1. Stinky Tofurkey 

It’s always the worst person at the table sending special requests to the kitchen, and this time it’s your aunt’s new mid-life crisis vegan boyfriend.

2. Rotten Deviled Eggs

God be the glory! These adorable little eggs reek of the devil’s drip — one bite will have you running towards confession (and the bathroom) with your 13-year-old cousin who just found out what porn is.

3. Grandma’s 1950s Jello Salad

Famous during the Great Depression for making everyone greatly depressed. This year’s version features a stapler inside the gelatin mold, all thanks to granny’s recent dementia diagnosis and her newfound obsession with The Office.

4. Canned Cranberry Sauce

Are you kidding me?!?!?! This made it to the list?? It’s literally not even a recipe, it’s just mush in a jar. Either way, you can be sure your broke uncle will walk through the door with this shit. 

5. Creamed Spinach

Ok, ok, ok, creamed spinach is normally pretty good, but this side dish was made specially by your woke mom who just joined the Goop community — who knows what kind of cream is in that spinach.

Isabella Quiros

The post 5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Say “I Hope You Lost Your Sense Of Smell And Taste To COVID-19 Before Sitting Down At This Table” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

LANCASTER, PA– Scientists at The National Center For Turkey Improvement have been working at a breakneck pace to ensure that millions of Americans will be able to break wishbones with loved ones in a safe and socially distanced manner this Thanksgiving. “In the late winter when covid hit our shores and social distancing measures went into effect, the first thing I thought was, ‘Oh my God, how are we gonna break wishbones if we have to remain six feet apart at Thanksgiving?’ ” said David Pavo, chief scientist at The NCFTI. Pavo detailed how the staff put down other projects, such as developing turkeys with extra drumsticks, to get to work on this project right away. “At first we were trying to change the narrative. I felt like we had gotten away from what breaking of the wishbones was intended to mean. Early humans thought you were accessing the magical powers of the bird by breaking it and I wanted to tap into that.” Pavo and his team attempted to develop wishbones that were infused with the intelligence to perform basic illusions but ran into trouble when several humans were injured during trials. “After we failed at that, I realized that the answer was simple. All that we had to do was inject the poults (baby turkeys) with dinosaur DNA to make them larger so their bones could be broken at a safe distance.” The center has raised over two million super-sized turkeys which consumers can purchase for $18,000 each.

Damien Wendy

The post Scientists Racing To Develop Turkeys With Larger Wishbones For Social Distancing appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.