PHILADELPHIA – Over a week ago, Philadelphia Police responded to the I-676 expressway, between the 20th and 10th Street bridges, in order to render assistance to the absolutely drenched asphalt that is normally filled with stressed motorists crossing three lanes of traffic to make their exit.

To reopen this essential artery way, two teams from the Philadelphia Police SWAT Unit arrived. While SWAT officers were present, poop particles began assaulting the officers’ olfactory systems from the safety of the large crowd of water molecules.

The SWAT officers gave numerous orders for the water to return home to the slightly less poopy borders of the Schuylkill River. After the water stayed stagnant, SWAT Teams deployed tear gas onto I-676, marking the second time in little over a year police have fired these munitions onto this same stretch of interstate.

“We have repeatedly assured our great communities that we will protect, preserve, and uphold every water molecule’s constitutional right to assemble. However, we can not tolerate the clogging of a throughway or acts of smell violence by floating doodies hiding in the safety of other fluids,” stated Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw, adding, “Today’s deployment of tear gas was a means to safely diffuse a volatile and dangerous situation, and restore order, when it became increasingly clear that other measures were ineffective in accomplishing that necessary objective.”

Continued Outlaw, “Also, our officers just really enjoy using all their toys even if the flood waters barely noticed the impact.”

Despite the persistence of the water on the interstate, a second SWAT Team was dispatched to the Schuylkill River to force the flood waters back to their appropriate boundaries. At press time, several ambulances had been dispatched after multiple officers fired their tasers into water.

Mark Manning

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Mark Manning

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NEW YORK– Midway through a markedly poor performance review, local Trader Joe’s manager Myles Colvin developed a sneaking suspicion that the most recent hire, Shane Marshall, was…enjoying it? 

“I was kind of dreading it cause Shane’s so positive but objectively terrible at his job. I started to feel uncomfortable when his smile got bigger with each negative score,” shared Colvin, adding that reviews are required every three months but Shane asked for performance reviews bi-weekly so he doesn’t have to wait to be scolded. “Then, he asked if the rest of the team could listen in or if he could record it for everyone to listen to later. That made me uncomfortable so I ended it right there. We didn’t even get to cover how we use mops to clean up spills at Trader Joe’s and that there is no need to get on your hands and knees to lick up our store’s freshly squeezed limeade.”

After reviewing his personnel file, Trader Joe’s human resources head for New York City, Sarah Crawford, commented, “On paper, Shane Marshall seemed to be an ideal candidate. He asked me to go on the record about his performance but, now that I think about it, it’s just another in a long list of red flags.” Crawford added that the first warning sign might have been when the interview went over because Marshall needed extra time to share his weaknesses in great detail. “The first time he was written up, it was for crushing heads of cabbage with his boots and asking the shift lead to yell at him in front of the customers. That is not how we restock produce at Trader Joe’s.”

Before he zipped up his full body latex suit and put the ball gag in his mouth to tow his mistress home after his Sunday shift, Marshall asked for The Satirer to “publish his full name so everyone would know he was a really naughty boy” and to “use his YouTube video of him licking up the spilled limeade to show how bad he was being.”

Mark Manning

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Mark Manning

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WASHINGTON D.C.- Now that President-Elect Joe Biden has been sworn in as the Commander-In-Chief, Americans are bracing for an uptick in centrist violence as his victory has emboldened even the most moderate citizens. “As if the Biden campaign’s message of ‘Change…But Not Too Fast’ wasn’t terrifying enough, we have celebrities like Matthew McConaughey inciting far-center moderates to action by championing becoming ‘aggressively centric,’” warned Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) researcher Miranda Rhodes. “Now we’re expecting to see a marked increase in extreme acts of moderate terror like ghosting after just two dates, changing lanes without using turn signals, and complaining about bosses to coworkers.” The stock market, in response to Biden’s inauguration, had a remarkably average day. Although the Biden administration won’t be nearly as anti-capitalist as a more leftist government, Rhodes stressed that workplace gossip can still escalate and hurt your boss’s feelings.

Mark Manning

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Mark Manning

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ATLANTA — Asserting yet again that COVID-19 spreads primarily through respiratory droplets, the CDC begged Americans to stop sneezing up into the air so their friends could run through high-speed snot drizzle like a broken fire hydrant’s spray on a humid summer day in the city. “Look, arguing with a Trader Joe’s employee about having to wear your mask the whole time you’re shopping is one thing but this shit is extra dumb,” explained CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield, before threatening that he’ll flood the Internet – even the porn sites, if he has too – with boring public service announcements if the trend doesn’t stop immediately. “Can’t you goofs just go back to selling essential oils instead of pretending to be a mucus diffuser? I mean goddamn.” After the press conference, the CDC immediately started another public relations campaign to warn Americans about the dangers of performing anilingus on strangers because “you all just can’t keep your fluids to yourself, can you?”

Mark Manning

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TOLEDO, OH – The marquee panel discussion at this year’s Association of Romantic Novelists and Romance Enthusiasts Convention surprised attendees with the results of a decades-long clandestine research project about the best way to describe women’s nether regions. “We’re thrilled to have finally settled on a word to accurately represent one’s womanhood,” shared Ernest Hastings, who recently received criticism for using “clam bake” to describe a woman-woman sex scene in his latest novel Ocean of My Love. “For years, we’ve received feedback that phrases such as ‘pearly secrets,’ ‘slick heat,’ and ‘moistened depths’ took readers out of the throes of passionate story making – but no more!” 

Speaking after the panel, the Association of Romantic Novelists Education Coordinator, Neal Pearson, divulged, “We’re launching an education campaign to get male writers to adopt the new phrasing, post-haste!” Pearson, who achieved fame as the first author to describe eyes as “alluring orb balls” in his bestselling book Women Who Want Me, can’t wait to tackle other issues facing the romance novel enthusiasts’ community. Premier among those issues? Updating the Association of Romantic Novelists’ pamphlet, ‘Ways to Say Sex is Happening,’ by replacing the phrases “he thrust himself into her,” “rose up to meet her womanhood,” and “the age-old dance of knocking boots.” 

At press time, Kara McBride, the sole female attendee, expressed confusion that the convention felt the need to even announce that the word “vagina” was appropriate to use in literature in the first place.

Mark Manning

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CAMBRIDGE, MA – “Oh fuck, what did I get into last night?” stammered freshman Brayden Colby Lunsford as he woke up next to an unexpected lump under his bedsheets. 

Tearing off the covers, Lunsford quickly discovered an unfamiliar stack of books. “Oh no, what did I study last night? I needed a kilo to get me through the semester, not…” he muttered as he examined the cover. “Not Women’s Voices Feminist Visions: Classic and Contemporary Readings? What? How did this get here?” 

Lunsford sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands to mentally retrace his steps. “Ok so I meant to go to the rager at Delta Sig, but the last thing I remember was leaving ECON 201 around 7 p.m. with Trey and then we walked to the…oh my god! We went to the library to study!” 

Frantically, Lunsford moved to his desk to open his laptop. “I started a study guide? But it’s still syllabus week. That’s the last time I hang out with Trey, man. I completely spaced on the party.” Lunsford ruffled through his discarded chinos to find a receipt from the campus bookstore, timestamped at 9:52 p.m. “Goddamnit, I needed that money to hook the Delta Sig guys up with some more blow. How am I going to explain to Father I need more money when it’s just the first week of classes?”

Lunsford opened his internet browser to google “ways to make money fast” but instead found himself reading an article on Headspace.com about the benefits of being in a flow state. As he developed a deeper understanding of how being immersed in a challenging task one enjoys can warp one’s perception of time, he wondered aloud, “I still don’t understand what went wrong last night. Better make an appointment with a librarian to find a good book that can help me learn more about this flow state.”

“Oh god – what am I doing? I need to work out, shower, and then go to that dayger with Stacie!” Lunsford exclaimed.

Desperate to feel cooler before getting ready, Lunsford started cutting out the middle of Understanding Our Universe to hide his dwindling drug supply until he accidentally started reading and contemplating his place in the cosmos.

Mark Manning

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Mark Manning

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