Let’s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven’t lived there in 6 years. Your racist uncle makes some comments about how the supermarket is too liberal nowadays. You need an out. By following these simple steps you can summon the dark power of the Coor’s Light Train to make your grand escape. 

Step 1 – 72 hours in advance you need to begin ceremonial chants to summon the dark elf Trakas Quelathra, who will appear to you in a dream on the eve of the Christmas party. These chants must happen on the hour, every hour leading up to the event. To find the cursed scrolls that bear the writings you must search the cave of terrors deep in the Rocky Mountains.

Step 2 – Alas! It’s time to distract your family. Using a series of well-placed, and well-timed whoopie cushions under your great aunt’s chairs, you can successfully divert the party’s attention to the hilarious comedy ensuing.

Step 3 – Now that the plan is in place, there is only one more thing you’ll do. Summon the Coor’s Light Train. To do this, you’ll need every uncle in your party to be holding a cold refreshing Coor’s light can. Then simply prompt one uncle to say, “Wow, this beer sure is as cold as the Rocky’s.” Then, and only then will you hear the faint sound of Love Train filling the air.

Step 4 – Click-ity Clack, Click-ity Clack. She’s approaching. A chill runs up your spine as you can see your breath, faintly… The mighty, majestic Coor’s Light Train is here. As silver as a new stainless steel refrigerator. As cold as the winters of the Rocky Mountains. SCREECH. The train pulls into the family room, destroying the house. Bricks and glass fly everywhere. Your sisters, brothers, and cousins all wince at the bright shining light of the Coor’s Light Train. Your poor grandmother shivers as snow begins to fall. How did the snow get into the living room? There’s no time for questions.  “ALL ABOARD,” shouts the conductor. You step on. You clear the closing doors as it whisks you away. Go find your seat amongst the other evil sons and daughters who have fled their christmas parties. Your grand escape, complete, but your nightmare, just begun.

Matt Roskin

The post How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor’s Light Train appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

1. Stinky Tofurkey 

It’s always the worst person at the table sending special requests to the kitchen, and this time it’s your aunt’s new mid-life crisis vegan boyfriend.

2. Rotten Deviled Eggs

God be the glory! These adorable little eggs reek of the devil’s drip — one bite will have you running towards confession (and the bathroom) with your 13-year-old cousin who just found out what porn is.

3. Grandma’s 1950s Jello Salad

Famous during the Great Depression for making everyone greatly depressed. This year’s version features a stapler inside the gelatin mold, all thanks to granny’s recent dementia diagnosis and her newfound obsession with The Office.

4. Canned Cranberry Sauce

Are you kidding me?!?!?! This made it to the list?? It’s literally not even a recipe, it’s just mush in a jar. Either way, you can be sure your broke uncle will walk through the door with this shit. 

5. Creamed Spinach

Ok, ok, ok, creamed spinach is normally pretty good, but this side dish was made specially by your woke mom who just joined the Goop community — who knows what kind of cream is in that spinach.

Isabella Quiros

The post 5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Say “I Hope You Lost Your Sense Of Smell And Taste To COVID-19 Before Sitting Down At This Table” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

For too long, outdated traditions have forced you to choose between trick OR treat, but this Halloween you’re finally going to manifest everything you deserve and not settle for anything less than a trick AND treat. First, you’ll have to ditch the masks, make-up, wigs, and fake blood you’ve been hiding behind. That’s right– this year you’re going out as yourself, what’s scarier than that?

Dressing up as yourself on Halloween will give you the confidence you’ll need to get what’s owed to you, so leave your costume at home and get those tricks and treats. When you march up to your neighbor’s door this Halloween, you’re not going to give them a choice. You’re going to demand a trick AND a treat. While you’re at it, have them smell your feet too. This will surely assert that you mean business and you won’t be taking no for an answer.

Should anyone still insist on making you choose between the two despite your non-negotiable stance, don’t let them think that you care. Simply pull down their underwear. That should clear things up for them.

Let this Halloween be the first of many that you’re completely in control of, loading up on tricks and treats and anything else you want. And don’t forget, Halloween doesn’t have to only be on October 31st, you’re the boss now.  

Zachary Decker

The post Trick AND Treat: How You Can Have It All This Halloween appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– With another hot, sticky summer well underway, many above-ground swimming pools in our region are going unused. “I wouldn’t really want to swim in myself either, we are probably the saddest place you could ever swim,” bemoaned an above-ground pool located in Northeast Philadelphia. When asked if that is really true in a city where folks choose to swim in dumpsters, the pool responded, “Swimming in dumpsters is edgy and dangerous because you could catch something. All you’re gonna catch in me is an earache if you’re lucky.” The pool couldn’t really grasp the concept that people would rather swim it than a dumpster and its shitty self-deprecating attitude was driving people away. When told this, the pool responded, “You sound like the guys from Queer Eye. They showed up to give me a makeover and teach me to how to make avocado toast but left because they said I was a drag to be around.” The interview ended when a newly fledged bird began drowning in the pool, and when we tried to rescue it the pool screamed, “He’s mine! He’s my blood sacrifice.”

Damien Wendy

The post Breaking: Above-Ground Pool Wouldn’t Really Want To Swim In Itself Either appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

I first encountered Irish Potatoes when my grandmamma brought me a mysterious box of treats on St. Patrick’s Day. I thought this time she’s clearly lost it, she should be put in a home, this lady brought a child a box of raw potatoes. But I humored her and took a bite, and to my surprise, it was not a potato at all but a cinnamon-covered coconut-ty monstrosity. Grandmamma was sent away not long after but I still wondered where these sugary turds came from and went deep into the archives.

During the Great Potato Famine of 1845, the resourceful people of Ireland had to come up with a new food that looked like potatoes, as that was the only thing their children would eat. Running low on root vegetables, they looked toward the trees—coconut trees, that is. Using their ingenuity, they figured they could mix the meat of the coconut with cream cheese, roll it around in cinnamon, and pawn it off to their kids as the real thing so that they wouldn’t starve. The dummies fell for it and survived long enough to get out of there.

Soon after, the first batch of Irish immigrants would arrive in Philly, bringing along their substitute potatoes in case they weren’t available here either. Unfortunately, they found America to be bountiful in actual potatoes and had to leave the tropical flavors of Ireland behind.

Then in the 1960’s, father of three, Ryan O’Brien found a long-lost family recipe and decided to prank his spiteful kids into thinking they were eating potatoes. However, his plan backfired when his kids welcomed the betrayal, saying they knew it would happen sooner or later. Out of this deception, a company was born, producing what’s now known as Irish Potatoes and the destruction of children’s trust everywhere in the Greater Philadelphia area.

As my grandmamma rots away in the best assisted living facility she deserves, I can’t help but thank her for introducing me to the first of many disappointing meals on which I have built my career. Irish Potatoes can be found and immediately disposed of in Wegmans or anywhere foods that look like other foods are sold.

Irem Boz

The post An Oral History Of Irish Potatoes By Tummy Grumbles appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA— We recently received a pamphlet in our P.O. Box that detailed the side effects of repeatedly watching the erotic thriller Gremlins 2: The New Batch on Valentine’s Day. We wanted to publish the list of side effects which are all erotic dreams, to keep the citizens of Philadelphia safe and informed during these troubling times. 

Dream 1: There’s a spider gremlin in Gremlins 2. For some reason you are also a spider gremlin, you can tell this by how eagerly the other spider gremlins high-five you when you pass their desks at work. You meet a larger, more beautiful female spider gremlin on her web for drinks and pleasant conversation, suddenly you meld together for passionate matings. The spider sex orgasm isn’t the best ever but feels pretty good. After it ends you realize she is about to eat you because she is putting on a bib with your picture on it. She says, “If you kill Gizmo who is coming to betray me, I will let you live and eat him instead.” When you think about how much work it would be to raise the thousands of baby spider gremlins you just made with her, you scream, “Bon Appetit!” The orgasm from your spider death is so amazing that you call your parents immediately after waking up to tell them about it. 

Dream 2: While laying on a pink fluffy bed you start playing with Gizmo, it occurs to you that Howie Mandel is the voice of Gizmo. Immediately after this gross realization, Gizmo starts morphing into present-day Howie Mandel. Howie starts passionately kissing your neck while doing the Gizmo voice. You feel sick from this and vomit off the side of the bed into the ocean that surrounds it. You wish that it was the green-haired gremlin bride kissing you or even the brainiac gremlin instead of Howie Mandel. In the dream, you realize that it’s Valentine’s Day and that any love is good love. You wipe the puke from your mouth and return Howie’s affections. The two of you become one, an orgasm kind of happens. You never want to have this dream again but will chance it if watching Gremlins 2 repeatedly means the possibility of having the other two dreams. 

Dream 3: Gremlins 2 prominently featured a cooking show called Microwave with Marge. You find yourself on the set of the show after hours, drinking cooking sherry, and having a great time with Marge. Suddenly she starts talking about how gremlins are fertilized by water. She wants to test you to see if babies pop off your back when you are fertilized by water. You astrally project or some shit because you are now watching from a distance as Marge urinates on your back while you lie on the floor. She screams, “I’ve never seen anything like it!” The dream camera pans to your back where tear and share biscuits have started growing instead of baby gremlins. Paul Hollywood shows up, tears a biscuit from your back, and eats it. Paul says, “Now that’s a proper bake, well-done mate!” and he shakes your hand. The orgasm experienced from satisfying Paul Hollywood is amazing and you never want it to stop. 

The Satirer encourages all Philadelphia residents to view Gremlins 2 responsibly to keep their erotic dreamscapes gremlins-free this Valentine’s Day. Maybe watch Hitch instead. 

Damien Wendy

The post These Three Erotic Dreams Are The Most Common Side Effects Of Repeatedly Watching Gremlins 2 On Valentine’s Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

So, you’ve been dating him for a few weeks and that big day is so soon– and you have no clue what to give him or even if he has siblings! Listening isn’t exactly your strong suit.

Valentine’s Day is a special day to celebrate your feelings for him and show him you care, but what if you barely know anything about him? Don’t worry, below we have a great gift guide for that man you really know nothing about, but can’t wait to spend V-day with!

An Extremely Large Gift Card to Staples

Everyone loves paper supplies and now your man can get whatever he wants for 500 dollars or less! You know he, um, goes to work somewhere, so you assume he needs some office supplies for that. A practical gift that will show you care about his career and have lots of extra trust fund money to burn.

A Truck

He doesn’t exactly drive, but that doesn’t mean he won’t learn. Plus, you think it’s hot when a man drives! Hopefully if he learns how to drive the truck, he’ll start going shirtless, wearing cutoffs, and looking like a hunky farmer from a Danielle Steele novel and you’ll finally be attracted to him. Also you have so much money so it’ll barely make a dent in your bank account.

A Swing Band that Plays for him at his Place of Work

You’re not exactly sure where that is…but the whole band can just, like, follow him there and then serenade him for the day. You’re also not really sure if he actually likes swing, but it’s so upbeat and generic, who wouldn’t enjoy a little accompaniment!

Socks Made out of Gold

Getting socks for your man is so lame! But if they’re gold, that’s super stylish and in vogue! He’ll have a hard time wearing sneakers on top of them and he could get some foot rashes, but it’ll be so worth it because his trendsetting will be through the roof and all your rich friends will be so impressed.

A Coal Burning Pizza Oven

He likes pizza, right?? Most guys do… This coal burning pizza oven is imported from Italy and can be easily inserted into the wall of his Brooklyn rental studio for an authentic pizza making experience. Who wants to Seamless when you can make your own pizza with lots of real live burning coals and manly fire that hopefully will not at all upset his landlord?

Valentine’s Day gifts can be nerve-wracking, but as long as you throw some money down, he’s sure to love it! Just remember, the bigger and more generic, the better!

Catherine Weingarten

The post 5 Over The Top Valentine’s Day Gifts That Say “I Don’t Know You At All” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN DIEGO, CA– Calling their finding a “grim sign of more cases to come,” researchers from the U.S. Travel Association announced this week that 7,000 more people than originally predicted morphed into pterodactyls and soared through the skies over the holidays. 

“With the coronavirus restistrictions this holiday season, we predicted only around 5,000 people would take the risk and transform their human bodies into prehistoric flying reptiles,” explained lead researcher Brittany Evans, who added that now is not the time to see people from other households, even if it’s by molting out of your outer skin layer and letting your scaly wings explode out of your spine. 

“Masks are so important right now and one thing that concerns me about this many people turning into these ancient creatures of the skies is that we don’t have masks that fit their 4 foot long beaks yet. I know stores like Old Navy are selling masks for raptors and triceratops but nothing yet for the pterodactyls.”

“I don’t get what all the fuss is about,” explained San Diego resident and proponent of human-to-dinosaur transformation Jessica Peterson. “We maintain plenty of social distancing when we fly in flocks because of our 20-foot wingspans.” 

“It’s also just so hard not seeing family during the holidays. Oh well, I gotta run and grab some groceries,” added Peterson, before poofing into a pterodactyl and screaming “KRAAAAWK.” 

At press time, researcher Evans explained that although this is concerning for the spread of the disease, “most researchers agree this is fucking incredible.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Researchers Find U.S. Exceeded Holiday Travel Predictions With 7,000 More People Morphing Into Pterodactyls And Soaring Through The Skies appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– One Fishtown family wanted to show a little extra respect to the tree that had brightened their home this holiday season, so they covered it with a sheet like a dead body after discarding it on the curb. “She was just such a good tree. We loved her but she died. It was like we held a beautiful wake for her in our living room the entire month of December. My mom said we couldn’t buy her a coffin so I thought a sheet might work well to preserve her dignity,” said 6-year-old Laney Draper. As the family said goodbye, dozens of their neighbors’ unshrouded trees lay strewn on the cold sidewalk.

Passer-by Jeremy Ridley added, “This is my first Christmas in the city and I wasn’t sure where to put my dead tree. So, I buried mine in the backyard with it’s favorite ornament.”

Millions of Americans Celebrate Christmas with a live tree but aren’t really sure why. Six year old domestic goddess Laney Draper advised folks who were saddened by live Christmas trees, but didn’t know what else to do, to “think about stacking chairs in their living room next year and putting lights and ornaments on that pile. Or draw a picture of a beautiful tree that you tape to the wall.” Draper clarified not to draw the tree directly on the wall “because you might get sent to your room for that.”

Damien Wendy

The post Family Respectfully Covers Discarded Xmas Tree With A Sheet Like A Dead Body appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look at this, a wonderful photo from the classic film, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964). Here he is hanging out with Santa Claus looking like a couple of cool cats. I should probably ask Jake about the file, since he was the one helping me out with the list. I think we had A Christmas Story up there at #2 right after this one. It had to be number two, right? I mean it’s hilarious and a classic. 

Look at that cutie! Didn’t you wish you had a Rudolph stuffed animal when you were a child? Wait, did I mean A Christmas Carol. I always get A Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story mixed up. A Christmas Carol has the ghosts, right? Jake tried explaining the difference to me and I immediately zoned out. I know they have completely different plots, but how can you have “A Christmas” in both titles and not run into those issues with branding?

Was Frosty the Snowman up there too? Honestly can’t remember now. Who even had the file on their computer? Was it Jake? Oh I bet it was Jake. Jake you big dumb idiot why didn’t you back it up to the Google drive? “Oh it’ll be fine, I’ll just carry it home on my flash drive,” said big idiot Jake. Well guess what Jake, you did that with Lisa and Mark’s wedding photos from last year and guess what, you lost THOSE TOO. Fucking idiot you are Jake. You know what, you don’t get to choose lunch on Wednesday.

Here is a nice photo of a reindeer playing in the snow. His name could be Rudolph, but probably not. Look, not gonna lie, this is the biggest fuck-up we’ve had since we lost that sticky note that had the nuclear launch codes. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year I guess. 

Oh wait… this is so embarrassing… sorry Jake… I found it in my jacket pocket. Turns out A Very Tony Soprano Christmas was #1, who would have guessed it!

Matt Roskin

The post We Ranked All The Best Christmas Movies, But The File Got Deleted, So Here’s A Few Pictures Of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Because We Think That Was #1 appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.