NEW YORK, NY– A new study conducted by LoveLab and the Environmental Council has reported that the only key to a long lasting relationship is actually not running the AC all god-damned day. “The true secret to love is simpler than expected before– instead of compatibility, attraction, similar long term goals– it really is way simpler than that. It’s the smaller things like putting on a sweater for once in your life or holding the flashlight in the right damned way,” says Dr. Howard Turtle, a behavioral scientist in charge of the study. “This should be illuminating to people of all ages trying to make a relationship work. Instead of spending all that money on couples counseling, maybe try to get some real life skills and maybe, Karen, you could take the cups to the kitchen instead of leaving them around the living room like a mad woman.” At press time, couples that had used this advice were wildly in love and just so elated their partners finally stopped running the goddamn AC or leaving the windows open like we’re made of money or something.

Catherine Weingarten

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ATLANTA — Asserting yet again that COVID-19 spreads primarily through respiratory droplets, the CDC begged Americans to stop sneezing up into the air so their friends could run through high-speed snot drizzle like a broken fire hydrant’s spray on a humid summer day in the city. “Look, arguing with a Trader Joe’s employee about having to wear your mask the whole time you’re shopping is one thing but this shit is extra dumb,” explained CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield, before threatening that he’ll flood the Internet – even the porn sites, if he has too – with boring public service announcements if the trend doesn’t stop immediately. “Can’t you goofs just go back to selling essential oils instead of pretending to be a mucus diffuser? I mean goddamn.” After the press conference, the CDC immediately started another public relations campaign to warn Americans about the dangers of performing anilingus on strangers because “you all just can’t keep your fluids to yourself, can you?”

Mark Manning

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