WASHINGTON, D.C.– Our once great nation is under attack. 

This week it’s been reported that Joe Biden’s cabinet has failed to open a PowerPoint presentation with highly-classified information left by the previous administration for dealing with foriegn cyber attacks. 

The cabinet has spent hour after hour, day after day trying to get the file to open. Everytime they double click on the file, it just kind of freezes the computer for a few minutes, then tells them that their file is not supported on Windows Vista and that they will need to update their operating system.

Could this have been an attack from a foreign agent? Did Russia plant a spy to slow down the one 2008 Thinkpad laptop that the whole cabinet shares? 

The U.S. Director of Cybersecurity was flown in via military helicopter late last night to advise the Cabinet to try, “turning the laptop off, then back on again.” When that didn’t work, Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigeg drove over an ethernet cord to try connecting to the internet through the wall, but still no luck on opening this very important PowerPoint presentation.

Our best hope is that Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen’s grandson Joshua can help out the struggling Executive branch of our United States Government.

Matt Roskin

The post National Security Under Attack: Joe Biden’s Cabinet Is Struggling To Open Up Microsoft PowerPoint appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON D.C.- Now that President-Elect Joe Biden has been sworn in as the Commander-In-Chief, Americans are bracing for an uptick in centrist violence as his victory has emboldened even the most moderate citizens. “As if the Biden campaign’s message of ‘Change…But Not Too Fast’ wasn’t terrifying enough, we have celebrities like Matthew McConaughey inciting far-center moderates to action by championing becoming ‘aggressively centric,’” warned Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) researcher Miranda Rhodes. “Now we’re expecting to see a marked increase in extreme acts of moderate terror like ghosting after just two dates, changing lanes without using turn signals, and complaining about bosses to coworkers.” The stock market, in response to Biden’s inauguration, had a remarkably average day. Although the Biden administration won’t be nearly as anti-capitalist as a more leftist government, Rhodes stressed that workplace gossip can still escalate and hurt your boss’s feelings.

Mark Manning

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