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New Report Links Relationship Longevity With Not Running the AC All God-Damned Day

NEW YORK, NY– A new study conducted by LoveLab and the Environmental Council has reported that the only key to a long lasting relationship is actually not running the AC all god-damned day. “The true secret to love is simpler than expected before– instead of compatibility, attraction, similar long term goals– it really is way simpler than that. It’s the smaller things like putting on a sweater for once in your life or holding the flashlight in the right damned way,” says Dr. Howard Turtle, a behavioral scientist in charge of the study. “This should be illuminating to people of all ages trying to make a relationship work. Instead of spending all that money on couples counseling, maybe try to get some real life skills and maybe, Karen, you could take the cups to the kitchen instead of leaving them around the living room like a mad woman.” At press time, couples that had used this advice were wildly in love and just so elated their partners finally stopped running the goddamn AC or leaving the windows open like we’re made of money or something.

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