Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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1. Swallow an iPod Nano playing Let’s Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas on loop, rendering any footage taken during the procedure unusable due to DMCA violations

2. Neglect going to the practice colonoscopy beforehand

3. Hide your cancer in your appendix, they’ll never find it there!

4. Form a human centipede with yourself thereby blocking all ports of entry

5. Right before the proctologist inserts the scope announce, “Annnnd…..ACTION!”

6. Wear the wrong shoes

7. Swallow an AirPod and have a buddy call it to ask the doc how the ‘oscopy is going

8. Stick a can of snakes up there

9. Ask, “Is this a you-do-me-then-I-do-you kind of a thing?”

10. Use Deepfake technology on your butthole, meanwhile you’re sippin’ Mai Tai’s in Cabo

11. Don’t have health insurance

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Gaslight scented candle

Podcasting mic

A Reddit premium account

Cryptocurrency For Dummies

A job at Barstool Sports

An inspirational poster that says “I know you are, but what am I?”

A Chrome extension that adds “Well, actually” before any reply on a woman’s post

Coupons for a liquor store teenagers hang out in front of

Urethra wide mouth nozzle to spray urine on the toilet seat

Binoculars

A kick in the groin

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Mattress without a bed frame

Disappointing spice rack

Swiffer WetJet

Scrapple

The classic “8-Pairs-Of-Shoes-Taped-To-Shirt-And-Pants” monster

Shower mildew

Cat vomit, I think

Take all of your small houseplants out of their pots. Put the roots and soil into your pockets. I’m not sure if this is a costume- I just wanted to see what it looked like.

A copy of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne my coworker let me borrow

Divorce papers

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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The post Halloween Costume Ideas Using Things You Find Around The House appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

The staff at The Satirer found this leaked list of new flavors from Philly’s favorite regional potato chip company.

Italian Market Trashcan Fire

Broad Street Dirtbike Exhaust 

Parking Violation Envelope

City Wide Special

City Wide Special Hangover

Salt & Pepper & Lettuce & Tomato & Onion & Mayo & Ketchup

Lew Blum Towing Company

We’re Not Sure Why They’re Wet

Channel 6 ABC Action News Team

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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Turn it into scrapple.

Pick out all the shiny stuff and let the Mummers wear it.

Rebuild Hitchbot. We owe him one.

Ask the guy at Magic Gardens if he wants any of it.

Add a little pepper, then a little yellow stuff and baddaboom! Cheesesteak, at your service.

Mail it to the dump.

Give our sanitation workers a raise!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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The post Creative Solutions To Philly’s Trash Problem appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Download DuoLingo and learn their newest course, “How to Speak in Tongues.”

Start all of your work emails with “Dear Heavenly Father” from here on out.

Don’t pay your taxes- just like a real church.

Listen to “Faith” by George Michael on repeat. Congratulations, He is now your God. 

Buy DMT from the Dark Web. You will see Gods you never knew existed. 

Step away from anal and go back to missionary for a while. 

Masturbate in public to be sure someone’s still always watching.

Find a big ol’ pipe organ and let it rip baby!

Ask your doctor if Prozac is right for you.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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The post Ways To Keep Your Faith When It’s Obvious God Doesn’t Exist appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

• They’re talking about their friends from middle school more.
• Even you are tired of seeing your baby photos.
• They only wish you happy birthday through Facebook.
• They’ve been seen using Facebook alone in their car at 2 a.m. in a McDonald’s parking lot.
• Their eyes are red after getting their fix.
• Ben Shapiro commented on their latest post with “too far.”
• They’re hacking an election.
• They’re on Facebook.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

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