PHILADELPHIA- The Kimmel Center has announced its 2022-2023 line up, and theatergoers across the city have been aroused by the news that Franklin will be making its international debut. Describing the musical as “all the eroticism of 50 Shades of Grey meets the informative value of a three hour History Channel documentary,” lyricist Harry Hancock believes the musical gives audiences what Hamilton was missing: the sexualization of one of America’s most beloved Founding Fathers. 

Hancock was first inspired after discovering the entire Wattpad catalog of Hamilton fanfiction. Clearly, there was a demand for eroticism within the setting of Colonial America. When conceiving the plot, Hancock turned to America’s most historically accurate horndog, Benjamin Franklin. After reading a single biography, Hancock was prepared to rewrite history. Not only would this Franklin be woke, but also sex positive.

With composer Cyn-Annabelle Atlanta, the pair were prepared to create a masterpiece that would stimulate the mind in various ways. With many twists and turns, audiences may forget what’s true and what was added to make an 18th century historical figure woke enough for modern audiences. “One minute Ben’s rapping passages from Poor Richard’s Almanac and the next he’s pole dancing on a printing press,” said Atlanta when asked what audiences could expect of the debut production.

Some critics have raised concerns that a focus on objectification could overlook more problematic areas of the Founding Father’s life. Hancock’s response: “Sure it is factually correct that Benjamin Franklin owned at least two slaves during his lifetime, but mentioning that might be a turn-off from the finale: an orgy-esque signing of the Constitution. We’re here to electrocute some hearts and groins, not unpack the problematic political-economic conditions of Early America.”

While the cast for Franklin has not been announced, critics have speculated one city native has edged out the competition to perform the titular role in the city of Step-Brotherly love. 

Evie Klein

The post It’s Like Hamilton But Hornier: New Musical About Benjamin Franklin to Open at Kimmel Center appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Calling all activists: 

The city is in dire need of help with its main bell, known to some as “the Liberty Bell.” We are asking people to sign this petition to raise awareness of what appears to be a massive crack that has formed. We’re not sure if any of the city’s leaders are yet aware of the damage, or if we’re the first people to notice, so please sign here so we can let the mayor know as soon as possible. Time is of the essence with these things.

I first noticed it when I was in the line to see the bell and I can’t be sure, but I think it got bigger as I was standing there. Based on my quick analysis, it’s definitely a fresh crack so it must’ve happened within the past week or so. My theory is that a group of teens did it as a way to commit vandalism. But they weren’t too smart because they left their names engraved on the back. So if anyone knows the whereabouts of the “Pass and Stow” gang, please reach out.

When I pointed out this new crack to the staff, several of the tour guides tried to tell me the bell’s crack has been there since February of 1846, but don’t believe them because it’s obviously a lie. There’s no way the city would leave such an important national treasure in total disrepair for this long. Do you think New York City would leave the Statue of Liberty up if its beautiful copper-brown exterior turned green in the rain? Absolutely not. Philly needs to get its act together. Just the other day I saw a tattered American flag that only had 13 stars on it. The last time I checked, the flag had 48! We have an image to hold up as a country.

You know what, I just had a totally unique idea. What if instead of fixing it, we leave the crack as it is and embrace it as a symbol for American resilience. But on the other hand it kinda looks like dog shit. 

Sign today and make your voices heard! We already have 1 signature.

Russ Bizaro

The post Sign This Petition To Help The City Get Its Bell Fixed appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– According to multiple sources, the Philadelphia Eagles’ 2018 Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots is now an event that occured an even longer time ago than previously reported. Sources say that due to the continuing passage of time, this big game will continue to slide down the mountain of the past as we ourselves get older. “2018 is already four years ago,” one source familiar with how time works said. “Before we know it, it’ll be 2028. That would be a full decade since the Philly Special. That February night will be but a distant memory.” At the time of publishing, multiple Philadelphians were pulling together their money to fund research on halting time itself to make themselves a little less sad.

Ryan O'Connell

The post Uh-Oh: Eagles’ Super Bowl Win Now Even Further In The Past appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Look what the cat dragged in. I’m surprised you’d show your sorry ass around here after what you did. I’ll have you know that while you were off doing God-knows-what, I’ve been standing on this trolley station for 26 months straight. Do you think I have time to be standing day and night in the middle of the road for over two years? I have a family that relies on me, kids that have to be taken care of. I can’t afford to be gone this long. And it’s all because of you. I’m already in hot water at work for being late a couple times. Do you want to be the one that explains to my boss why I’m 109 weeks late to my shift? If they try to fire me I’m gonna be so upset with you, it’s not even funny. 

And yeah, I probably could have hopped on one of the replacement buses, but I don’t wanna be on something that’s not connected to a track. What if they make a turn? Did you ever stop for one second to think about that? Oh, that’s right, you only think about yourself. 

Listen, I’m sorry to come down on you so hard. I only do it because I care. You’ve got so much going for yourself and I hate watching you throw it all away by being out of service all the time. Think about the smile you put on peoples’ faces when they see your cool, retro vibe. Think about how many likes I get on Instagram when I post pictures of you. Think about how much you help people that have a deep fear of riding vehicles with the ability to make turns. You’re loved so much more than you know. 

Now what do you say we put this all behind us and just enjoy this ride to my work? It’s just three blocks up here.

Russ Bizaro

The post Well Well Well, Look Who Decided To Show Up: Girard Trolleys Are Back In Service appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Russ Bizaro

The post That Should Do The Trick: Pothole Filled With Just Loose Sand appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– “This entire city is an amazing fan base for my all-time favorite band, The Eagles,” explained out-of-towner Jason Rath, after visiting Philadelphia for the first time. 

“I was at a bar and suddenly this perfectly coordinated chant about the band broke out. Finally, an entire city that shares my appreciation for the songwriting mastery of Don Henley and Glenn Frey,” explained Rath, who said he’s been trying to start chants about the band The Eagles for years in his hometown Dallas but never received much interest. 

Rath was also shocked to see so much new band memorabilia across the city. “People have bumper stickers and flags for the band on their front doors. Rock on! I must’ve missed that tour,” said Rath, pointing to a shirt that said ‘Eagles Champions 2018.’

“Strangely, the city tends to praise the band only on Sundays, probably because listening to their music makes them feel closer to God like it does for me.”

Reflecting on the chant’s lyrics, Rath stated, “The best part is when they chant about the band’s incredible singing skills with ‘Hit ‘em low notes, hit ‘em high notes.’”

“They must’ve been tired of chanting by the end of the night because no one joined in on my Hotel California chant– ‘H-O-T-E-L C-A-L-I-F-O-R-N-I-A Hotel California!’”

Russ Bizaro

The post “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” Shouts Man Thinking Everyone’s Chanting About The Band appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

ARDMORE, PA– Confounded by the discovery that he descends from what he describes as “Austrian peasant losers,” Robert Wagner, a resident of Ardmore, PA, spoke to reporters on Friday about the experience of realizing his origins. “When I started researching my family’s lineage, I thought I’d find out something cool, like that I was technically the Duke of York, but I’d been misplaced at birth or something like that,” said Wagner. “And then when I’d walk into the bar, the guys would all see me and be like, ‘Yo, Duke!’ ” Wagner’s lofty hopes, however, were shattered when he found out that he descends not from the English nobility but from the Austrian peasantry. “I can just picture my ancestors, like, milking cows while singing eerie folk tunes. I don’t understand how losers like that can be my relatives because I’m not like that at all. I make bank and listen to Drake, and I’ve never even seen a cow.” Wagner was most incredulous upon discovering that his ancestor Yanko Wagner had written in a letter that he’d been excited about the prospect of making three dollars a day working in America. “Excited about three dollars a day? Is that a joke? I make way more than that! What a loser!” At press time, Wagner was researching his Welsh ancestors on his mother’s side, but he’d unfortunately already discovered that they were “a bunch of wool merchant nobodies.”

Matthew Casey

The post Ardmore Resident Disappointed To Discover That His Ancestors Were Austrian Peasant Losers appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Franklin is once again feeling the pressure of working in a city alongside two of the most iconic mascots in professional sports. “He threatened to light himself on fire in a Chickie’s and Pete’s bathroom when Gritty debuted back in September of 2018. Luckily his fur is flame retardant and several patrons pinned him to the ground and sang him Aerosmith songs until he felt better,” said Franklin’s mother and owner Mary Rexall. This time around, Franklin seems very upset that Ben Simmons is going to be traded and DM’ed the Phanatic some really dark shit. “Franklin and Ben had this tradition they would do every Tuesday morning: they would each get a Santucci’s original pizza and dump a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish cat food on it,” detailed Rexall. Rexall is asking fans to send Franklin videos of themselves eating this special treat to help him get through this tough time. Also, if Franklin’s favorite singer Steven Tyler is reading this, it might be cool if you sent The Satirer some $$$ so we can produce a few high-quality pizza videos to cheer Franklin up.

Damien Wendy

The post How Can We Help? The 76ers Mascot Franklin Is Talking About Hurting Himself Again appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – Over a week ago, Philadelphia Police responded to the I-676 expressway, between the 20th and 10th Street bridges, in order to render assistance to the absolutely drenched asphalt that is normally filled with stressed motorists crossing three lanes of traffic to make their exit.

To reopen this essential artery way, two teams from the Philadelphia Police SWAT Unit arrived. While SWAT officers were present, poop particles began assaulting the officers’ olfactory systems from the safety of the large crowd of water molecules.

The SWAT officers gave numerous orders for the water to return home to the slightly less poopy borders of the Schuylkill River. After the water stayed stagnant, SWAT Teams deployed tear gas onto I-676, marking the second time in little over a year police have fired these munitions onto this same stretch of interstate.

“We have repeatedly assured our great communities that we will protect, preserve, and uphold every water molecule’s constitutional right to assemble. However, we can not tolerate the clogging of a throughway or acts of smell violence by floating doodies hiding in the safety of other fluids,” stated Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw, adding, “Today’s deployment of tear gas was a means to safely diffuse a volatile and dangerous situation, and restore order, when it became increasingly clear that other measures were ineffective in accomplishing that necessary objective.”

Continued Outlaw, “Also, our officers just really enjoy using all their toys even if the flood waters barely noticed the impact.”

Despite the persistence of the water on the interstate, a second SWAT Team was dispatched to the Schuylkill River to force the flood waters back to their appropriate boundaries. At press time, several ambulances had been dispatched after multiple officers fired their tasers into water.

Mark Manning

The post Philly Police Fire Teargas At Flood On I-676 To Clear Out Water appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– A new study conducted by the popular dating site Bumble has reported that Philly accents ranked 74 out of a total 75 local US accents. “There are so many accents that made a sexier impression on people than the Philly accent, like a sweet Texas twang which came in 5th or a rough and tumble New Yorker accent which was another top contender coming in 15th,” says Dr. Jessica Tweeberly, a behavioral scientist at Bumble who helped conduct the study. “We were surprised to see how low Philly ranked on the list because we thought people would be charmed by a ‘strong A’ and truly titillated with how they pronounce ‘wooder’ ice. The only place that came in lower was South Jersey for how annoyingly they pronounced Coke.” At press time, sad Philly natives were speaking out via social media with empowering posts like “my pronunciation of “A” turns on my married boyfriend” and “Men will pay me to say wooder ice at them! That’s how fricking erotic my Philly accent is!”

Catherine Weingarten

The post Report: Philly Accent Rated 74th Sexiest Accent In The U.S. appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.