PHILADELPHIA – Over a week ago, Philadelphia Police responded to the I-676 expressway, between the 20th and 10th Street bridges, in order to render assistance to the absolutely drenched asphalt that is normally filled with stressed motorists crossing three lanes of traffic to make their exit.
To reopen this essential artery way, two teams from the Philadelphia Police SWAT Unit arrived. While SWAT officers were present, poop particles began assaulting the officers’ olfactory systems from the safety of the large crowd of water molecules.
The SWAT officers gave numerous orders for the water to return home to the slightly less poopy borders of the Schuylkill River. After the water stayed stagnant, SWAT Teams deployed tear gas onto I-676, marking the second time in little over a year police have fired these munitions onto this same stretch of interstate.
“We have repeatedly assured our great communities that we will protect, preserve, and uphold every water molecule’s constitutional right to assemble. However, we can not tolerate the clogging of a throughway or acts of smell violence by floating doodies hiding in the safety of other fluids,” stated Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw, adding, “Today’s deployment of tear gas was a means to safely diffuse a volatile and dangerous situation, and restore order, when it became increasingly clear that other measures were ineffective in accomplishing that necessary objective.”
Continued Outlaw, “Also, our officers just really enjoy using all their toys even if the flood waters barely noticed the impact.”
Despite the persistence of the water on the interstate, a second SWAT Team was dispatched to the Schuylkill River to force the flood waters back to their appropriate boundaries. At press time, several ambulances had been dispatched after multiple officers fired their tasers into water.