Vaccines are HOT! HOT! HOT!

It’s the one thing EVERYONE is talking about. We can’t get enough of vaccines this year, so we are here to give you the inside scoop on the most anticipated vaccines coming out in 2021. 

MMR Vaccine – We just can’t wait to get our hands on 2021’s MMR vaccine!! At their press briefing on Tuesday, Merck and EA Sports announced the drop of the brand new vaccine coming this February. It has all the great features of 2020’s measles vaccine, like protection against measles, mumps, and rubella with a 97% effective rate after two doses. But it also includes a new ultimate expansion pack where you can unlock cool giveaways and prizes. Log onto the Merck online store and you can claim your prize after your second dose of the vaccine.

Tetanus Shot – You know what’s NOT rusty, Adacel’s commitment to a fuego vaccine for you! With Adacel’s secret formula combined with the towing power of the all new 2021 Ford-150, you will be safe and sound from a tetanus infection this year. You may be eligible for a FREE six months of Sirius XM radio if you sign up for a 24 month contract, eligible in the rust belt states. 

Mad Cow Disease – If your cows are going mad with Mad Cow Disease, then listen up… Johnson & Johnson teamed up with Fandango to bring you the all new 2021 Mad Cow Disease vaccine. Just four easy doses (one for each stomach) and your cattle will be protected from this awful disease. And that’s not all! It also includes a $15 voucher for a movie, or refreshment, at your local movie theater (see terms and conditions on their website for valid movies, unlimited popcorn does not apply).

There is plenty to look forward to in 2021 when it comes to vaccines. Just because the COVID-19 vaccine is getting all the media hype doesn’t mean it’s your only option, don’t forget about the classics! 

Matt Roskin

The post Here Are 2021’s Hottest Vaccines! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, DC– In a groundbreaking reach across the cell wall, Joe Biden has extended an invitation to Covid-19 to join his administration.

“I’ve always found it important to find common ground, even with people or viruses you disagree with,” Biden told reporters today. “The American people are tired of the division, and replication, and division again. They’re tired of the polarization. America used to be a place where people of different backgrounds could come together in pursuit of a goal, and I’m hoping Covid-19 and I can prove that that America still exists.”

“Look, folks. Covid-19 isn’t a Republican, or a Democrat. It’s not Black, white, or anything in between. It’s American. Just like you and me. We both want what’s best for this great country,” Biden continued. “Do you know that Covid-19 has made over a billion copies of itself? Heck, I’d like to see any of you do that.”

Covid-19 could not be reached for comment, but single celled organisms close to the virus say that it is excited to take this next step in its political career. “It’s been hard getting to know the Democrats,” Covid-19 associate H1N1 said. “But I’m confident this invitation will help us get the adhesion process started. It’s a small step, but still a step in the right direction.”

Covid-19 will head up the newly created Virus-Human Relationship Council, a committee tasked with building dialogues between Americans and other novel diseases. Expected members include Dr Anthony Fauci, Dr Deborah Birx, MERS-CoV, H1N1, and a handful of viruses from the European Adenovirus Guild. Notably absent from the list of proposed members is SARS-CoV-1, who went through a high profile divorce with Covid-19 at the end of last year.

Adam Lerner

The post Joe Biden Invites Covid-19 To The White House In The Spirit Of Bipartisanship appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN DIEGO, CA– Calling their finding a “grim sign of more cases to come,” researchers from the U.S. Travel Association announced this week that 7,000 more people than originally predicted morphed into pterodactyls and soared through the skies over the holidays. 

“With the coronavirus restistrictions this holiday season, we predicted only around 5,000 people would take the risk and transform their human bodies into prehistoric flying reptiles,” explained lead researcher Brittany Evans, who added that now is not the time to see people from other households, even if it’s by molting out of your outer skin layer and letting your scaly wings explode out of your spine. 

“Masks are so important right now and one thing that concerns me about this many people turning into these ancient creatures of the skies is that we don’t have masks that fit their 4 foot long beaks yet. I know stores like Old Navy are selling masks for raptors and triceratops but nothing yet for the pterodactyls.”

“I don’t get what all the fuss is about,” explained San Diego resident and proponent of human-to-dinosaur transformation Jessica Peterson. “We maintain plenty of social distancing when we fly in flocks because of our 20-foot wingspans.” 

“It’s also just so hard not seeing family during the holidays. Oh well, I gotta run and grab some groceries,” added Peterson, before poofing into a pterodactyl and screaming “KRAAAAWK.” 

At press time, researcher Evans explained that although this is concerning for the spread of the disease, “most researchers agree this is fucking incredible.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Researchers Find U.S. Exceeded Holiday Travel Predictions With 7,000 More People Morphing Into Pterodactyls And Soaring Through The Skies appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

ATLANTA, GA– No need to buy more than one can of cranberry sauce this holiday season. The popular home remedy of “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” for COVID-19 prevention, popularized by the cranberry conspiracy group CranAnon, has been disproven by the CDC this week. In a press statement the CDC said, “There is no reason anyone, under any circumstance, should rub canned cranberry sauce over their raw nipples to prevent COVID-19. The virus is an airborne disease, and therefore cannot penetrate through the nipples. Nor will cranberry sauce, even with its viscous consistency, slow down the virus. Instead, we recommend you wear a mask in public and social distance.” This comes after many Americans have been seen shopping and dining without their shirts on, nipples completely covered in canned cranberry sauce. It is likely with this statement from the CDC that the general public will stop this practice. 

This is a tough blow to the canned cranberry industry. An Ocean Spray executive told the Philadelphia Satirer, “In an effort to pivot out of the nipple business, we have decided to develop our very own all-cranberry COVID-19 vaccine and believe we will have the science to back it up.”

Matt Roskin

The post CDC Confirms That “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” Is Not Good For COVID-19 Prevention appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

ATLANTA — Asserting yet again that COVID-19 spreads primarily through respiratory droplets, the CDC begged Americans to stop sneezing up into the air so their friends could run through high-speed snot drizzle like a broken fire hydrant’s spray on a humid summer day in the city. “Look, arguing with a Trader Joe’s employee about having to wear your mask the whole time you’re shopping is one thing but this shit is extra dumb,” explained CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield, before threatening that he’ll flood the Internet – even the porn sites, if he has too – with boring public service announcements if the trend doesn’t stop immediately. “Can’t you goofs just go back to selling essential oils instead of pretending to be a mucus diffuser? I mean goddamn.” After the press conference, the CDC immediately started another public relations campaign to warn Americans about the dangers of performing anilingus on strangers because “you all just can’t keep your fluids to yourself, can you?”

Mark Manning

The post CDC Asks Americans To Stop Running Through Sneeze Mist Like Sprinklers On A Hot Summer Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

MEDIA, PA – As COVID-19 slows and the economy opens back up, Dawn Kershetsky is no longer able to put off visiting her parents. “I was really banking on this second wave to come in hotter,” Dawn told the Satirer. “In the beginning, I thought the pandemic was a blessing in disguise, I mean how often do you get an excuse to not visit your folks and act like you’re doing them a favor?” 

Unfortunately for Dawn, fewer people have died from this horrible disease in the last few weeks. As businesses only partially open back up under new safety guidelines, Dawn has been unable to fall back on her usual excuses of work trips, volunteering, or pet sitting. “I can’t tell them I’m busy with other stuff after I spent the last seven months posting about what a hero I was for staying indoors,” she explained.

The Satirer reached out to Joe and Irene Kershetsky but were unable to obtain a comment from them as they were both in intensive care recovering from COVID-19. Upon receiving the news, Dawn exclaimed, “Wait a minute, they caught it? Ugh! If they recover and become immune I’ll never be able to get out of visiting them!”

Adam Lerner

The post Woman Out Of Excuses For Not Visiting Parents As Pandemic Winds Down appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – A new report from the city of brotherly love details that Eagles PPE masks used to protect you from COVID-19 will not in fact protect you from a punch thrown by a Dallas Cowboys fan. The bulk of data was gathered last Wednesday by U.S. Postal Service field worker Shawn Givens, who was delivering a package to known Cowboys fan Will Bryant. “I was suited up for battle with my Eagles mask on,” details Mailman Givens. “I knocked on Will’s door and asked when his lame-ass was getting a mask to show his love for them limp-dick Cowboys. Next thing I know he was coming down the steps swinging.” Givens suffered a broken nose in the fracas and had to be taken to Jefferson Hospital for concussion testing. “I was feeling pretty invincible, like nothing could get me wearing my Eagles mask, but it didn’t protect me from getting my nose broke. I’m beginning to wonder if these masks will really protect people from the ‘rona,” mused a defeated Givens from his hospital bed. At press time, the U.S. Postal Service cautioned against being a blatant asshole to fans of rival sports teams until more data on masks is gathered.

Damien Wendy

The post Report: Eagles Mask Won’t Protect You From Cowboys Fan’s Fist appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

10. Out back in the alley by the dumpsters, Lady and the Tramp-style.

9. On the sidewalk that’s barely wide enough for a couple of slow-walkers side by side.

8. In the PPA garage next door. Hourly fees apply.

7. The “extended patio area” which is just a roped-off section of the street with the added excitement of cars narrowly avoiding your table while making wide turns.

6. On the back of the flatbed truck delivering the produce that’s still parked in a No Loading Zone.

5. On the flat tar roof that is now soft and bouncy from the heat. The views will be unobstructed as there are no railings in your way!

4. On the median on Washington Ave. Snag a spot before it’s used up for parking.

3. The vacant lot down the street where all those feral cats live. Don’t worry, they seem nice.

2. A romantic drift on the 100-ton barge slowly floating down the Schuylkill River.

1. In the safety of your own home where you can still support restaurants through take-out or delivery.

Irem Boz

The post Philly’s Creative New Outdoor Dining Spots – Ranked! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Damien Wendy

The post Barf Outside Citizens Bank Park Has Dropped 40% With No Baseball Games appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.