PHILADELPHIA– According to multiple sources, the Philadelphia Eagles’ 2018 Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots is now an event that occured an even longer time ago than previously reported. Sources say that due to the continuing passage of time, this big game will continue to slide down the mountain of the past as we ourselves get older. “2018 is already four years ago,” one source familiar with how time works said. “Before we know it, it’ll be 2028. That would be a full decade since the Philly Special. That February night will be but a distant memory.” At the time of publishing, multiple Philadelphians were pulling together their money to fund research on halting time itself to make themselves a little less sad.

Ryan O'Connell

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PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

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PHILADELPHIA– With the release of Concrete Cowboy on Netflix this weekend, many city residents are reacting with extreme surprise that the film’s star Idris Elba was in town for filming and they didn’t know about it. “When Andre 3000 was here filming that TV show everybody saw him around town for like half a year, nobody saw Idris’s Elba’s handsome ass around at all. They had to hide him from the ladies,” said city resident Cliff Jenkins. The movie, which was filmed in Philadelphia during the summer of 2019, is based on the city’s legendary Fletcher Street Cowboys. Elba was inspired to make the movie after he saw a Black cowboy in Center City on a visit several years earlier. “Wait wait, Idris Elba was here twice, once for at least a month and I didn’t get to experience his beauty in person? I can’t believe I didn’t know James Bond was here,” said Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney. At press time, Philadelphians were trying to develop an alarm system that activates sirens and red flashing lights to alert residents when Idris Elba enters Philadelphia.

Damien Wendy

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Despite everything closing and relationships becoming strained, Philadelphians managed to figure out the best ways to stay safe during COVID while still remaining true to their roots. This is especially true for everyone’s love lives. Heartbreak is still very much alive in the City of Brotherly Love, and we came together to rank the best places to experience it in- all while observing CDC guidelines, of course. 

5. Rocky Steps

You’re “Gonna fly now” right into having a single girl summer at this iconic Art Museum spot. With the warmer weather and the tourists coming back out of the woodwork it’s becoming considerably less COVID-friendly than before, (so if you’re a person looking to initiate the breakup, we suggest you do it now) and you don’t need the slew of ice cream trucks to see you crying and begging them to stay. Bonus points if your ex’s name is Adrian, though.

4. Graffiti Pier

Before it becomes a public park, take advantage of Philly’s most-Instagrammed site by getting “It’s not you, it’s me”-d on the wharf overlooking the Delaware River Waterfront. Try to make sure to stay as socially distanced as possible from the influencers doing their photo-shoots nearby and the Temple sororities shooting their recruitment videos, but so long as you don’t get in the background of their shot you should probably be okay. 

3. Closed Continental

Stephen Starr’s flagship restaurant closing signaled the end of an era- and now you can too by getting emotionally crushed outside the empty Continental in Old City! You may struggle to be heard over the chaos of Market Street and the soon-to-be bustling again Franklin Fountain up the street, but you also struggled to be heard by your significant other your whole relationship anyway so shouldn’t make much of a difference. 

2. Squirrel Eating SEPTA Token Mural

What better way to symbolize leaving the past behind and moving toward the future than by getting left in front of this bold art installation on the 2200 block of North Hancock. We all miss the vintage thrill of carrying SEPTA tokens the same way that you will surely miss your ex for months to follow, and the beady little eyes of the squirrel watching you will serve as a chilling reminder of that. 

1. XFinity Live

If the mechanical bull inside Philly’s peak center of debauchery can survive this past year on his own, you can too. While it’s still closed due to state regulations, getting dumped in front of the currently abandoned sports complex where dignity goes to die is without a doubt the most fitting place to also experience the death of your relationship. 

Liz Wiest

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33rd & Oxford St– It was here that John Coltrane first fell in love with music after ripping a supremely melodious fart. He would go on to create jazz history trying to emulate that sound on his saxophone in the following decades.

5th & Arch St– Benjamin Franklin’s final resting place is also the future grave site of both Hall and Oates. 

4th & Vine St– Home of St. Augustine Church where M. Night Shyamalan got his inspiration for The Sixth Sense while tripping on mushrooms and hallucinating a dead Bruce Willis.

Front St & Susquehanna Ave– The real site of J&M Tropical Fish. This is also where Sylvester Stallone reportedly ate 50 live goldfish on a bet posed by Carl Weathers.

15th & Callowhill St– There’s a truck that takes passport photos. It’s called Rosa Photo. In case anyone needs one.

18th & Wallace St– Home of Roberto Clemente Park and Playground, a young Will Smith got in one little ass kicking here prompting him to move to Los Angeles and pursue a television and film career.

15th & JFK Blvd– You can sometimes find the Mayor there dressed as Santa asking for donations to the city treasury.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

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Turn it into scrapple.

Pick out all the shiny stuff and let the Mummers wear it.

Rebuild Hitchbot. We owe him one.

Ask the guy at Magic Gardens if he wants any of it.

Add a little pepper, then a little yellow stuff and baddaboom! Cheesesteak, at your service.

Mail it to the dump.

Give our sanitation workers a raise!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

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