WASHINGTON D.C.- Now that President-Elect Joe Biden has been sworn in as the Commander-In-Chief, Americans are bracing for an uptick in centrist violence as his victory has emboldened even the most moderate citizens. “As if the Biden campaign’s message of ‘Change…But Not Too Fast’ wasn’t terrifying enough, we have celebrities like Matthew McConaughey inciting far-center moderates to action by championing becoming ‘aggressively centric,’” warned Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) researcher Miranda Rhodes. “Now we’re expecting to see a marked increase in extreme acts of moderate terror like ghosting after just two dates, changing lanes without using turn signals, and complaining about bosses to coworkers.” The stock market, in response to Biden’s inauguration, had a remarkably average day. Although the Biden administration won’t be nearly as anti-capitalist as a more leftist government, Rhodes stressed that workplace gossip can still escalate and hurt your boss’s feelings.
