PHILADELPHIA– According to multiple sources, the Philadelphia Eagles’ 2018 Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots is now an event that occured an even longer time ago than previously reported. Sources say that due to the continuing passage of time, this big game will continue to slide down the mountain of the past as we ourselves get older. “2018 is already four years ago,” one source familiar with how time works said. “Before we know it, it’ll be 2028. That would be a full decade since the Philly Special. That February night will be but a distant memory.” At the time of publishing, multiple Philadelphians were pulling together their money to fund research on halting time itself to make themselves a little less sad.

Ryan O'Connell

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PHILADELPHIA– “This entire city is an amazing fan base for my all-time favorite band, The Eagles,” explained out-of-towner Jason Rath, after visiting Philadelphia for the first time. 

“I was at a bar and suddenly this perfectly coordinated chant about the band broke out. Finally, an entire city that shares my appreciation for the songwriting mastery of Don Henley and Glenn Frey,” explained Rath, who said he’s been trying to start chants about the band The Eagles for years in his hometown Dallas but never received much interest. 

Rath was also shocked to see so much new band memorabilia across the city. “People have bumper stickers and flags for the band on their front doors. Rock on! I must’ve missed that tour,” said Rath, pointing to a shirt that said ‘Eagles Champions 2018.’

“Strangely, the city tends to praise the band only on Sundays, probably because listening to their music makes them feel closer to God like it does for me.”

Reflecting on the chant’s lyrics, Rath stated, “The best part is when they chant about the band’s incredible singing skills with ‘Hit ‘em low notes, hit ‘em high notes.’”

“They must’ve been tired of chanting by the end of the night because no one joined in on my Hotel California chant– ‘H-O-T-E-L C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A Hotel California!’”

Russ Bizaro

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PHILADELPHIA– Franklin is once again feeling the pressure of working in a city alongside two of the most iconic mascots in professional sports. “He threatened to light himself on fire in a Chickie’s and Pete’s bathroom when Gritty debuted back in September of 2018. Luckily his fur is flame retardant and several patrons pinned him to the ground and sang him Aerosmith songs until he felt better,” said Franklin’s mother and owner Mary Rexall. This time around, Franklin seems very upset that Ben Simmons is going to be traded and DM’ed the Phanatic some really dark shit. “Franklin and Ben had this tradition they would do every Tuesday morning: they would each get a Santucci’s original pizza and dump a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish cat food on it,” detailed Rexall. Rexall is asking fans to send Franklin videos of themselves eating this special treat to help him get through this tough time. Also, if Franklin’s favorite singer Steven Tyler is reading this, it might be cool if you sent The Satirer some $$$ so we can produce a few high-quality pizza videos to cheer Franklin up.

Damien Wendy

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Mark Manning

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PHILADELPHIA– On a recent Sunday afternoon, Gilbert Sok was seen wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hard hat as he drunkenly made his way into Lincoln Financial Field. “I fuckin love the Eagles man, but I don’t want to die for them. That’s why I wear this helmet when I come to games,” emoted Sok. Eagles hard hats are common among those working in the building trades where OSHA compliance is a must, Sok however works as a cashier at the Wawa on Richmond Street. He knocked on his battle-scarred hard hat and reflected, “This baby keeps all my brains in my skully. Once, I’m pretty sure a Cowboys fan hit me in the head with an axe, or maybe it was my sister because I ate all her pickles. I was pretty drunk but my helmet saved me from a concussion.” Mr. Sok feels that all fans should wear “helmets” so they can headbutt each other safely after touchdowns. At press time, he was considering investing in a pair of Eagles boxing gloves to protect his hands when he fights other fans on the Broad Street Line after games.

Damien Wendy

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PHILADELPHIA – The Philadelphia Flyers held a press conference Sunday night to reveal that every single player on the team is a giant orange muppet-gone-wrong masquerading as a human person.

“It’s time the fans knew the truth,” said right wing Jakub Voracek, who tore off his flesh mask and explained that his luxurious ginger beard was actually just a result of the disguise not fitting over his Gritty fuzz.

“You really think a human man could grow this?” he asked local sports reporter Ben Spark, causing him to faint.

Captain Claude Giroux explained that the team debuted the mascot version of themselves in 2018 to see how fans would react to the second weirdest-looking orange creature in the mid-Atlantic region after the current occupant of the White House. 

Despite the overwhelming support, the players didn’t feel ready to come out as their true selves until nearly two years later.

The Philadelphia Phillies have announced they would also hold a press conference to address rumors that they are all Phanatics in response to a leaked photo of shirtless right fielder Bryce Harper sporting vivid green chest hair.

Sophie Panzer

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PHILADELPHIA – A new report from the city of brotherly love details that Eagles PPE masks used to protect you from COVID-19 will not in fact protect you from a punch thrown by a Dallas Cowboys fan. The bulk of data was gathered last Wednesday by U.S. Postal Service field worker Shawn Givens, who was delivering a package to known Cowboys fan Will Bryant. “I was suited up for battle with my Eagles mask on,” details Mailman Givens. “I knocked on Will’s door and asked when his lame-ass was getting a mask to show his love for them limp-dick Cowboys. Next thing I know he was coming down the steps swinging.” Givens suffered a broken nose in the fracas and had to be taken to Jefferson Hospital for concussion testing. “I was feeling pretty invincible, like nothing could get me wearing my Eagles mask, but it didn’t protect me from getting my nose broke. I’m beginning to wonder if these masks will really protect people from the ‘rona,” mused a defeated Givens from his hospital bed. At press time, the U.S. Postal Service cautioned against being a blatant asshole to fans of rival sports teams until more data on masks is gathered.

Damien Wendy

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Damien Wendy

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Several other eyewitnesses gathered to posit theories as to why the gentleman was urinating on the side of a building. “I never saw that guy around here before. I think he was new to the area and just trying to mark his territory,” said Miss Bea, the block captain. 

During Miss Bea’s interview, people started yelling that the urinator was emerging from an apartment rental office across the street. He fled on foot but The Satirer was able to catch up to him when he stopped to pee again. The young man, who wished to not be identified, explained that he was on his way to see an apartment and had drunk too much coffee with breakfast that morning. 

At press time, the urinator was seen shaking hands with his new neighbors.

Damien Wendy

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Eric O'Callaghan

Human @ Earth

ericoc.com/

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