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Oops…it looks like we lost connection.  We don’t really eat cereal that much, but it seems like naming five different kinds is the only way this bully is going to stop twisting your nipples, so here’s our best guesses.

• Fruit Holes
• Cap’n Corn
• Cocoa Chunks
• Raisin Bran
• Honey Bunches of Count Frankenberry 

Good luck with your bully, we hope this helps.  And maybe try reconnecting your router?

Zachary Decker

The post Quick! Favorite This Link For The Next Time You Need To Name Five Cereals To Stop A Bully From Giving You A Purple Nurple appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

So, your Nonno just died and you can’t wrap your head around why your younger brother got the Summer house in Cape May and all you got in the will was a moldy tomato?  Well, what if you found out that moldy tomato isn’t just any tomato, but an heirloom tomato that has been in your family for six generations?  The mold makes sense now, huh?

Well, your great-great-great grandmother, Nonna Celeste, grew that tomato in her garden in Sicily to give to your great-great-great grandfather, Nonno Angelo, before he got on the boat headed for South Philly, one-hundred years ago.

The story goes that Nonno Angelo held onto that tomato to serve as motivation for him to work hard and make enough money to get great-great-great Nonna Celeste to America faster so he could eat her famous gravy sooner.

I think it’s a sweet story, but your Uncle Vinny says it’s a dirty joke.

That tomato has been passed down to the oldest son in the family ever since to serve as a reminder that hard work pays off when you’re doing it for the ones you love, and now you’re holding it, so be grateful ya goomba!

Yeah, it’s almost completely mold now, but truth be told, it was moldy like eight days in and no one ever complained.  Just put it in a Ziploc bag and stick it in the freezer, that’s all your Nonno ever did with it. Also, if it makes you feel any better, the Cape May house is pretty moldy too, so you kind of dodged a bullet.

Zachary Decker

The post Heirloom Tomato Getting Pretty Moldy After Being Passed Down From Generation to Generation appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

1. Stinky Tofurkey 

It’s always the worst person at the table sending special requests to the kitchen, and this time it’s your aunt’s new mid-life crisis vegan boyfriend.

2. Rotten Deviled Eggs

God be the glory! These adorable little eggs reek of the devil’s drip — one bite will have you running towards confession (and the bathroom) with your 13-year-old cousin who just found out what porn is.

3. Grandma’s 1950s Jello Salad

Famous during the Great Depression for making everyone greatly depressed. This year’s version features a stapler inside the gelatin mold, all thanks to granny’s recent dementia diagnosis and her newfound obsession with The Office.

4. Canned Cranberry Sauce

Are you kidding me?!?!?! This made it to the list?? It’s literally not even a recipe, it’s just mush in a jar. Either way, you can be sure your broke uncle will walk through the door with this shit. 

5. Creamed Spinach

Ok, ok, ok, creamed spinach is normally pretty good, but this side dish was made specially by your woke mom who just joined the Goop community — who knows what kind of cream is in that spinach.

Isabella Quiros

The post 5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Say “I Hope You Lost Your Sense Of Smell And Taste To COVID-19 Before Sitting Down At This Table” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

The post Soap For Sensitive Skin Still Tastes Like Regular Soap appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Customers were in for a shock at the newest hip pizza spot, “Crust,” when they went to pour oregano on their pizza. One customer, Bill Grips, claims that after he put the oregano on his pizza he was able to feel each individual nose hair in the wind. A second customer, Dyshawn Washington, stated, “I was hungry like a motherfucker after I ate the oregano.” Another customer, Cindy Travis, wouldn’t stop laughing when we tried to interview her. 

Crust’s ex-head chef, who would like to remain anonymous, is surprised and angry that the bag of oregano that he bought from a high schooler is not oregano at all but in fact “cheap weed.” On the subject, Crust’s ex-head chef explained, “I was told this kid had the best oregano in the city, that Zahav gets their oregano from them because the warmth of a back pocket adds an extra je ne sais quoi.”

Father Judge High School student Tanner “T.P.” Polinski claims he is the one who sold the Crust chef the baggie of weed. T.P. stated, “Shit, that was a jawn of weed? I must’ve mixed it up with the jawn of ‘regano I sell freshmen. Man, I wish I was at that pizza place. You’re not a cop, right?” 

The Satirer advises anyone who goes into the pizza shop to take a whiff of the oregano before you put it on your pizza, unless you want to get high on your lunch break.

Brianna Benozich

The post Chef Who Bought Baggie Of Oregano From High Schooler Surprised It’s Weed appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

DAYTON, OH– Prime Rib is an American delicacy, but not when you’re shitting your pants.

In a new promotion, Amazon sold discounted Prime Rib on their website. Local health officials announced as of Tuesday there were 2,853 recorded cases of E. Coli in the region. The FDA’s investigation found that the Prime Rib was left in a sweltering warehouse in Arizona for two weeks in preparation for Amazon Prime Rib Day, before this batch made its way on a truck to the Ohio Valley. FDA officials recommend that you do not eat steak that’s being sold for $2.99/lb.

Jeff Bezos released a statement this afternoon saying, “We promise our products are of the utmost quality. Every member of our Amazon Warehouse Team ate that Prime Rib and only 15% of workers reported feeling ill, fever, or vomiting, far below the regulatory 15.5% threshold. You can trust our meat.” 

Shockingly this has not affected Amazon’s surging stock price, as the market rewarded these brave shareholders for poisoning America. In a survey, the Amazon Prime customers who got sick reported they were satisfied with such a great deal on beef.

Matt Roskin

The post Thousands Sick From E. Coli Outbreak After Amazon Prime Rib Day appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post Alternate Names For Bananas appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN ANTONIO, TX– More than a month after bringing deadly winter weather to Texas, winter storm Belrem still regrets not trying the brisket while there. “It was just poor planning on my part. Usually when I get a route assigned, I try to figure out what type of food I want to try along the way. I totally dropped the ball this time. I pigged out on queso and chips, didn’t leave any room for BBQ,” said Belrem. With winter weather on hiatus, Belrem has had plenty of time to think about his mistake. “I’ve spent countless hours looking at the menus for Bill Miller and Rudy’s, I’ve read the Yelp reviews. I think if I ever make it back to Texas, I’m definitely going to eat at Rudy’s.” When reached for comment, Rudy’s warned, “If he ever shows his face around here again, we’ve got some real special brisket lined up just for him– marinated in rat poison and smoked with burning car tires.” 

Damien Wendy

The post Deadly Winter Storm Regrets Not Trying Brisket While In Texas appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

I first encountered Irish Potatoes when my grandmamma brought me a mysterious box of treats on St. Patrick’s Day. I thought this time she’s clearly lost it, she should be put in a home, this lady brought a child a box of raw potatoes. But I humored her and took a bite, and to my surprise, it was not a potato at all but a cinnamon-covered coconut-ty monstrosity. Grandmamma was sent away not long after but I still wondered where these sugary turds came from and went deep into the archives.

During the Great Potato Famine of 1845, the resourceful people of Ireland had to come up with a new food that looked like potatoes, as that was the only thing their children would eat. Running low on root vegetables, they looked toward the trees—coconut trees, that is. Using their ingenuity, they figured they could mix the meat of the coconut with cream cheese, roll it around in cinnamon, and pawn it off to their kids as the real thing so that they wouldn’t starve. The dummies fell for it and survived long enough to get out of there.

Soon after, the first batch of Irish immigrants would arrive in Philly, bringing along their substitute potatoes in case they weren’t available here either. Unfortunately, they found America to be bountiful in actual potatoes and had to leave the tropical flavors of Ireland behind.

Then in the 1960’s, father of three, Ryan O’Brien found a long-lost family recipe and decided to prank his spiteful kids into thinking they were eating potatoes. However, his plan backfired when his kids welcomed the betrayal, saying they knew it would happen sooner or later. Out of this deception, a company was born, producing what’s now known as Irish Potatoes and the destruction of children’s trust everywhere in the Greater Philadelphia area.

As my grandmamma rots away in the best assisted living facility she deserves, I can’t help but thank her for introducing me to the first of many disappointing meals on which I have built my career. Irish Potatoes can be found and immediately disposed of in Wegmans or anywhere foods that look like other foods are sold.

Irem Boz

The post An Oral History Of Irish Potatoes By Tummy Grumbles appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

PHILADELPHIA– Calling their innovation “a breakthrough in modern snacking,” food scientists from Nabisco announced Monday that they are working with the manufacturers of Gushers on more realistic animal crackers. “We know what children want, and it’s authenticity,” explained Nabisco CEO Phillip Dramaton, who went on to say that children will finally be able to experience that happy feeling you get from decapitating a tiny giraffe in one bite. “This amazing snack has everything. That perfect animal shape, a delicious beige cracker taste, and a realistic explosion of animal innards in your mouth.” When asked what the new insides are made from, Dramaton replied, “The same as Gushers, real animal bits.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Animal Crackers Working With Gushers To Develop More Realistic Snack appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.