PHILADELPHIA– A Fishtown couple believes that they have discovered the answer as to why their neighbor’s cat stares at length into their kitchen window. “We noticed our neighbor’s cat Nico staring in here for hours on end whenever we put something special on our kitchen table like a vase containing flowers or a large glass of chocolate milk,” said Maren Sullivan.

Sullivan and her husband Paul began conducting trials last spring during quarantine to see which items captured Nico’s attention the most. “We started to climb on our table to knock items off as a cat would and observed Nico’s reactions from next door. He was jumping around and going crazy in his window. It was as though he grew angry because he wanted to knock the Thomas Kinkade The Life Of Christ porcelain statue on the floor himself,” said Paul Sullivan.

Sadly, the study came to an abrupt end when Nico lost all interest in the Sullivans’ kitchen table due to a bird building a nest on the sill of his owner’s bathroom window.

Damien Wendy

The post Neighbor’s Cat Gazing Into Your Window Probably Surveying All The Stuff That Could Be Knocked Off The Table appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– On a recent sunny Sunday afternoon, a masked crowd of onlookers puzzled over a cat’s adoption bio in the window of a Fairmont Avenue pet store that announced that he was “420 friendly.” “That shit looks like a lion straight from Zion, hell yeah he’s 420 friendly,” exclaimed an onlooker. The 14lb Maine Coon cat named “Cheeba” had a regal leonine presence as he surveyed the scene on the sidewalk from his carpeted perch complete with a tie-dyed tapestry backdrop. Onlooker Mary Fouts pointed out that the “420 friendly” detail seemed sincere since nothing else in his bio seemed like jokey bullshit. The crowd grew agitated when a fan who entered the pet store and attempted to smoke a blunt with Cheeba was asked to leave the store. At press time, the crowd had started chanting “Free Cheeba” and was attempting to break into the pet store to liberate the cat.

Damien Wendy

The post Really? Cat’s Adoption Bio Says 420 Friendly appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– The majority of humans often wonder what their pets are thinking, but with a breakthrough technology developed at the University of Pennsylvania we don’t have to wonder anymore. “The technology involves a small magical top hat for the pet to wear which is connected to a computer,” detailed researcher Herman Munger. After the test subject, a cat named Marcel, was trained to not hate wearing the hat, he wore it as he went about his daily activities. “The majority of Marcel’s thoughts involved wondering why his owners couldn’t see the interdimensional beings passing through their home and keeping his privates clean for inspection by said interdimensional beings. He also expressed deep disgust at the lack of time his owners spent cleaning their own privates. Marcel believes he used to see his owners clean each-other’s privates, but he hasn’t seen that in a while,” remarked Munger. At press time, Marcel was feeling rather proud about how clean he had gotten his backside and wanted everyone to take a look.

Damien Wendy

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