SEATTLE — Amazon founder, CEO, president, and notable rich motherfucker Jeff Bezos has not touched the ground since testing his latest innovation of traveling exclusively by crowd-surfing atop his employees. The test began last weekend as he dove from the nose cone of one of his upright Blue Origin rockets onto a crowd of waiting warehouse workers who were allowed a rare 30-minute break. So far, Jeff has traveled over 20 miles around the Seattle metropolitan area and even hand-delivered a few packages for the first time since he founded the company twenty-five years ago. After off-the-record complaining about how awkward an experience meeting some of his customers was, Jeff was quoted as saying,
“I don’t know why I didn’t try crowd-surfing everywhere years ago. Not using my legs is great. I’m never standing on my own again.”
An exploratory partnership was also started with Mattress Firm – Jeff has been sleeping on a specialized mattress that is held up in the air by rotating shifts of his part-time employees each night. Elon Musk also confirmed that he is working on the design of a specialized Tesla that allows for entry and exit via the roof of the vehicle, at Jeff’s request.
There have been scattered reports of sprained fingers and even one broken wrist, but none of the injured employees could be reached for comment as most had been fired and had their Prime account status immediately terminated. Other employees admitted, under condition of anonymity, that they were absolutely terrified at the thought of dropping their boss for fear of being fired or the possibility of never seeing their family again. One warehouse worker was quoted as saying,
“I’m used to picking products in the warehouse for six hours straight without ever stopping to sit or even take a piss.”
The exhausted man added,
“It’s great that I get to help Jeff out more closely now by occasionally opening doors for him as he crowd-surfs across the world. Maybe one day I’ll actually get to touch him as he floats above me!”
Human @ Earth