1. Stinky Tofurkey 

It’s always the worst person at the table sending special requests to the kitchen, and this time it’s your aunt’s new mid-life crisis vegan boyfriend.

2. Rotten Deviled Eggs

God be the glory! These adorable little eggs reek of the devil’s drip — one bite will have you running towards confession (and the bathroom) with your 13-year-old cousin who just found out what porn is.

3. Grandma’s 1950s Jello Salad

Famous during the Great Depression for making everyone greatly depressed. This year’s version features a stapler inside the gelatin mold, all thanks to granny’s recent dementia diagnosis and her newfound obsession with The Office.

4. Canned Cranberry Sauce

Are you kidding me?!?!?! This made it to the list?? It’s literally not even a recipe, it’s just mush in a jar. Either way, you can be sure your broke uncle will walk through the door with this shit. 

5. Creamed Spinach

Ok, ok, ok, creamed spinach is normally pretty good, but this side dish was made specially by your woke mom who just joined the Goop community — who knows what kind of cream is in that spinach.

Isabella Quiros

The post 5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Say “I Hope You Lost Your Sense Of Smell And Taste To COVID-19 Before Sitting Down At This Table” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Looking for something fun to do this weekend that’s Covid-safe and involves staying at home and never ever leaving? Look no further than this helpful list that’ll hit all the best things you can do within your own home that also involve crying, because what else is there to do now?

1. Meditate While Crying: Now that life has become one perpetual panic attack, alleviate some of that stress with a relaxing guided meditation that hopefully stretches all of Saturday so you don’t have to worry about why you lightly coughed yesterday while watching Gossip Girl.

2. Watch a Sad Movie While Crying: You could try to watch something heartwarming, or you could just bite the bullet and watch something wildly depressing because you were going to be wildly crying on your couch anyway, why not just own it? Our picks for the weekend include Schindler’s List, A Walk to Remember or that fun new cancer movie on Hulu– get the tissue boxes ready!

3. Take a Scenic Walk Around your Living Room While Crying: Instead of going outside and risking a rando coughing on you, enjoy a beautiful walk around your living room. Take a glance at the family photo of you wearing braces and pushing your sister or the sparkly pillow from your mom that says “Wine Now, Not Wine Later!” Then swing by your grandpa’s urn and get ready for the waterworks.

4. Water Your Plant With Your Own Tears Because you Hate Your Life: Even though everything around you including your dreams are falling apart, you still got to tend to your plant! But does anyone even care anymore if you tend to him, does anyone!? Good thing you’ve been crying nonstop so you can water your plant with your own tears and broken dreams of traveling around Europe on an adorable bicycle.

5. Organize a Card Game in Your Living Room While Crying: Putting together an Apples to Apples game can be really fun but maybe less so when the only people in your household are your mom, your dad, and your Uncle Bo with the weird mustache. Try not to cry too hard when Bo puts down “My Life Choices” as a match for “Sad” or when your mom says she regrets marrying your dad after all this time together.

Have a great weekend and don’t forget all the exciting things you can do around your house that are way more fun than seeing actual human people and having a social life!

Catherine Weingarten

The post The Best Things To Do This Weekend At Home That All Involve Crying appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

10. Out back in the alley by the dumpsters, Lady and the Tramp-style.

9. On the sidewalk that’s barely wide enough for a couple of slow-walkers side by side.

8. In the PPA garage next door. Hourly fees apply.

7. The “extended patio area” which is just a roped-off section of the street with the added excitement of cars narrowly avoiding your table while making wide turns.

6. On the back of the flatbed truck delivering the produce that’s still parked in a No Loading Zone.

5. On the flat tar roof that is now soft and bouncy from the heat. The views will be unobstructed as there are no railings in your way!

4. On the median on Washington Ave. Snag a spot before it’s used up for parking.

3. The vacant lot down the street where all those feral cats live. Don’t worry, they seem nice.

2. A romantic drift on the 100-ton barge slowly floating down the Schuylkill River.

1. In the safety of your own home where you can still support restaurants through take-out or delivery.

Irem Boz

The post Philly’s Creative New Outdoor Dining Spots – Ranked! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.