NEW YORK– Midway through a markedly poor performance review, local Trader Joe’s manager Myles Colvin developed a sneaking suspicion that the most recent hire, Shane Marshall, was…enjoying it?
“I was kind of dreading it cause Shane’s so positive but objectively terrible at his job. I started to feel uncomfortable when his smile got bigger with each negative score,” shared Colvin, adding that reviews are required every three months but Shane asked for performance reviews bi-weekly so he doesn’t have to wait to be scolded. “Then, he asked if the rest of the team could listen in or if he could record it for everyone to listen to later. That made me uncomfortable so I ended it right there. We didn’t even get to cover how we use mops to clean up spills at Trader Joe’s and that there is no need to get on your hands and knees to lick up our store’s freshly squeezed limeade.”
After reviewing his personnel file, Trader Joe’s human resources head for New York City, Sarah Crawford, commented, “On paper, Shane Marshall seemed to be an ideal candidate. He asked me to go on the record about his performance but, now that I think about it, it’s just another in a long list of red flags.” Crawford added that the first warning sign might have been when the interview went over because Marshall needed extra time to share his weaknesses in great detail. “The first time he was written up, it was for crushing heads of cabbage with his boots and asking the shift lead to yell at him in front of the customers. That is not how we restock produce at Trader Joe’s.”
Before he zipped up his full body latex suit and put the ball gag in his mouth to tow his mistress home after his Sunday shift, Marshall asked for The Satirer to “publish his full name so everyone would know he was a really naughty boy” and to “use his YouTube video of him licking up the spilled limeade to show how bad he was being.”