You won’t let them walk around Old City yelling “Wow, so old!”

They’re scared of the dark.

Philadelphia has been rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America and they just don’t feel like they are mature enough yet to handle that.

They’re worried their Cowboys face tattoo will not be received well.

They grew up in Philly.

“I could just FaceTime you instead.”

Their mom said no.

Because of the goddamn fucking pandemic, stop making this about you Jesus Christ, man!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post Reasons Your Friend Doesn’t Want To Visit You In Philly appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Looking for something fun to do this weekend that’s Covid-safe and involves staying at home and never ever leaving? Look no further than this helpful list that’ll hit all the best things you can do within your own home that also involve crying, because what else is there to do now?

1. Meditate While Crying: Now that life has become one perpetual panic attack, alleviate some of that stress with a relaxing guided meditation that hopefully stretches all of Saturday so you don’t have to worry about why you lightly coughed yesterday while watching Gossip Girl.

2. Watch a Sad Movie While Crying: You could try to watch something heartwarming, or you could just bite the bullet and watch something wildly depressing because you were going to be wildly crying on your couch anyway, why not just own it? Our picks for the weekend include Schindler’s List, A Walk to Remember or that fun new cancer movie on Hulu– get the tissue boxes ready!

3. Take a Scenic Walk Around your Living Room While Crying: Instead of going outside and risking a rando coughing on you, enjoy a beautiful walk around your living room. Take a glance at the family photo of you wearing braces and pushing your sister or the sparkly pillow from your mom that says “Wine Now, Not Wine Later!” Then swing by your grandpa’s urn and get ready for the waterworks.

4. Water Your Plant With Your Own Tears Because you Hate Your Life: Even though everything around you including your dreams are falling apart, you still got to tend to your plant! But does anyone even care anymore if you tend to him, does anyone!? Good thing you’ve been crying nonstop so you can water your plant with your own tears and broken dreams of traveling around Europe on an adorable bicycle.

5. Organize a Card Game in Your Living Room While Crying: Putting together an Apples to Apples game can be really fun but maybe less so when the only people in your household are your mom, your dad, and your Uncle Bo with the weird mustache. Try not to cry too hard when Bo puts down “My Life Choices” as a match for “Sad” or when your mom says she regrets marrying your dad after all this time together.

Have a great weekend and don’t forget all the exciting things you can do around your house that are way more fun than seeing actual human people and having a social life!

Catherine Weingarten

The post The Best Things To Do This Weekend At Home That All Involve Crying appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA, PA— The challenges of this past year have forced many people to evolve their daily routines, including our many #GirlBosses out there. We talked to one self-described #GirlBoss, 24-year-old Emily Dawson, to see how she is taking control and facing the uncontrolled spread of a terrifying and deadly virus head-on.

“Actually, nothing in my life is really all that different. Everyday I wake up and walk to my local woman-owned coffee shop, about 15 minutes away. Then I do some yoga and meditation exercises to channel my inner #BossBabe for about fifteen minutes, and then I chop up fresh fruit for my morning shake that gives me plenty of energy to be a #GirlBoss all day long, which takes about fifteen minutes to prepare. And of course in between each of these activities, I’m devoting plenty of time to diligently check that my computer screen looks active on Skype for Business. The vital key to being a successful #GirlBoss in this new era of the pandemic is to be able to effortlessly multitask and juggle multiple items simultaneously. Thinking of it now, I guess I’ve just done a really good job at keeping things consistent even in such scary and uncertain times. You can’t let your fear of the coronavirus control your life! It’s like my favorite Girl Boss herself’s husband, Franklin Delano Roosevelt used to say, ‘All we have to fear is fear itself.’”

Leah Frances

The post Inspiring! This Girl Boss Gets Paid To Swivel Her Mouse Every 15 Minutes appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

MEDIA, PA – As COVID-19 slows and the economy opens back up, Dawn Kershetsky is no longer able to put off visiting her parents. “I was really banking on this second wave to come in hotter,” Dawn told the Satirer. “In the beginning, I thought the pandemic was a blessing in disguise, I mean how often do you get an excuse to not visit your folks and act like you’re doing them a favor?” 

Unfortunately for Dawn, fewer people have died from this horrible disease in the last few weeks. As businesses only partially open back up under new safety guidelines, Dawn has been unable to fall back on her usual excuses of work trips, volunteering, or pet sitting. “I can’t tell them I’m busy with other stuff after I spent the last seven months posting about what a hero I was for staying indoors,” she explained.

The Satirer reached out to Joe and Irene Kershetsky but were unable to obtain a comment from them as they were both in intensive care recovering from COVID-19. Upon receiving the news, Dawn exclaimed, “Wait a minute, they caught it? Ugh! If they recover and become immune I’ll never be able to get out of visiting them!”

Adam Lerner

The post Woman Out Of Excuses For Not Visiting Parents As Pandemic Winds Down appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.