PHILADELPHIA– What started as a normal day soon turned chaotic for Dan “the Man” McSweeney. Dan, a local father of two and coach for the Grasshoppers Little League team, was at a screening of the new Marvel film Morbius before being asked to leave by the usher, creating a scene. 

On the incident, a witness who would like to remain anonymous said, “I was in the back row of the theater, there were maybe about three of us in the whole theater, when I heard a loud voice exclaim, ‘That’s Michael Keaton!’ It startled me the first time, but then the man kept announcing the name of every actor as they appeared on screen. At one point he even tried to argue that Russell Brand was Morbius.” 

When asked about the incident, Dan was eager to share his side of the story. “There are just so many people in Morbius that I had to let my kids know who was who. You have the best Batman, the worst Joker, and that British doctor. You know, the guy with the face. If it’s a crime to be able to recognize actors, then I’m the top criminal in this city.” The Satirer advises anyone who decides to take their father to a screening of Morbius to understand the risks. 

Brianna Benozich

The post Local Father Kicked Out Of Movie Theater For Loudly Identifying Every Actor appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Matt Roskin

The post Prove To Me You’re Not A Robot By Teaching Me How To Love appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Shifting from least favorite friend to one of the coolest guys around, toxic friend Chase Langford is actually pretty awesome after purchasing a vacation home. “Chase has been a harmful person to have around the past couple years, but I’m finally ready to forgive and forget after he came to his senses and bought a beautiful 5 bedroom in Sea Isle City,” says friend Andrea Glassman, adding that it takes a courageous person to recognize when they’re in the wrong and splurge on a property just one block from the beach. “We were still planning to cut him out of our lives until he mentioned something about a pool, which is when we realized how Chase is such a good dude. Buying a house that’s close to the beach and comes with a pool? Chase is really making changes from within.” Glassman noted she started to see the positive change in Chase once he finally got professional help from a licensed real estate agent. “One thing that’s awesome is a bunch of his family just died this past year which means more rooms for us.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Toxic Friend Actually Pretty Cool After Purchase Of Vacation Home appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA– A new study conducted by the Department of Sociology at Penn State has found that simply texting the word “STOP” can be an effective way to unsubscribe not only from marketing texts, but also friendships. These findings could prove invaluable to millions who report unwanted frequent communication from the people in their lives. The results of the study, which consisted of 80 participants, suggest that replying to a friend’s text with a “STOP” message has a 72% chance of immediately destroying the relationship. In some instances, the initial “STOP” text was misinterpreted as a joke, or the recipient sought to open up a discussion regarding the startling curtness of the message. The study authors reported that in these cases, sending the “STOP” message several additional times was usually sufficient for complete friendship termination.

In the few outliers where the “STOP” message was unsuccessful in ceasing contact with its recipients, researchers hypothesized that capitalization may have been a factor. Some study participants failed to adhere to the all-caps guideline.

In a follow-up study, scientists are now investigating whether shouting “STOP” in-person while someone is talking may be an even more permanent solution for removing annoying people from social circles. Trials are ongoing.

Gregory Virgin

The post Study: Texting “STOP” Can Opt You Out Of Marketing Texts And Friendships appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Brian Hodel stared at a woman in the grocery line without interruption for a whopping thirty-eight seconds yesterday. This would officially mark his longest-held relationship with a human woman, edging out his most recent affair with the lady he accidentally brushed hands with at the post office. 

Though bystanders later recounted that Brian’s girlfriend almost never returned eye contact, nor did she enter the store with him or seem to acknowledge his presence with more than a frown, Brian maintained that the relationship was equal parts real and “hot.” Brian assured reporters, “She would probably say there were breaks in the relationship and at times she was looking for something outside of what we had, but I was always committed to her no matter what.”

When asked for advice on how to make a relationship go the distance, Brian admitted that it wasn’t always easy, “At times there will be challenges, like the store employees asking you to step forward and stop holding up the line, but you can’t listen to anything other than your gut.” Although this romance had to come to an end, The Satirer learned that Brian had quickly moved on, later being spotted in the parking lot being physical with a security guard. 

Ryan Barkauskas

The post Time Spent Staring At Woman In Grocery Line Officially Man’s Longest Relationship appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

They asked you to make dirt bike noises during sex.

They don’t have kids but go to Disney World every year.

They farted while having sex with your dad.

They drink Mountain Dew after the age of 15.

They said “Joe Rogan is really smart.”

They believe in horoscopes.

They’re not me AYE-YO!!

They’re a Leo.

You are dead.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

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NEW YORK, NY– A new study conducted by LoveLab and the Environmental Council has reported that the only key to a long lasting relationship is actually not running the AC all god-damned day. “The true secret to love is simpler than expected before– instead of compatibility, attraction, similar long term goals– it really is way simpler than that. It’s the smaller things like putting on a sweater for once in your life or holding the flashlight in the right damned way,” says Dr. Howard Turtle, a behavioral scientist in charge of the study. “This should be illuminating to people of all ages trying to make a relationship work. Instead of spending all that money on couples counseling, maybe try to get some real life skills and maybe, Karen, you could take the cups to the kitchen instead of leaving them around the living room like a mad woman.” At press time, couples that had used this advice were wildly in love and just so elated their partners finally stopped running the goddamn AC or leaving the windows open like we’re made of money or something.

Catherine Weingarten

The post New Report Links Relationship Longevity With Not Running the AC All God-Damned Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– A new study conducted by the popular dating site Bumble has reported that Philly accents ranked 74 out of a total 75 local US accents. “There are so many accents that made a sexier impression on people than the Philly accent, like a sweet Texas twang which came in 5th or a rough and tumble New Yorker accent which was another top contender coming in 15th,” says Dr. Jessica Tweeberly, a behavioral scientist at Bumble who helped conduct the study. “We were surprised to see how low Philly ranked on the list because we thought people would be charmed by a ‘strong A’ and truly titillated with how they pronounce ‘wooder’ ice. The only place that came in lower was South Jersey for how annoyingly they pronounced Coke.” At press time, sad Philly natives were speaking out via social media with empowering posts like “my pronunciation of “A” turns on my married boyfriend” and “Men will pay me to say wooder ice at them! That’s how fricking erotic my Philly accent is!”

Catherine Weingarten

The post Report: Philly Accent Rated 74th Sexiest Accent In The U.S. appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

NEW YORK– Midway through a markedly poor performance review, local Trader Joe’s manager Myles Colvin developed a sneaking suspicion that the most recent hire, Shane Marshall, was…enjoying it? 

“I was kind of dreading it cause Shane’s so positive but objectively terrible at his job. I started to feel uncomfortable when his smile got bigger with each negative score,” shared Colvin, adding that reviews are required every three months but Shane asked for performance reviews bi-weekly so he doesn’t have to wait to be scolded. “Then, he asked if the rest of the team could listen in or if he could record it for everyone to listen to later. That made me uncomfortable so I ended it right there. We didn’t even get to cover how we use mops to clean up spills at Trader Joe’s and that there is no need to get on your hands and knees to lick up our store’s freshly squeezed limeade.”

After reviewing his personnel file, Trader Joe’s human resources head for New York City, Sarah Crawford, commented, “On paper, Shane Marshall seemed to be an ideal candidate. He asked me to go on the record about his performance but, now that I think about it, it’s just another in a long list of red flags.” Crawford added that the first warning sign might have been when the interview went over because Marshall needed extra time to share his weaknesses in great detail. “The first time he was written up, it was for crushing heads of cabbage with his boots and asking the shift lead to yell at him in front of the customers. That is not how we restock produce at Trader Joe’s.”

Before he zipped up his full body latex suit and put the ball gag in his mouth to tow his mistress home after his Sunday shift, Marshall asked for The Satirer to “publish his full name so everyone would know he was a really naughty boy” and to “use his YouTube video of him licking up the spilled limeade to show how bad he was being.”

Mark Manning

The post Manager Realizes Mid-Performance Review That Employee Has Humiliation Kink appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

You won’t let them walk around Old City yelling “Wow, so old!”

They’re scared of the dark.

Philadelphia has been rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America and they just don’t feel like they are mature enough yet to handle that.

They’re worried their Cowboys face tattoo will not be received well.

They grew up in Philly.

“I could just FaceTime you instead.”

Their mom said no.

Because of the goddamn fucking pandemic, stop making this about you Jesus Christ, man!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

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