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Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post This Stuff Is Totally Legit, Okay? …See?! appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Can this man catch a break? 

Todd Cruz (34) from Seattle, WA has had a tough go of late. Todd used to have an awesome name. The kids all called him “Tom Cruise” back in elementary school. He was the king of the goddamn playground. Kids those days really ignored all that scientology stuff too, I guess it didn’t matter to a bunch of children.

But now things are different. When a barista yells out, “One oat milk latte for Todd Cruz,” instead of images of the dashing movie star, they think of the grotesque U.S. Senator Ted Cruz. Todd told the Satirer, “I’m just a normal guy. I work in marketing at a small firm here in Seattle. I haven’t even been to Texas. But anytime I go to a Chipotle, the employees spit in my food. The other customers heard my name and spit on me as well. I’ve also been receiving hate mail for the last couple years, but it’s really picked up. I even got one from my mom. She told me to ‘get bent you fat piece of human feces.’ That one stung the most.”

The only nice part of this big misunderstanding is Todd Cruz got an automatic upgrade to first class on his flight to Cancun.

Matt Roskin

The post Heartbreaking: This Man’s Name Is Todd Cruz appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Our once great nation is under attack. 

This week it’s been reported that Joe Biden’s cabinet has failed to open a PowerPoint presentation with highly-classified information left by the previous administration for dealing with foriegn cyber attacks. 

The cabinet has spent hour after hour, day after day trying to get the file to open. Everytime they double click on the file, it just kind of freezes the computer for a few minutes, then tells them that their file is not supported on Windows Vista and that they will need to update their operating system.

Could this have been an attack from a foreign agent? Did Russia plant a spy to slow down the one 2008 Thinkpad laptop that the whole cabinet shares? 

The U.S. Director of Cybersecurity was flown in via military helicopter late last night to advise the Cabinet to try, “turning the laptop off, then back on again.” When that didn’t work, Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigeg drove over an ethernet cord to try connecting to the internet through the wall, but still no luck on opening this very important PowerPoint presentation.

Our best hope is that Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen’s grandson Joshua can help out the struggling Executive branch of our United States Government.

Matt Roskin

The post National Security Under Attack: Joe Biden’s Cabinet Is Struggling To Open Up Microsoft PowerPoint appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA- Don’t spend it all in one place! A new Philly-based stimulus check calculator aims to demonstrate just how far your sweet, American fortune can go. A Satirer staffer who wishes to remain anonymous reported, “I’m just glad I don’t live in New York.” Another boasted, “I paid my rent. From June. Not sure what I’m supposed to do for all the other months.” For those still undecided on how they will spend their stimulus check, this new calculator will advise you.  All you have to do is enter your birth chart info (astrology is really “in” right now). The list below offers a glimpse of how you can expect to spend your scraps.

1.  City Wide Specials: Your stimulus check can provide you with roughly 120 shot-and-beer combos. If you work from home, this will give you some extra pep for your Zoom meetings. If you’re unemployed, an essential worker, or a water sign, this will help kick your depression into high gear.  
2. Arctic Splash Iced Tea: Your stimulus check can lavish you with approximately 402 Arctic Splashes. Medical experts do not recommend this drink to anyone who is diabetic, pre-diabetic, post-diabetic, or a Taurus.
3. PPA Parking tickets: Your stimulus check can only pay for about 10 parking tickets, so accrue them wisely. Ask a Capricorn for help budgeting.
4. SEPTA base fare: Your stimulus check will get you 240 rides on SEPTA. You’ll still have to walk 10 blocks to your actual destination though. If you need more than one transfer, you’ll have to pay extra for that– this ain’t New York, dickhead.

If the human race survives, Philadelphians might be looking at a second stimulus– that’s 933 more Arctic Splashes. What a time to barely be hanging onto life!

Teenie Lars

The post See How Many Arctic Splashes You Can Buy With This Philly-Style Stimulus Check Calculator appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON, DC– In a groundbreaking reach across the cell wall, Joe Biden has extended an invitation to Covid-19 to join his administration.

“I’ve always found it important to find common ground, even with people or viruses you disagree with,” Biden told reporters today. “The American people are tired of the division, and replication, and division again. They’re tired of the polarization. America used to be a place where people of different backgrounds could come together in pursuit of a goal, and I’m hoping Covid-19 and I can prove that that America still exists.”

“Look, folks. Covid-19 isn’t a Republican, or a Democrat. It’s not Black, white, or anything in between. It’s American. Just like you and me. We both want what’s best for this great country,” Biden continued. “Do you know that Covid-19 has made over a billion copies of itself? Heck, I’d like to see any of you do that.”

Covid-19 could not be reached for comment, but single celled organisms close to the virus say that it is excited to take this next step in its political career. “It’s been hard getting to know the Democrats,” Covid-19 associate H1N1 said. “But I’m confident this invitation will help us get the adhesion process started. It’s a small step, but still a step in the right direction.”

Covid-19 will head up the newly created Virus-Human Relationship Council, a committee tasked with building dialogues between Americans and other novel diseases. Expected members include Dr Anthony Fauci, Dr Deborah Birx, MERS-CoV, H1N1, and a handful of viruses from the European Adenovirus Guild. Notably absent from the list of proposed members is SARS-CoV-1, who went through a high profile divorce with Covid-19 at the end of last year.

Adam Lerner

The post Joe Biden Invites Covid-19 To The White House In The Spirit Of Bipartisanship appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON D.C.- Now that President-Elect Joe Biden has been sworn in as the Commander-In-Chief, Americans are bracing for an uptick in centrist violence as his victory has emboldened even the most moderate citizens. “As if the Biden campaign’s message of ‘Change…But Not Too Fast’ wasn’t terrifying enough, we have celebrities like Matthew McConaughey inciting far-center moderates to action by championing becoming ‘aggressively centric,’” warned Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) researcher Miranda Rhodes. “Now we’re expecting to see a marked increase in extreme acts of moderate terror like ghosting after just two dates, changing lanes without using turn signals, and complaining about bosses to coworkers.” The stock market, in response to Biden’s inauguration, had a remarkably average day. Although the Biden administration won’t be nearly as anti-capitalist as a more leftist government, Rhodes stressed that workplace gossip can still escalate and hurt your boss’s feelings.

Mark Manning

The post America Braces For Wave Of Centrist Violence After Biden Inauguration appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

WASHINGTON D.C.– Sitting in a crate with a blanket draped over it to keep him calm, Senator Mitch McConnell is being brought to the veterinarian this afternoon to express his glands. “It’s actually pretty normal for the Senate Majority Leader to need his anal glands expressed every year or so,” says veterinarian Jill Seaback, while squeezing into a second set of latex gloves. “An easy way to tell when Mitch McConnell needs his glands expressed is if you see him scooting his butt across the carpet of the Senate floor.” 

“Diet plays a big role in prevention,” she continues. “If you find your Senate Majority Leader starts to get these often, I always recommend switching to Purina’s premium blend, which now comes in beef or peanut butter flavors.” 

Seaback says there are also ways to perform the procedure at home. “You’ll have to grip the Senate Majority Leader’s anal gland with your thumb and forefinger, and then squeeze in a gentle milking motion. For more tips, you can search online for “How to express Mitch McConnell’s glands at home.”

“After the procedure is done, your Senate Majority Leader might start biting his crotch if it itches. For those cases, we usually put a big cone around his neck,” Seaback suggests. “And when he gets home, make sure to reward him with a treat and tell him how good of a boy he was today.”

At press time, Mitch McConnell was happy to be back to a normal day on the Senate floor, sniffing other elected officials’ butts to get to know each other better.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post Mitch McConnell Being Brought To Vet To Express His Glands appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA- A new report finds that 73% of South Philly Italians strongly support their city’s police union despite recent backlash. The Satirer interviewed one South Philly native by the name of Don Esposito to get his perspective.

“Maybe I’m old fashioned but back in my day we did crime a little different. We had real professionals working on the job,” said Esposito. “There were none of these news headlines, no crying in the streets, no riots, none of that. If Nicky Scarfo organized a march, I tell ya, it’d be single file lines and we’d never hear about it, that’s all I can say. Organization—that’s what I’m talking about. The crime these days, it’s all too sloppy for me. You got people everywhere, all over the streets, spray painting, chanting, smashing windows, causing a ruckus.”

When asked by the Satirer what advice he would give to protesters, Esposito said, “I will tell you this, my message to all the kids out there trying to make a difference: Stop. You can’t go around asking the police to leave you alone and then throwing a riot every time they don’t. Cops are real simple, and I would know on account of my brother-in-law being one. Slide ‘em a few bucks next time and they might think twice about knocking down your door. But you didn’t hear it from me. I’m just a simple guy, born and raised in South Philly, putting on my black pinstriped suit every day just like anybody else.”

Leah Frances

The post Report: South Philly Italians Are Tough On Crime Unless It Seems Organized appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

War is ruff! That’s why it’s hard not to shed a tear when our fuzzy companions finally find their way home after a long tour of sticking their noses where they don’t belong and leaving messes for others to clean up in the name of protecting life, liberty, and the pursuit of puppyness. So go ahead and try not to cry at these adorable photos of cuddly little doggies returning home from senseless warfare.

Pass me a tissue!  The only war crimes these brave little puppers are guilty of are being too cute.

Zachary Decker

The post Try Not To Cry At These Photos Of Doggies Returning Home From War appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA- Exit polls being conducted during today’s general election are indicating that the majority of Americans who have entered polling places have been able to escape from them. “Early data is showing that we are polling and releasing far more voters than 2016, when one in ten Americans became trapped in their polling places for up to forty-five days,” said pollster Margery Numeros. “Many of the voters are in their old elementary school and think they know their way out and take a wrong turn,” explained Numeros, recalling a confused Texas voter who emerged in 2016 sporting an enormous beard and a “Bob Dole for President” button.

Texas courts have struck down a provision for Voter Rescue Workers to hold the hands of individual voters for the entire time that they are in a polling place which may lead to even more lost voters.

Numeros asked voters to pay attention to the route they took into a polling place and advised against following anyone who says, “I know these halls like the back of my hand.”

Damien Wendy

The post Exit Polls Indicate Majority Of Americans Found The Exits appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.