Eric O'Callaghan, Author at The Philadelphia Satirer Committed to dispensable journalism Wed, 09 Dec 2020 23:50:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.2.2 https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cropped-PS_logo_512_trans-32x32.png Eric O'Callaghan, Author at The Philadelphia Satirer 32 32 Jeff Bezos Begins Traveling Exclusively By Crowd-Surfing https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/2020/04/09/jeff-bezos-begins-using-his-employees-to-travel-exclusively-by-crowd-surfing/ Fri, 10 Apr 2020 02:45:00 +0000 https://philadelphiasatirer.com/?p=4 SEATTLE — Amazon founder, CEO, president, and notable rich motherfucker Jeff Bezos has not touched the ground since testing his latest innovation of traveling exclusively…

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]]> SEATTLE — Amazon founder, CEO, president, and notable rich motherfucker Jeff Bezos has not touched the ground since testing his latest innovation of traveling exclusively by crowd-surfing atop his employees. The test began last weekend as he dove from the nose cone of one of his upright Blue Origin rockets onto a crowd of waiting warehouse workers who were allowed a rare 30-minute break. So far, Jeff has traveled over 20 miles around the Seattle metropolitan area and even hand-delivered a few packages for the first time since he founded the company twenty-five years ago. After off-the-record complaining about how awkward an experience meeting some of his customers was, Jeff was quoted as saying,

“I don’t know why I didn’t try crowd-surfing everywhere years ago. Not using my legs is great. I’m never standing on my own again.”

An exploratory partnership was also started with Mattress Firm – Jeff has been sleeping on a specialized mattress that is held up in the air by rotating shifts of his part-time employees each night. Elon Musk also confirmed that he is working on the design of a specialized Tesla that allows for entry and exit via the roof of the vehicle, at Jeff’s request.

There have been scattered reports of sprained fingers and even one broken wrist, but none of the injured employees could be reached for comment as most had been fired and had their Prime account status immediately terminated. Other employees admitted, under condition of anonymity, that they were absolutely terrified at the thought of dropping their boss for fear of being fired or the possibility of never seeing their family again. One warehouse worker was quoted as saying,

“I’m used to picking products in the warehouse for six hours straight without ever stopping to sit or even take a piss.”

The exhausted man added,

“It’s great that I get to help Jeff out more closely now by occasionally opening doors for him as he crowd-surfs across the world. Maybe one day I’ll actually get to touch him as he floats above me!”

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]]> Philadelphia 76ers NBA Off-Season Rumors https://thephiladelphiasatirer.com/2020/04/09/philadelphia-76ers-nba-off-season-rumors/ Fri, 10 Apr 2020 02:30:00 +0000 https://philadelphiasatirer.com/?p=7 PHILADELPHIA — The following rumors have been heard regarding the Philadelphia 76ers during the prolonged National Basketball Association (NBA) offseason: Acquiring 56-year-old former Chicago Bulls star…

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]]> PHILADELPHIA — The following rumors have been heard regarding the Philadelphia 76ers during the prolonged National Basketball Association (NBA) offseason:

  • Acquiring 56-year-old former Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan with a five-year contract at $1.00 USD per year
    • Only contract restriction, by his request, will be that he is required to play in his Major League Baseball (MLB) Birmingham Barons uniform
  • Talks are taking place regarding three major trades, and one minor trade:
    • The Liberty Bell for 34-year-old power forward Lebron James
    • The Rocky statue for 28-year-old forward Kawhi Leonard
    • The “LOVE” sculpture for 31-year-old guard Stephen Curry
    • A chicken cheesesteak with lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, and pickles for 29-year-old Klay Thompson, at the request of Stephen Curry
  • Head coach Brett Brown will be replaced by 44-year-old former Philadelphia 76er star guard Allen Iverson who plans to discontinue practice
  • The team is to be renamed from the “Philadelphia 76ers” to the “Delaware 69ers” as it is relocated to avoid the City of Philadelphia Wage Tax.
    • Future home games will no longer take place at the Wells Fargo Center. Subsequently, the “Wells Fargo Center” will be renamed “Gritty’s Lair” as the Philadelphia Flyers will be the sole organization using the venue

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