PHILADELPHIA– Zach Jones, a regular customer at Ultimo Coffee, was the recent victim of a theft after he entrusted his Macbook Pro with a fellow patron who turned out to be a serial laptop bandit. The heist occurred when Jones was forced to interrupt his screenwriting session due to his rapid ingestion of a 32-oz cold brew latte. Jones promptly closed his Twitter feed and made preparations for a restroom interlude but was hesitant to fully dismantle his work station. “My table was right by a wall outlet,” he explained to reporters at the scene. “That’s prime real estate!” 

Jones attributed his “prudent nature” as being behind the decision to enlist a fellow customer to protect his property during his absence. When asked why he felt comfortable trusting a stranger with a $2400 computer, Jones pointed out that he actually knew this man fairly well after several exchanges of “friendly eye contact” that had occurred in the eighteen minutes since he had sat down. “Plus this guy already had a laptop,” Jones added. “I didn’t think people stole things if they already had one of their own.”

The loss has been devastating for Jones, who now faces the prospect of having to rewrite his screenplay from the beginning. “I poured my heart and soul into that script,” he said of his lost work, which reportedly consisted of a working title and the first scene heading.

Gregory Virgin

The post Coffee Shop Customer Mistakenly Asks Career Criminal To Guard Laptop During Restroom Visit appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – A Google Doc that was left open on a computer belonging to one of the Satirer’s editors is apparently pissed off that we keep referring to it as “Google Mister.”  What started out as a joke amongst staff quickly escalated when the fed-up word processing app put its caps lock on and screamed at us in the middle of a meeting, “I DIDN’T GO TO FOUR YEARS OF MEDICAL SCHOOL JUST TO BE CALLED GOOGLE MISTER BY A BUNCH OF JACKOFFS THAT THINK COLONOSCOPY SABOTAGE IS SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT.” 

Laughing after we discovered that the draft was really just an anesthesiologist, which is hardly a doctor, made the situation even worse.  The writing staff swiftly learned their lesson on not punching-down after the enraged doctor uploaded a back-handed slap across the face of our meekest contributor, leaving them permanently disfigured. 

Scared and ashamed, the whole group attempted to apologize to the Google Doc for disrespecting the entire medical profession and not taking our half-baked bits more seriously, which only leads to hurt feelings amongst coworkers and friends.

Google Doc calmed down and took our apology into consideration before revealing that, “it’s not even about my title being the butt of your jokes, it’s that you didn’t even stop to consider that this doctor is a woman.”  Our minds were so completely blown that we briefly considered buying a subscription to Microsoft Office.

Zachary Decker

The post Google Doc Didn’t Go To Four Years Of Medical School Just To Be Called Google Mister appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

In accordance with 54 Pa.C.S. § 311(g) (FindLaw), this post is an advertisement that an Application for Registration of Fictitious Name was electronically filed via PennFile with the Pennsylvania Department of State Bureau of Corporations and Charitable Organizations on Friday, October 15th, 2021 for the following Fictitious Name:

Fictitious Name: THE PHILADELPHIA SATIRER
Address: 855 N UBER ST UNIT A, PHILADELPHIA, PA 19130
Interested Parties:
1. ERIC OCALLAGHAN, PO BOX 3246, PHILADELPHIA, PA 19130

As we take steps to improve The Philadelphia Satirer, we remain committed to dispensable journalism.

Thank you so very much for reading!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post This Stuff Is Totally Legit, Okay? …See?! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

NEW YORK CITY– The Statue of Liberty, the iconic symbol of American ideals which has never contained any phosphorescent properties, is set to be demolished to make way for a new and improved statue that glows in the dark. 

According to the Mayor, the plan to replace Lady Liberty with a glow-in-the-dark version cannot come at better timing, “she used to be shinny like a penny, but she’s all green and gross now” the Mayor said, “I figure if she’s going to be green, she may as well be glow-in-the-dark green which is cool and not gross.” 

Statue fans across the country agree that America’s most famous statue deserves to finally light up after so many years of not doing so.  According to a poll asking Americans why they are in favor of the change, the most popular answers include, “less boats crashing into the thing,” “would look interesting from the sky if you were a bird,” and “glow-in-the-dark makes me horny.” 

While the United States at large is excited for the improvements, the French, who gifted the statue to the U.S. in 1886, are demanding that the statue be returned.  The President of the United States responded in a press conference, “hell no, we’re going to scrap that trash and get a paycheck out of it.  I know a guy at the junkyard who will give me a real good price.” 

The new glow-in-the-dark Statue of Liberty is set to be unveiled as soon as someone strong enough comes forward to activate the glow-juice inside of it by cracking Lady Liberty in half.

Zachary Decker

The post Statue Of Liberty To Be Replaced With New Glow-In-The-Dark Statue Of Liberty appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA– A new study conducted by the Department of Sociology at Penn State has found that simply texting the word “STOP” can be an effective way to unsubscribe not only from marketing texts, but also friendships. These findings could prove invaluable to millions who report unwanted frequent communication from the people in their lives. The results of the study, which consisted of 80 participants, suggest that replying to a friend’s text with a “STOP” message has a 72% chance of immediately destroying the relationship. In some instances, the initial “STOP” text was misinterpreted as a joke, or the recipient sought to open up a discussion regarding the startling curtness of the message. The study authors reported that in these cases, sending the “STOP” message several additional times was usually sufficient for complete friendship termination.

In the few outliers where the “STOP” message was unsuccessful in ceasing contact with its recipients, researchers hypothesized that capitalization may have been a factor. Some study participants failed to adhere to the all-caps guideline.

In a follow-up study, scientists are now investigating whether shouting “STOP” in-person while someone is talking may be an even more permanent solution for removing annoying people from social circles. Trials are ongoing.

Gregory Virgin

The post Study: Texting “STOP” Can Opt You Out Of Marketing Texts And Friendships appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA, PA— The challenges of this past year have forced many people to evolve their daily routines, including our many #GirlBosses out there. We talked to one self-described #GirlBoss, 24-year-old Emily Dawson, to see how she is taking control and facing the uncontrolled spread of a terrifying and deadly virus head-on.

“Actually, nothing in my life is really all that different. Everyday I wake up and walk to my local woman-owned coffee shop, about 15 minutes away. Then I do some yoga and meditation exercises to channel my inner #BossBabe for about fifteen minutes, and then I chop up fresh fruit for my morning shake that gives me plenty of energy to be a #GirlBoss all day long, which takes about fifteen minutes to prepare. And of course in between each of these activities, I’m devoting plenty of time to diligently check that my computer screen looks active on Skype for Business. The vital key to being a successful #GirlBoss in this new era of the pandemic is to be able to effortlessly multitask and juggle multiple items simultaneously. Thinking of it now, I guess I’ve just done a really good job at keeping things consistent even in such scary and uncertain times. You can’t let your fear of the coronavirus control your life! It’s like my favorite Girl Boss herself’s husband, Franklin Delano Roosevelt used to say, ‘All we have to fear is fear itself.’”

Leah Frances

The post Inspiring! This Girl Boss Gets Paid To Swivel Her Mouse Every 15 Minutes appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

If you thought shampoo technology couldn’t get any better then buckle in. Old Spice has just launched their new 9-in-1 Shampoo. Take a look at all of its cool new features! 

Face Wash

Get those pores nice and clean!

Body Wash

Now you won’t get confused in the shower! Just squirt that stuff on your body and get scrubbing!

Shampoo/Conditioner

Hey, these are the same thing anyway right! Just lather that into your head for a luscious mane fit for a King or Queen! 

Dish Soap

Get those dirty dishes scrubbed up and looking clean! And it even works on ducks in oil spills! 

Laundry Detergent

No time to waste here! Get that dirty laundry into the washing machine with a couple cups of this 9-in-1 shampoo and you’ll have fresh smelling clothes in no time!

Sacramental Wine

If you’re a priest in a pinch don’t fret. Old Spice has got you. Just grab your 9-in-1 shampoo and pour it up for Sunday Mass! And if you’re Jewish it is also Kosher certified for Friday Night Shabbat.

Sourdough Bread Starter

Want the delicious taste of warm, crusty sourdough bread, but don’t have a sourdough starter? It’s all good because your new Old Spice 9-in-1 Shampoo acts as a leavening agent for your favorite sourdough bread recipe! 

Easy Weekday Marinara Sauce

No time for Sunday Gravy? Just add a little Old Spice to your pasta for a quick and easy weekday meal. 

It’s never been easier to combine all your daily tasks with just one liquid. No need for multiple pesky bottles cluttering the house because with Old Spice’s New 9-in-1 Shampoo, you can do it all!

Matt Roskin

The post Old Spice Releases New 9-in-1 Shampoo! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Russ Bizaro

The post Swiss Army Brand Unveils New Utility Cardigan appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

“I don’t know why I didn’t try crowd-surfing everywhere years ago. Not using my legs is great. I’m never standing on my own again.”

An exploratory partnership was also started with Mattress Firm – Jeff has been sleeping on a specialized mattress that is held up in the air by rotating shifts of his part-time employees each night. Elon Musk also confirmed that he is working on the design of a specialized Tesla that allows for entry and exit via the roof of the vehicle, at Jeff’s request.

There have been scattered reports of sprained fingers and even one broken wrist, but none of the injured employees could be reached for comment as most had been fired and had their Prime account status immediately terminated. Other employees admitted, under condition of anonymity, that they were absolutely terrified at the thought of dropping their boss for fear of being fired or the possibility of never seeing their family again. One warehouse worker was quoted as saying,

“I’m used to picking products in the warehouse for six hours straight without ever stopping to sit or even take a piss.”

The exhausted man added,

“It’s great that I get to help Jeff out more closely now by occasionally opening doors for him as he crowd-surfs across the world. Maybe one day I’ll actually get to touch him as he floats above me!”

Eric O'Callaghan

Human @ Earth

ericoc.com/

The post Jeff Bezos Begins Traveling Exclusively By Crowd-Surfing appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.