Looking for something fun to do this weekend that’s Covid-safe and involves staying at home and never ever leaving? Look no further than this helpful list that’ll hit all the best things you can do within your own home that also involve crying, because what else is there to do now?

1. Meditate While Crying: Now that life has become one perpetual panic attack, alleviate some of that stress with a relaxing guided meditation that hopefully stretches all of Saturday so you don’t have to worry about why you lightly coughed yesterday while watching Gossip Girl.

2. Watch a Sad Movie While Crying: You could try to watch something heartwarming, or you could just bite the bullet and watch something wildly depressing because you were going to be wildly crying on your couch anyway, why not just own it? Our picks for the weekend include Schindler’s List, A Walk to Remember or that fun new cancer movie on Hulu– get the tissue boxes ready!

3. Take a Scenic Walk Around your Living Room While Crying: Instead of going outside and risking a rando coughing on you, enjoy a beautiful walk around your living room. Take a glance at the family photo of you wearing braces and pushing your sister or the sparkly pillow from your mom that says “Wine Now, Not Wine Later!” Then swing by your grandpa’s urn and get ready for the waterworks.

4. Water Your Plant With Your Own Tears Because you Hate Your Life: Even though everything around you including your dreams are falling apart, you still got to tend to your plant! But does anyone even care anymore if you tend to him, does anyone!? Good thing you’ve been crying nonstop so you can water your plant with your own tears and broken dreams of traveling around Europe on an adorable bicycle.

5. Organize a Card Game in Your Living Room While Crying: Putting together an Apples to Apples game can be really fun but maybe less so when the only people in your household are your mom, your dad, and your Uncle Bo with the weird mustache. Try not to cry too hard when Bo puts down “My Life Choices” as a match for “Sad” or when your mom says she regrets marrying your dad after all this time together.

Have a great weekend and don’t forget all the exciting things you can do around your house that are way more fun than seeing actual human people and having a social life!

Catherine Weingarten

The post The Best Things To Do This Weekend At Home That All Involve Crying appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA, PA— The challenges of this past year have forced many people to evolve their daily routines, including our many #GirlBosses out there. We talked to one self-described #GirlBoss, 24-year-old Emily Dawson, to see how she is taking control and facing the uncontrolled spread of a terrifying and deadly virus head-on.

“Actually, nothing in my life is really all that different. Everyday I wake up and walk to my local woman-owned coffee shop, about 15 minutes away. Then I do some yoga and meditation exercises to channel my inner #BossBabe for about fifteen minutes, and then I chop up fresh fruit for my morning shake that gives me plenty of energy to be a #GirlBoss all day long, which takes about fifteen minutes to prepare. And of course in between each of these activities, I’m devoting plenty of time to diligently check that my computer screen looks active on Skype for Business. The vital key to being a successful #GirlBoss in this new era of the pandemic is to be able to effortlessly multitask and juggle multiple items simultaneously. Thinking of it now, I guess I’ve just done a really good job at keeping things consistent even in such scary and uncertain times. You can’t let your fear of the coronavirus control your life! It’s like my favorite Girl Boss herself’s husband, Franklin Delano Roosevelt used to say, ‘All we have to fear is fear itself.’”

Leah Frances

The post Inspiring! This Girl Boss Gets Paid To Swivel Her Mouse Every 15 Minutes appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

DES MOINES, IA– Urging contestants to maintain their enthusiasm for competitive coughing for one more month, the National Coughing Coalition announced Wednesday they are postponing Iowa’s annual indoor coughing competition until next month. “After many discussions with local health authorities, we have come to the decision that it just isn’t the right time for us to hold Cough-Con. We feel very confident that things will be completely back to normal in just 30 days,” announced coalition president Carl Peterson, adding that although this is the ninth time they’ve pushed back the competition, they’re pretty sure March will be totally fine. “Ultimately, our main focus at the National Coughing Coalition is on public safety. We want to assure our loyal fans that if they can just wait for one more month, this whole pandemic situation will be a thing of the past and we will be back to coughing down each other’s mouths for points in no time!” At press time, the competition organizers were in talks of a potential collaboration with the Committee On Hocking Loogies Great Distances.

Russ Bizaro

The post Iowa’s Annual Indoor Coughing Competition Rescheduled For Next Month appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA- Don’t spend it all in one place! A new Philly-based stimulus check calculator aims to demonstrate just how far your sweet, American fortune can go. A Satirer staffer who wishes to remain anonymous reported, “I’m just glad I don’t live in New York.” Another boasted, “I paid my rent. From June. Not sure what I’m supposed to do for all the other months.” For those still undecided on how they will spend their stimulus check, this new calculator will advise you.  All you have to do is enter your birth chart info (astrology is really “in” right now). The list below offers a glimpse of how you can expect to spend your scraps.

1.  City Wide Specials: Your stimulus check can provide you with roughly 120 shot-and-beer combos. If you work from home, this will give you some extra pep for your Zoom meetings. If you’re unemployed, an essential worker, or a water sign, this will help kick your depression into high gear.  
2. Arctic Splash Iced Tea: Your stimulus check can lavish you with approximately 402 Arctic Splashes. Medical experts do not recommend this drink to anyone who is diabetic, pre-diabetic, post-diabetic, or a Taurus.
3. PPA Parking tickets: Your stimulus check can only pay for about 10 parking tickets, so accrue them wisely. Ask a Capricorn for help budgeting.
4. SEPTA base fare: Your stimulus check will get you 240 rides on SEPTA. You’ll still have to walk 10 blocks to your actual destination though. If you need more than one transfer, you’ll have to pay extra for that– this ain’t New York, dickhead.

If the human race survives, Philadelphians might be looking at a second stimulus– that’s 933 more Arctic Splashes. What a time to barely be hanging onto life!

Teenie Lars

The post See How Many Arctic Splashes You Can Buy With This Philly-Style Stimulus Check Calculator appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Vaccines are HOT! HOT! HOT!

It’s the one thing EVERYONE is talking about. We can’t get enough of vaccines this year, so we are here to give you the inside scoop on the most anticipated vaccines coming out in 2021. 

MMR Vaccine – We just can’t wait to get our hands on 2021’s MMR vaccine!! At their press briefing on Tuesday, Merck and EA Sports announced the drop of the brand new vaccine coming this February. It has all the great features of 2020’s measles vaccine, like protection against measles, mumps, and rubella with a 97% effective rate after two doses. But it also includes a new ultimate expansion pack where you can unlock cool giveaways and prizes. Log onto the Merck online store and you can claim your prize after your second dose of the vaccine.

Tetanus Shot – You know what’s NOT rusty, Adacel’s commitment to a fuego vaccine for you! With Adacel’s secret formula combined with the towing power of the all new 2021 Ford-150, you will be safe and sound from a tetanus infection this year. You may be eligible for a FREE six months of Sirius XM radio if you sign up for a 24 month contract, eligible in the rust belt states. 

Mad Cow Disease – If your cows are going mad with Mad Cow Disease, then listen up… Johnson & Johnson teamed up with Fandango to bring you the all new 2021 Mad Cow Disease vaccine. Just four easy doses (one for each stomach) and your cattle will be protected from this awful disease. And that’s not all! It also includes a $15 voucher for a movie, or refreshment, at your local movie theater (see terms and conditions on their website for valid movies, unlimited popcorn does not apply).

There is plenty to look forward to in 2021 when it comes to vaccines. Just because the COVID-19 vaccine is getting all the media hype doesn’t mean it’s your only option, don’t forget about the classics! 

Matt Roskin

The post Here Are 2021’s Hottest Vaccines! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN DIEGO, CA– Calling their finding a “grim sign of more cases to come,” researchers from the U.S. Travel Association announced this week that 7,000 more people than originally predicted morphed into pterodactyls and soared through the skies over the holidays. 

“With the coronavirus restistrictions this holiday season, we predicted only around 5,000 people would take the risk and transform their human bodies into prehistoric flying reptiles,” explained lead researcher Brittany Evans, who added that now is not the time to see people from other households, even if it’s by molting out of your outer skin layer and letting your scaly wings explode out of your spine. 

“Masks are so important right now and one thing that concerns me about this many people turning into these ancient creatures of the skies is that we don’t have masks that fit their 4 foot long beaks yet. I know stores like Old Navy are selling masks for raptors and triceratops but nothing yet for the pterodactyls.”

“I don’t get what all the fuss is about,” explained San Diego resident and proponent of human-to-dinosaur transformation Jessica Peterson. “We maintain plenty of social distancing when we fly in flocks because of our 20-foot wingspans.” 

“It’s also just so hard not seeing family during the holidays. Oh well, I gotta run and grab some groceries,” added Peterson, before poofing into a pterodactyl and screaming “KRAAAAWK.” 

At press time, researcher Evans explained that although this is concerning for the spread of the disease, “most researchers agree this is fucking incredible.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Researchers Find U.S. Exceeded Holiday Travel Predictions With 7,000 More People Morphing Into Pterodactyls And Soaring Through The Skies appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SIOUX FALLS, SD– Expressing gratitude for health care workers who were not so quick to the draw when the pandemic started, the entire U.S. populace reportedly thanked all second responders, who would’ve been there sooner but they had a thing. “It’s important we recognize those who, without a moment’s hesitation, sprung into action after they did that thing they’ve been meaning to do for a while but hadn’t found a good time for it until now,” said 37-year-old Milwaukee resident Henry Becker, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who are celebrating health care personnel who eventually got around to helping out. “We are all truly grateful for all of the frontline workers whose first response to the largest public health crisis of our lifetime was to grab their keys, drive to the hospital, and march right into the ICU to ask their supervisor for an additional two weeks off since that thing they had to do was taking longer than expected. There is nothing more heroic than prioritizing the health and safety of others above all else bar whatever you have going on.” At press time, no second responders were available for comment as they all cited a nondescript family emergency.

Jeff Braun

The post Nation Thanks Second Responders, Who Would’ve Been There Sooner But They Had A Thing appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Yet another industry has been devastated by COVID-19: comedy. “This pandemic has really decimated comedy delivery vehicles, like stand up and film,” said joke historian Dr. Seamus O’Rourke. “Now it’s affecting the real core of the industry: the jokes.” Dr. O’Rourke and other experts have predicted a severe joke shortage going into the winter.

With bars in most places operating at reduced capacity, jokes about people walking into bars are in dangerously limited supply. Other joke sources, such as water-cooler talk and riding public transportation face a similar predicament, as the pandemic discourages people from travel and office work. “Jokes about airline food have been a staple for decades,” O’Rourke explained. “But now with the air travel restrictions, they’ve all but disappeared. If nobody’s eating bland airline food, jokes about it just aren’t going to land.”

Knock-knock jokes, which have been in decline for years, experienced a recent surge in the months preceding the election due to over-eager canvassers. But that surge was short lived; according to the North American Joke Exchange, knock-knock futures contracts plummeted this week, settling at the lowest amount since the invention of the door.

Dr. Tanya Evans from the Comedy Production Laboratory in Los Angeles, CA, is trying to stay optimistic. “In the short term I think there’s going to be a push towards impression or character based comedy. Like how perky white yuppie women act on zoom calls, or how stoners act on zoom calls, et cetera. That’s not a permanent fix but it might buy us time,” she explained further. 

This is a controversial opinion that divides the joke research community, as the Comedy Tweetocracy mandated last year that so-called “character” comedy was to be gradually phased out to reduce the perpetuation of problematic stereotypes. 

“I’m not thrilled about getting six dozen ‘loud Black women talking over everyone in a zoom call’ skits, but that’s what happens when edgy comics get desperate,” Evans lamented. “White guys almost crashed the joke market in the early 2000s by overproducing racist accent jokes for satellite radio, so there’s a huge risk of creating another bubble. But I think it’s unavoidable. There just aren’t going to be enough jokes for everyone to stick to the approved material.”

O’Rourke had a more pessimistic outlook. “We’re in a deflationary death spiral right now. The shortage is already causing people’s sense of humor to devolve. There’s an entire generation coming up thinking that lip-syncing the president is funny. I don’t know how comedy will ever recover.”

Adam Lerner

The post Joke Shortage Looms As Pandemic Prevents People From Walking Into Bars appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

ATLANTA, GA– No need to buy more than one can of cranberry sauce this holiday season. The popular home remedy of “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” for COVID-19 prevention, popularized by the cranberry conspiracy group CranAnon, has been disproven by the CDC this week. In a press statement the CDC said, “There is no reason anyone, under any circumstance, should rub canned cranberry sauce over their raw nipples to prevent COVID-19. The virus is an airborne disease, and therefore cannot penetrate through the nipples. Nor will cranberry sauce, even with its viscous consistency, slow down the virus. Instead, we recommend you wear a mask in public and social distance.” This comes after many Americans have been seen shopping and dining without their shirts on, nipples completely covered in canned cranberry sauce. It is likely with this statement from the CDC that the general public will stop this practice. 

This is a tough blow to the canned cranberry industry. An Ocean Spray executive told the Philadelphia Satirer, “In an effort to pivot out of the nipple business, we have decided to develop our very own all-cranberry COVID-19 vaccine and believe we will have the science to back it up.”

Matt Roskin

The post CDC Confirms That “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” Is Not Good For COVID-19 Prevention appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA-  The largest adult entertainment club in Philadelphia has reopened their doors, or rather, their parking lot and are telling anyone under the age of 18 not to look. The entertainers and staff found wooden pallets off the street to use as their stage and street signs as their poles. Small tents line the main stage to be used for private dances, as well as folding tables for makeshift bars. However, since the establishment requires patrons to be 18 years or older to enter, they have posted signs around the perimeter of the outdoor club that read “18 And Under Not Permitted To Look.” “I’m so happy we are able to open back up outside, just like everyone else has,” said Amber Chandelier, Delilah’s lead entertainer. “If a kid happens to take a peek, it’s not the end of the world. He’ll see them sooner or later in life.” 

This has created quite a stir in the city and families with small children have been advised to avoid the area for the time being. The city has recommended that if you must pass by the establishment to cover your children’s eyes or distract them to look the other way. One family with children, ages 5 and 7, lives 3 blocks from the establishment and take daily walks down to the river since the pandemic started. “About a month ago, a man yelled to my husband to ‘come see the show next Friday morning’ while he was putting some pallets together. We got excited there was a show to bring the kids to!” said Blaire Gallegous of Spring Garden, 36. “We brought our kids over with soccer chairs and Goldfish, trying to figure out what the big show was. To my surprise, a bunch of women dressed in extremely provocative clothing walked out to WAP by Cardi B.” The Gallegous family now takes a different walking route to the river. 

The biggest issue Delilah’s faces are the 15-17 year old boys who have been sitting in fold up chairs on the other end of the parking lot enjoying the show with flasks and snacks. “I don’t really see the big problem here,” explained a 17 year old boy who asked to remain anonymous so he doesn’t get in trouble with his parents. “I can get this for free on the internet anyways and that’s even wilder than this! We drop off some money for the girls before we go too, so it’s a win-win.” Delilah’s has posted on their website that they are currently hiring for “Dollar Dolls” who chase after dollar bills blown away by the wind.

Lindsey Vernick

The post Delilah’s Reopens In Parking Lot, Tells Anyone Under 18 Not To Look appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.