PHILADELPHIA- The Kimmel Center has announced its 2022-2023 line up, and theatergoers across the city have been aroused by the news that Franklin will be making its international debut. Describing the musical as “all the eroticism of 50 Shades of Grey meets the informative value of a three hour History Channel documentary,” lyricist Harry Hancock believes the musical gives audiences what Hamilton was missing: the sexualization of one of America’s most beloved Founding Fathers. 

Hancock was first inspired after discovering the entire Wattpad catalog of Hamilton fanfiction. Clearly, there was a demand for eroticism within the setting of Colonial America. When conceiving the plot, Hancock turned to America’s most historically accurate horndog, Benjamin Franklin. After reading a single biography, Hancock was prepared to rewrite history. Not only would this Franklin be woke, but also sex positive.

With composer Cyn-Annabelle Atlanta, the pair were prepared to create a masterpiece that would stimulate the mind in various ways. With many twists and turns, audiences may forget what’s true and what was added to make an 18th century historical figure woke enough for modern audiences. “One minute Ben’s rapping passages from Poor Richard’s Almanac and the next he’s pole dancing on a printing press,” said Atlanta when asked what audiences could expect of the debut production.

Some critics have raised concerns that a focus on objectification could overlook more problematic areas of the Founding Father’s life. Hancock’s response: “Sure it is factually correct that Benjamin Franklin owned at least two slaves during his lifetime, but mentioning that might be a turn-off from the finale: an orgy-esque signing of the Constitution. We’re here to electrocute some hearts and groins, not unpack the problematic political-economic conditions of Early America.”

While the cast for Franklin has not been announced, critics have speculated one city native has edged out the competition to perform the titular role in the city of Step-Brotherly love. 

Evie Klein

The post It’s Like Hamilton But Hornier: New Musical About Benjamin Franklin to Open at Kimmel Center appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Calling all activists: 

The city is in dire need of help with its main bell, known to some as “the Liberty Bell.” We are asking people to sign this petition to raise awareness of what appears to be a massive crack that has formed. We’re not sure if any of the city’s leaders are yet aware of the damage, or if we’re the first people to notice, so please sign here so we can let the mayor know as soon as possible. Time is of the essence with these things.

I first noticed it when I was in the line to see the bell and I can’t be sure, but I think it got bigger as I was standing there. Based on my quick analysis, it’s definitely a fresh crack so it must’ve happened within the past week or so. My theory is that a group of teens did it as a way to commit vandalism. But they weren’t too smart because they left their names engraved on the back. So if anyone knows the whereabouts of the “Pass and Stow” gang, please reach out.

When I pointed out this new crack to the staff, several of the tour guides tried to tell me the bell’s crack has been there since February of 1846, but don’t believe them because it’s obviously a lie. There’s no way the city would leave such an important national treasure in total disrepair for this long. Do you think New York City would leave the Statue of Liberty up if its beautiful copper-brown exterior turned green in the rain? Absolutely not. Philly needs to get its act together. Just the other day I saw a tattered American flag that only had 13 stars on it. The last time I checked, the flag had 48! We have an image to hold up as a country.

You know what, I just had a totally unique idea. What if instead of fixing it, we leave the crack as it is and embrace it as a symbol for American resilience. But on the other hand it kinda looks like dog shit. 

Sign today and make your voices heard! We already have 1 signature.

Russ Bizaro

The post Sign This Petition To Help The City Get Its Bell Fixed appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Zach Jones, a regular customer at Ultimo Coffee, was the recent victim of a theft after he entrusted his Macbook Pro with a fellow patron who turned out to be a serial laptop bandit. The heist occurred when Jones was forced to interrupt his screenwriting session due to his rapid ingestion of a 32-oz cold brew latte. Jones promptly closed his Twitter feed and made preparations for a restroom interlude but was hesitant to fully dismantle his work station. “My table was right by a wall outlet,” he explained to reporters at the scene. “That’s prime real estate!” 

Jones attributed his “prudent nature” as being behind the decision to enlist a fellow customer to protect his property during his absence. When asked why he felt comfortable trusting a stranger with a $2400 computer, Jones pointed out that he actually knew this man fairly well after several exchanges of “friendly eye contact” that had occurred in the eighteen minutes since he had sat down. “Plus this guy already had a laptop,” Jones added. “I didn’t think people stole things if they already had one of their own.”

The loss has been devastating for Jones, who now faces the prospect of having to rewrite his screenplay from the beginning. “I poured my heart and soul into that script,” he said of his lost work, which reportedly consisted of a working title and the first scene heading.

Gregory Virgin

The post Coffee Shop Customer Mistakenly Asks Career Criminal To Guard Laptop During Restroom Visit appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Traffic court can be a crazy place. Which one of these rookie mistakes did you make your first time?

1. When the judge asked me to plead, I said “Please daddy”
2. I wore a shirt that said “The ‘L’ in Law stands for Loser”
3. I sneezed really hard, knocking the glasses off of the judge’s face to reveal that he was actually beautiful all along
4. I forgot to give the prosecution a tender, loving kiss on the forehead
5. I pointed to the statue of Lady Justice and said “kinky”
6. I wore wheelies and rolled in and out of the courtroom
7. I asked the bailiff if we could trade guns, and he immediately tackled me 
8. I attempted to pay the fine with Dogecoin
9. In an effort to make sure the cop couldn’t show up to my trial, I placed a banana peel at the foot of his car so that he’d comically slip and fall. Also I slashed his tires just in case. 
10. I neglected to study for and pass the bar exam in order to properly prepare for my trial
11. Thinking I’d be publicly executed for my crimes, I wrote a last will and testament, giving all of my worldly possessions to the Department of Homeland Security
12. I asked for a trial by combat, and brought my own sword, but it was one of those little cocktail swords, and I was promptly informed that only regulation rapiers are allowed

How many have you done?

0-4: What are you, a cop? You’ve only made a handful of these very common mistakes? Liar. 

5-8: You could be doing a little better, but you also could be doing a little worse. You’re at a healthy medium, like the amount of frosting in a “Double Stuf” Oreo, which is actually slightly less than double the normal amount, and should serve as the base amount of frosting in Oreos, while a real “Double Stuf” should be twice the stuff of what is now a “Double Stuf.”

9-12: Jesus Christ man. Did you even try? People like you are the reason the United States Justice system is broken. No other reason. Just you. Be better. 

Kai Nelson

The post Quiz: Which Of These Rookie Mistakes Did You Make Your First Time In Traffic Court? appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– The search for six missing day-drinkers continues at Independence Beer Garden today after last evening’s fatal oversized-Jenga collapse that left at least two dead.  After what started as an ordinary Center City Sips event, including countless craft beers and bag toss, tragedy struck when a game of oversized-Jenga collapsed onto a group of freshmen finance majors.  “It all happened so fast,” Hunter Brillopad, a Sips patron, recalled, “all of a sudden this epic Jenga game my boys had going on just came crashing down on everyone, it was not chill.” 

There have been two confirmed deaths related to the incident and it is believed that six more bros are missing amongst the rubble.  Of the six, all have been reported to be wearing pastel-colored button ups with sleeves rolled to the elbow, Dockers shorts with little embroidered flamingo or anchor details, and Sperrys. 

As emergency personnel tirelessly continue their efforts to find the missing persons, the City is gearing up for an onslaught of legal activity after being told that each of the victim’s dads are high-profile lawyers.  One such lawyer, Bradley Wiltshire, had this to say, “I’ve gotten my son out of bigger messes than a pile of jumbo-sized Jenga blocks, like that hazing incident at the fraternity or vehicular manslaughter charge.  I’ll see you in court, tough guy.” 

As a community mourns the loss of their drinking buddies and a City searches for answers in the aftermath of a devastating tragedy, one ray of hope remains clear, the entire incident was captured on video and went viral on Barstool. 

Zachary Decker

The post Two Dead, Six Missing After Oversized-Jenga Blocks Collapse At Beer Garden appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– With another hot, sticky summer well underway, many above-ground swimming pools in our region are going unused. “I wouldn’t really want to swim in myself either, we are probably the saddest place you could ever swim,” bemoaned an above-ground pool located in Northeast Philadelphia. When asked if that is really true in a city where folks choose to swim in dumpsters, the pool responded, “Swimming in dumpsters is edgy and dangerous because you could catch something. All you’re gonna catch in me is an earache if you’re lucky.” The pool couldn’t really grasp the concept that people would rather swim it than a dumpster and its shitty self-deprecating attitude was driving people away. When told this, the pool responded, “You sound like the guys from Queer Eye. They showed up to give me a makeover and teach me to how to make avocado toast but left because they said I was a drag to be around.” The interview ended when a newly fledged bird began drowning in the pool, and when we tried to rescue it the pool screamed, “He’s mine! He’s my blood sacrifice.”

Damien Wendy

The post Breaking: Above-Ground Pool Wouldn’t Really Want To Swim In Itself Either appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Shifting from least favorite friend to one of the coolest guys around, toxic friend Chase Langford is actually pretty awesome after purchasing a vacation home. “Chase has been a harmful person to have around the past couple years, but I’m finally ready to forgive and forget after he came to his senses and bought a beautiful 5 bedroom in Sea Isle City,” says friend Andrea Glassman, adding that it takes a courageous person to recognize when they’re in the wrong and splurge on a property just one block from the beach. “We were still planning to cut him out of our lives until he mentioned something about a pool, which is when we realized how Chase is such a good dude. Buying a house that’s close to the beach and comes with a pool? Chase is really making changes from within.” Glassman noted she started to see the positive change in Chase once he finally got professional help from a licensed real estate agent. “One thing that’s awesome is a bunch of his family just died this past year which means more rooms for us.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Toxic Friend Actually Pretty Cool After Purchase Of Vacation Home appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– On full display for all to see on the corner of Broad Street and Washington Avenue, cement poured less than an hour ago eagerly invites a daring finger or two to slip in and explore its wetness. “There’s nothing more titillating than wet cement,” Veronica Holmes, a passerby, commented, “if I wasn’t so afraid of what others would say, I’d bury my entire face in it.”

While most sidewalk users echoed Holmes’ comment, others could be seen crossing the street to avoid the recently laid cement.

When asked if the Wet Cement sign posted nearby could be deterring people from having a meaningful experience with the new sidewalk, Sean Masters, a representative from the construction company responsible for the renovation, clarified that “the sign is in no way meant to be interpreted as a warning. We encourage anyone who wants to have a little fun with the fresh walkway to feel free to do so.” 

With an enthusiastic yes, please go-ahead and give the wet cement a little fingering, however it should be noted that spitting and poop-stuff is not really the sidewalk’s thing.  So clean up after your dogs.

Zachary Decker

The post Wet Cement Begging To Have Finger Put In It appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– With the “hot vax” summer getting underway many folks have forgotten proper sex etiquette after not engaging in casual sex for over a year. “I looked at my phone pretty much every waking moment during quarantine so it’s hard to stop looking at it even during sex. How soon after sex is it chill to start looking at it again?” wondered Kensington resident Jay Deeley when we encountered him in our bed.

Mary McIntosh, from Planned Parenthood, has fielded hundreds of questions like Deeley’s. She advised: “Talk to your partner and see what they are comfortable with. Some people might even be cool with looking at phones during sex.”

The Satirer is advising that if someone goes into the bathroom after sex, it is ok to look at your phone because they are probably looking at theirs.

Damien Wendy

The post Local Man Wondering How Soon After Sex He’s Allowed To Start Looking At His Phone appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

CAMDEN, NJ– One of the Adventure Aquarium’s Southern Stingrays in the petting pool has been fantasizing about experiencing the caress of a human foot. Kahikilani, who goes by Karl, details his newfound desire: “I’ve been touched by hundreds, if not thousands, of human hands per day. That’s just not doing it for me anymore, I want to experience something new. Just once, I want to know what it feels like to have a human foot run over my hide.” 

The staff at Adventure Aquarium began to have a hunch about Karl’s new desires when they would wade into the petting pool for feedings and maintenance. “Karl was the only stingray who would hang around my feet when I would enter the pool. He seemed to have more interest in my feet than food sometimes,” said keeper Sandy Ott. 

The aquarium has put together a surprise for Karl’s upcoming birthday. Ott detailed that they will have a special experience called “Help Karl Feel Something” where interested parties can take off their shoes and rub their feet on Karl’s back. Anyone interested in helping Karl feel something should contact the Adventure Aquarium before August 1st.

Damien Wendy

The post Stingray In Petting Pool Fantasizes About Experiencing A Foot appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.