{"id":965,"date":"2021-03-17T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-03-17T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/philadelphiasatirer.com\/?p=965"},"modified":"2021-04-12T01:18:16","modified_gmt":"2021-04-12T05:18:16","slug":"an-oral-history-of-irish-potatoes-by-tummy-grumbles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/03\/17\/an-oral-history-of-irish-potatoes-by-tummy-grumbles\/","title":{"rendered":"An Oral History Of Irish Potatoes By Tummy Grumbles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

I first encountered Irish Potatoes when my grandmamma brought me a mysterious box of treats on St. Patrick\u2019s Day. I thought this time she\u2019s clearly lost it, she should be put in a home, this lady brought a child a box of raw potatoes. But I humored her and took a bite, and to my surprise, it was not a potato at all but a cinnamon-covered coconut-ty monstrosity. Grandmamma was sent away not long after but I still wondered where these sugary turds came from and went deep into the archives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the Great Potato Famine of 1845, the resourceful people of Ireland had to come up with a new food that looked like potatoes, as that was the only thing their children would eat. Running low on root vegetables, they looked toward the trees\u2014coconut trees, that is. Using their ingenuity, they figured they could mix the meat of the coconut with cream cheese, roll it around in cinnamon, and pawn it off to their kids as the real thing so that they wouldn\u2019t starve. The dummies fell for it and survived long enough to get out of there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Soon after, the first batch of Irish immigrants would arrive in Philly, bringing along their substitute potatoes in case they weren\u2019t available here either. Unfortunately, they found America to be bountiful in actual potatoes and had to leave the tropical flavors of Ireland behind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then in the 1960\u2019s, father of three, Ryan O\u2019Brien found a long-lost family recipe and decided to prank his spiteful kids into thinking they were eating potatoes. However, his plan backfired when his kids welcomed the betrayal, saying they knew it would happen sooner or later. Out of this deception, a company was born, producing what\u2019s now known as Irish Potatoes and the destruction of children\u2019s trust everywhere in the Greater Philadelphia area.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As my grandmamma rots away in the best assisted living facility she deserves, I can\u2019t help but thank her for introducing me to the first of many disappointing meals on which I have built my career. Irish Potatoes can be found and immediately disposed of in Wegmans or anywhere foods that look like other foods are sold.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I first encountered Irish Potatoes when my grandmamma brought me a mysterious box of treats on St. Patrick\u2019s Day. 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