NYC– Local woman Sandra Jean Simmins was reported to have read 15 pages of the very lengthy historical biography she was holding on the bus. “I know! I’m such a big reader!” Sandra says with a big smile. “I read 15 pages and now know that the subject of the book was born in 1918, liked lighting orphanages on fire, and hated all women, especially his mother. I read fifteen pages but it only says page 5 because some of the numbers were in Roman numerals, so it still counts.”

“People ask me how I have the confidence to have such a big book on the bus and I tell them– I dunno, guess smart women can walk amongst us.” At press time, Sandra had made it to 20 pages and threw herself a “Reading Icon” party at the feminist bookstore Bluestockings Bookshop in the Lower East Side. She later threw the book in the trash because it turned out the guy was terrible.

Catherine Weingarten

The post Empowering! Woman Holding Big Book On Bus Has Read 15 Pages Of It appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

NEW YORK, NY– A new study conducted by LoveLab and the Environmental Council has reported that the only key to a long lasting relationship is actually not running the AC all god-damned day. “The true secret to love is simpler than expected before– instead of compatibility, attraction, similar long term goals– it really is way simpler than that. It’s the smaller things like putting on a sweater for once in your life or holding the flashlight in the right damned way,” says Dr. Howard Turtle, a behavioral scientist in charge of the study. “This should be illuminating to people of all ages trying to make a relationship work. Instead of spending all that money on couples counseling, maybe try to get some real life skills and maybe, Karen, you could take the cups to the kitchen instead of leaving them around the living room like a mad woman.” At press time, couples that had used this advice were wildly in love and just so elated their partners finally stopped running the goddamn AC or leaving the windows open like we’re made of money or something.

Catherine Weingarten

The post New Report Links Relationship Longevity With Not Running the AC All God-Damned Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– A new study conducted by the popular dating site Bumble has reported that Philly accents ranked 74 out of a total 75 local US accents. “There are so many accents that made a sexier impression on people than the Philly accent, like a sweet Texas twang which came in 5th or a rough and tumble New Yorker accent which was another top contender coming in 15th,” says Dr. Jessica Tweeberly, a behavioral scientist at Bumble who helped conduct the study. “We were surprised to see how low Philly ranked on the list because we thought people would be charmed by a ‘strong A’ and truly titillated with how they pronounce ‘wooder’ ice. The only place that came in lower was South Jersey for how annoyingly they pronounced Coke.” At press time, sad Philly natives were speaking out via social media with empowering posts like “my pronunciation of “A” turns on my married boyfriend” and “Men will pay me to say wooder ice at them! That’s how fricking erotic my Philly accent is!”

Catherine Weingarten

The post Report: Philly Accent Rated 74th Sexiest Accent In The U.S. appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Looking for something fun to do this weekend that’s Covid-safe and involves staying at home and never ever leaving? Look no further than this helpful list that’ll hit all the best things you can do within your own home that also involve crying, because what else is there to do now?

1. Meditate While Crying: Now that life has become one perpetual panic attack, alleviate some of that stress with a relaxing guided meditation that hopefully stretches all of Saturday so you don’t have to worry about why you lightly coughed yesterday while watching Gossip Girl.

2. Watch a Sad Movie While Crying: You could try to watch something heartwarming, or you could just bite the bullet and watch something wildly depressing because you were going to be wildly crying on your couch anyway, why not just own it? Our picks for the weekend include Schindler’s List, A Walk to Remember or that fun new cancer movie on Hulu– get the tissue boxes ready!

3. Take a Scenic Walk Around your Living Room While Crying: Instead of going outside and risking a rando coughing on you, enjoy a beautiful walk around your living room. Take a glance at the family photo of you wearing braces and pushing your sister or the sparkly pillow from your mom that says “Wine Now, Not Wine Later!” Then swing by your grandpa’s urn and get ready for the waterworks.

4. Water Your Plant With Your Own Tears Because you Hate Your Life: Even though everything around you including your dreams are falling apart, you still got to tend to your plant! But does anyone even care anymore if you tend to him, does anyone!? Good thing you’ve been crying nonstop so you can water your plant with your own tears and broken dreams of traveling around Europe on an adorable bicycle.

5. Organize a Card Game in Your Living Room While Crying: Putting together an Apples to Apples game can be really fun but maybe less so when the only people in your household are your mom, your dad, and your Uncle Bo with the weird mustache. Try not to cry too hard when Bo puts down “My Life Choices” as a match for “Sad” or when your mom says she regrets marrying your dad after all this time together.

Have a great weekend and don’t forget all the exciting things you can do around your house that are way more fun than seeing actual human people and having a social life!

Catherine Weingarten

The post The Best Things To Do This Weekend At Home That All Involve Crying appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

So, you’ve been dating him for a few weeks and that big day is so soon– and you have no clue what to give him or even if he has siblings! Listening isn’t exactly your strong suit.

Valentine’s Day is a special day to celebrate your feelings for him and show him you care, but what if you barely know anything about him? Don’t worry, below we have a great gift guide for that man you really know nothing about, but can’t wait to spend V-day with!

An Extremely Large Gift Card to Staples

Everyone loves paper supplies and now your man can get whatever he wants for 500 dollars or less! You know he, um, goes to work somewhere, so you assume he needs some office supplies for that. A practical gift that will show you care about his career and have lots of extra trust fund money to burn.

A Truck

He doesn’t exactly drive, but that doesn’t mean he won’t learn. Plus, you think it’s hot when a man drives! Hopefully if he learns how to drive the truck, he’ll start going shirtless, wearing cutoffs, and looking like a hunky farmer from a Danielle Steele novel and you’ll finally be attracted to him. Also you have so much money so it’ll barely make a dent in your bank account.

A Swing Band that Plays for him at his Place of Work

You’re not exactly sure where that is…but the whole band can just, like, follow him there and then serenade him for the day. You’re also not really sure if he actually likes swing, but it’s so upbeat and generic, who wouldn’t enjoy a little accompaniment!

Socks Made out of Gold

Getting socks for your man is so lame! But if they’re gold, that’s super stylish and in vogue! He’ll have a hard time wearing sneakers on top of them and he could get some foot rashes, but it’ll be so worth it because his trendsetting will be through the roof and all your rich friends will be so impressed.

A Coal Burning Pizza Oven

He likes pizza, right?? Most guys do… This coal burning pizza oven is imported from Italy and can be easily inserted into the wall of his Brooklyn rental studio for an authentic pizza making experience. Who wants to Seamless when you can make your own pizza with lots of real live burning coals and manly fire that hopefully will not at all upset his landlord?

Valentine’s Day gifts can be nerve-wracking, but as long as you throw some money down, he’s sure to love it! Just remember, the bigger and more generic, the better!

Catherine Weingarten

The post 5 Over The Top Valentine’s Day Gifts That Say “I Don’t Know You At All” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.