PHILADELPHIA- The Kimmel Center has announced its 2022-2023 line up, and theatergoers across the city have been aroused by the news that Franklin will be making its international debut. Describing the musical as “all the eroticism of 50 Shades of Grey meets the informative value of a three hour History Channel documentary,” lyricist Harry Hancock believes the musical gives audiences what Hamilton was missing: the sexualization of one of America’s most beloved Founding Fathers. 

Hancock was first inspired after discovering the entire Wattpad catalog of Hamilton fanfiction. Clearly, there was a demand for eroticism within the setting of Colonial America. When conceiving the plot, Hancock turned to America’s most historically accurate horndog, Benjamin Franklin. After reading a single biography, Hancock was prepared to rewrite history. Not only would this Franklin be woke, but also sex positive.

With composer Cyn-Annabelle Atlanta, the pair were prepared to create a masterpiece that would stimulate the mind in various ways. With many twists and turns, audiences may forget what’s true and what was added to make an 18th century historical figure woke enough for modern audiences. “One minute Ben’s rapping passages from Poor Richard’s Almanac and the next he’s pole dancing on a printing press,” said Atlanta when asked what audiences could expect of the debut production.

Some critics have raised concerns that a focus on objectification could overlook more problematic areas of the Founding Father’s life. Hancock’s response: “Sure it is factually correct that Benjamin Franklin owned at least two slaves during his lifetime, but mentioning that might be a turn-off from the finale: an orgy-esque signing of the Constitution. We’re here to electrocute some hearts and groins, not unpack the problematic political-economic conditions of Early America.”

While the cast for Franklin has not been announced, critics have speculated one city native has edged out the competition to perform the titular role in the city of Step-Brotherly love. 

Evie Klein

The post It’s Like Hamilton But Hornier: New Musical About Benjamin Franklin to Open at Kimmel Center appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – It was a typical Friday morning for sixteen-year-old Anna and her mother, Ellen, with the two arguing about Anna cutting class. Things soon took a freaky turn when they both wished for the other to know what it’s like to be them, leading the mother and daughter to switch bodies for the day. 

On the body switch, teenager Anna stated, “being fifty-years-old is a nightmare. I was hot one minute, cold the next, and I cried over a Kay Jewelers commercial. It was like puberty, but instead of pimples I just had sores on my feet. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I honestly missed being on my period, it beats carpal tunnel.” When asked if this experience will change how she treats her mother, Anna said, “Ugh, I guess. I’ll stop calling her bipolar now, I’ll just call her menopausal instead.” 

Ellen was excited to live life as a teenager again. On the experience, Ellen said, “It was so great being able to bend down again without cracking my knees. I dropped a pencil and I didn’t even groan or wince.” When asked if this experience will change how she treats her daughter, Ellen said, “I didn’t know high school was so hard. Letters in math, milk with pizza for lunch, all awful combinations. No wonder she ditches school, even I ditched.”

Ellen and Anna both claim that this experience has shaped their dynamic until they got in another fight the next Friday and both wished for the other to walk a mile in their shoes.

Brianna Benozich

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PHILADELPHIA– Today’s Wordle puzzle, that you completed in three attempts, came with the added satisfaction of a complete idiot on Twitter proudly posting that they completed the same puzzle in four tries. “How did James from my 8th grade class go from three yellow and one green on attempt two, to two yellow and no green on attempt three?” mused your inner monologue in smug disbelief. “He was so smart back then. I guess he’s dumb now.” Further scrolling of your Twitter Feed confirmed your cousin who solved it in just two steps must be a freaking genius. “I’ll have to call her up and see what she thinks I should do with my crypto.”

Edmund Fox

The post Complete Idiot Shares Wordle Completed In 4 Steps You Did In 3 appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Tragedy struck this past weekend for parents Gene and Sophie Wanderson while shopping at a busy mall for last minute holiday gifts. “I looked down and he was just gone,” cried Sophie speaking of their young bespectacled son, Waldo, who Gene swore was just with them a second ago. The parents began retracing their steps in efforts to find the usually unmistakable boy given his less-than-trendy red & white striped sweater and hat combo. 

After searching what they believed to be every corner of the mall, Gene and Sophie grew so worried they started yelling Waldo’s name and asking the other mall goers for help. “There were people who just started laughing,” stated a rather annoyed Gene after he had spent precious time describing his son to others and asking if anyone had seen Waldo. Tension built as several times they stopped thinking they had found their lost son, only to have been fooled by others who seemed to share their son’s previously unique clothing style.

Luckily the Wandersons eventually received several tips that led the parents to check the bookstore. There Gene and Sophie were finally reunited with their son, Waldo. The store cheered “There’s Waldo!” while the family shared a warm embrace. The relief the parents felt was only rivaled by the times they had found their son after he got lost at the beach, theme park, ski lodge, and space station.

Christian Beardall

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NYC– Local woman Sandra Jean Simmins was reported to have read 15 pages of the very lengthy historical biography she was holding on the bus. “I know! I’m such a big reader!” Sandra says with a big smile. “I read 15 pages and now know that the subject of the book was born in 1918, liked lighting orphanages on fire, and hated all women, especially his mother. I read fifteen pages but it only says page 5 because some of the numbers were in Roman numerals, so it still counts.”

“People ask me how I have the confidence to have such a big book on the bus and I tell them– I dunno, guess smart women can walk amongst us.” At press time, Sandra had made it to 20 pages and threw herself a “Reading Icon” party at the feminist bookstore Bluestockings Bookshop in the Lower East Side. She later threw the book in the trash because it turned out the guy was terrible.

Catherine Weingarten

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LOS ANGELES — Complaining about the end of her summer vacations despite having taken vacations every summer, fall, winter, and spring, a well-known celebrity wife made headlines last Tuesday for her Tweets on the matter. “I just can’t believe summer is over, right when I was starting to feel relaxed after my 3-month summer vacation,” she wrote via Twitter for iPhone, adding that “it’s so hard to find me time” while on the road with her husband during his global music tour, which begins in Philadelphia and hits every major city in the world worth visiting. “I get bummed when school starts because I feel stuck in LA with my kids, but thankfully we can afford multiple nannies to raise them while Mommy is busy working. It takes a village!” When asked for comment on her latest Tweet, the celeb’s team told The Satirer: “Like most, the entire family is truly sad about the end of Hot Vax Summer, but they’re looking forward to unwinding during their next 10 vacations which have been spread out to occur throughout the rest of 2021. 

Isabella Quiros

The post ‘I Just Can’t Believe Summer Is Over,’ Posts Celebrity Who Also Vacations In Fall, Winter, and Spring appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, DC– New details have come to light over the controversial methods used to get an old man to cry in a Chevrolet Truck commercial that aired widely last fall and early winter. “There’s the right way to make an old man cry and then there’s the wrong way. In this case, Chevrolet definitely used the wrong way,” said Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg.

The details of the abuse came to light after concerned citizens began to wonder why the old man was crying in the first place and started asking questions. When reached for comment Chevrolet said: “Proper guidelines were followed to make the old man cry and that those who are not comfortable with this type of raw expression of emotion are trying to railroad us.”

When asked why The Department of Transportation was handling the investigation, Secretary Buttigieg responded, “because the abuse took place in a truck commercial and trucks are a form of transportation.”

Damien Wendy

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PHILADELPHIA– A Kensington entrepreneur dreams of growing his “funny yet erotic” greeting card company to a place where people are shorting its stock. “This whole Wall Street bets thing got my creative juices flowing. It made me think what if I created a company that got super successful then crapped out and people were shorting the stock like AMC and GameStop,” said Tasteful Dudes Greeting Card Company founder Steven Bone. Bone who knows nothing about the greeting card business didn’t let that stop him from creating over two hundred greeting card concepts. “I’m not really an artist but I drew up like a bunch of different cards, some are XXX-rated, I also put together a pitch deck for prospective investors to take a look at. Now that bars are re-opened I’ve really been able to show the pitch deck to a bunch of people. Some people have even given me $20 or bought me a beer to leave them alone.” At press time, Bone began to realize that many greeting card companies aren’t publicly traded and was trying to pivot his concept to another type of business.

Damien Wendy

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PHILADELPHIA– Describing a grim existence for all humans of the past, a report released Monday by the National Society of Historians confirmed the long-held theory that people living in the past were probably really stinky. “I know it’s hard to imagine since all we know is the present, but after combing through thousands of historical documents and artifacts, our team can confidently say that previous civilizations were certifiably stanky,” said University of Pennsylvania Historian Gerald Whetten, pinching his nose and muttering “pee-yew” at the thought of the smelly past. 

“I first felt the need to further research this topic after watching an episode of Outlander and seeing how sweaty everyone was after passionate love-making without air conditioning. The most surprising finding in our study is that Old Spice didn’t even exist until 1937. People must’ve been walking around with big stench marks rising from their putrid, historical bodies.” The report goes on to speculate possible ways people were able to make themselves smell clean before the invention of Axe Body Spray in 1983.  

Whetten added that he’s hopeful future generations will find ways to completely eradicate our sense of smell. 

Russ Bizaro

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NEW YORK– Unwinding from their recent trials and tribulations and nothing more, a pair of movie characters, Jason Knox and Hamish Batie, were playing a game of chess for their own personal pleasure that did not serve as a microcosm of the main narrative conflict. “I’m really glad we could find some time to relax and do something wholly unrelated to everything we’ve been going through recently,” said Batie as he captured one of Knox’s last remaining pieces, which is in no way reflective of the current state of affairs of some broader struggle. “Also, just to clarify, I didn’t choose Black because it symbolizes which side of the moral dichotomy of good and evil I’m on but rather because I just so happen to prefer playing as Black.” At press time, Knox and Batie had gotten into a heated argument for the sole purpose of hashing some stuff out and not to signify the second act break.

Jeff Braun

The post Chess Game In Movie Not Microcosm Of Main Narrative Conflict, Characters Just Playing Chess Because It’s Fun appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.