PHILADELPHIA– A new auditor’s report conducted at Big Fat Large Company reveals that employees working within the Human Resources department do absolutely nothing during working hours, reaching just about everyone’s expectations for what they are capable of. 

“The report was ordered after hearing multiple serious allegations that members of our HR team have not actually been working during work hours–or any hours for that matter,” the CEO shared in a pre-recorded Zoom meeting that was later leaked on TikTok. “Even worse, when I arrived at the department to discuss the matter, I was shocked to find that googly-eyed cardboard cutouts had replaced their cold-blooded bodies at each of their cubicles,” he further shared with the rest of the unsurprised company. 

The report has been sent to Big Fat Large Company’s parent company, Super Big Fat Large Inc., for further investigation however it is unlikely anything will change because, well, who wants to get HR involved in anything anyways? When pressed for comment by the Satirer, Big Fat Large Company disclosed that the auditor’s report was originally issued by its own HR department.

Isabella Quiros

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BALTIMORE, MD— Have you ever noticed that cats are often the most punctual animals when it comes to feeding time? Well, a new study from Johns Hopkins University reveals that cats know exactly when it’s owner is late for a mealtime, thanks in part to the presence of teenie-tiny, little watches located inside their empty tummies. 

The study all started by chance, according to Dr. Purrzalot, the head felinologist on the report. “I started to hear a peculiar tick-tock noise coming from the lab cat’s big belly a few minutes past lunch time. I picked him up like the little baby he is and put him directly under the microscope. Sure enough, after I zoomed in 378 times, there it was — an actual ticking clock inside his itty bitty teeny wittle tiny tummy telling him that it was time for me to serve him food.” 

Researchers from the study are suggesting that all cat owners take heed when feeding their feline friends from now on. It is vital that they are fed on time, because if they are fed even a moment past their feeding time they could very well become slightly annoyed. Dr. Purrzalot further recommends just getting a dog instead. 

Isabella Quiros

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1. Stinky Tofurkey 

It’s always the worst person at the table sending special requests to the kitchen, and this time it’s your aunt’s new mid-life crisis vegan boyfriend.

2. Rotten Deviled Eggs

God be the glory! These adorable little eggs reek of the devil’s drip — one bite will have you running towards confession (and the bathroom) with your 13-year-old cousin who just found out what porn is.

3. Grandma’s 1950s Jello Salad

Famous during the Great Depression for making everyone greatly depressed. This year’s version features a stapler inside the gelatin mold, all thanks to granny’s recent dementia diagnosis and her newfound obsession with The Office.

4. Canned Cranberry Sauce

Are you kidding me?!?!?! This made it to the list?? It’s literally not even a recipe, it’s just mush in a jar. Either way, you can be sure your broke uncle will walk through the door with this shit. 

5. Creamed Spinach

Ok, ok, ok, creamed spinach is normally pretty good, but this side dish was made specially by your woke mom who just joined the Goop community — who knows what kind of cream is in that spinach.

Isabella Quiros

The post 5 Thanksgiving Side Dishes That Say “I Hope You Lost Your Sense Of Smell And Taste To COVID-19 Before Sitting Down At This Table” appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

LOS ANGELES — Complaining about the end of her summer vacations despite having taken vacations every summer, fall, winter, and spring, a well-known celebrity wife made headlines last Tuesday for her Tweets on the matter. “I just can’t believe summer is over, right when I was starting to feel relaxed after my 3-month summer vacation,” she wrote via Twitter for iPhone, adding that “it’s so hard to find me time” while on the road with her husband during his global music tour, which begins in Philadelphia and hits every major city in the world worth visiting. “I get bummed when school starts because I feel stuck in LA with my kids, but thankfully we can afford multiple nannies to raise them while Mommy is busy working. It takes a village!” When asked for comment on her latest Tweet, the celeb’s team told The Satirer: “Like most, the entire family is truly sad about the end of Hot Vax Summer, but they’re looking forward to unwinding during their next 10 vacations which have been spread out to occur throughout the rest of 2021. 

Isabella Quiros

The post ‘I Just Can’t Believe Summer Is Over,’ Posts Celebrity Who Also Vacations In Fall, Winter, and Spring appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.