic about all of this. Human lives, much like the ocean’s tides, exist in cycles…except, you know, the ocean will be around forever.” Our most recent report from Clearwater’s lab has confirmed that the entire facility has been devastated by a tsunami.

Zachary Decker

The post New Study Finds that Every Time Someone Sees the Ocean for the First Time Someone Else Sees it for Their Last appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Defending his statements even though no one said anything about it, neighbor Steve Hilford clarified on Wednesday that although he finds one of the local dogs handsome, it’s not in a sexual way. “I think he’s just so cute, but not in that way,” explained Hilford, adding that although the dog has beautiful eyes, he wouldn’t want to gaze into them over dinner at his favorite restaurant. “He’s got really healthy looking teeth, but that doesn’t mean I’d want to kiss him while we watch Netflix or anything. And even though he has the most adorable paws, I would never imagine sliding a ring onto one of them after getting down on one knee and saying, ‘Bingo, will you marry me?’ “ Hilford added that although he is man’s best friend, he can’t see them becoming more than that. When asked for comment, the dog said, “sorry pal but I don’t swing that way.”

Russ Bizaro

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