Traffic court can be a crazy place. Which one of these rookie mistakes did you make your first time?

1. When the judge asked me to plead, I said “Please daddy”
2. I wore a shirt that said “The ‘L’ in Law stands for Loser”
3. I sneezed really hard, knocking the glasses off of the judge’s face to reveal that he was actually beautiful all along
4. I forgot to give the prosecution a tender, loving kiss on the forehead
5. I pointed to the statue of Lady Justice and said “kinky”
6. I wore wheelies and rolled in and out of the courtroom
7. I asked the bailiff if we could trade guns, and he immediately tackled me 
8. I attempted to pay the fine with Dogecoin
9. In an effort to make sure the cop couldn’t show up to my trial, I placed a banana peel at the foot of his car so that he’d comically slip and fall. Also I slashed his tires just in case. 
10. I neglected to study for and pass the bar exam in order to properly prepare for my trial
11. Thinking I’d be publicly executed for my crimes, I wrote a last will and testament, giving all of my worldly possessions to the Department of Homeland Security
12. I asked for a trial by combat, and brought my own sword, but it was one of those little cocktail swords, and I was promptly informed that only regulation rapiers are allowed

How many have you done?

0-4: What are you, a cop? You’ve only made a handful of these very common mistakes? Liar. 

5-8: You could be doing a little better, but you also could be doing a little worse. You’re at a healthy medium, like the amount of frosting in a “Double Stuf” Oreo, which is actually slightly less than double the normal amount, and should serve as the base amount of frosting in Oreos, while a real “Double Stuf” should be twice the stuff of what is now a “Double Stuf.”

9-12: Jesus Christ man. Did you even try? People like you are the reason the United States Justice system is broken. No other reason. Just you. Be better. 

Kai Nelson

The post Quiz: Which Of These Rookie Mistakes Did You Make Your First Time In Traffic Court? appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.