{"id":448,"date":"2020-10-20T14:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-10-20T18:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/philadelphiasatirer.com\/?p=448"},"modified":"2020-10-19T11:47:33","modified_gmt":"2020-10-19T15:47:33","slug":"spider-you-sucked-up-with-vacuum-wants-you-to-know-if-he-escapes-you-are-dead","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2020\/10\/20\/spider-you-sucked-up-with-vacuum-wants-you-to-know-if-he-escapes-you-are-dead\/","title":{"rendered":"Spider You Sucked Up With Vacuum Wants You To Know If He Escapes You Are Dead!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" width=\"1024\" height=\"531\" src=\"https:\/\/philadelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/bigjeffrey.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-450\" srcset=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/bigjeffrey.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/bigjeffrey-300x156.jpg 300w, https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/bigjeffrey-768x398.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><figcaption>Photoshop by Mike Paulshock<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>PHILADELPHIA- A spider who was sucked into a vacuum two months ago, is now plotting his captor\u2019s death. Big Jeffery, as he\u2019s known in the joint, was a young wolf spider with a bright future until it was stolen from him. \u201cThis dude didn\u2019t mind me when I was hanging out in the corner behind the toilet. One day, though, I wanted to see what his foot felt like so I touched it and he screamed. He came back with the vacuum and I\u2019ve been locked up since. When I get out of here this guy is DEAD.\u201d Big Jeffery has survived and grown to an impressive size because this particular homeowner has a tendency to solve all insect-related problems by sucking them up, unintentionally creating a steady food supply for Jeffery. \u201cThis guy thought he got rid of me forever when he put me in here, but I\u2019m the living breathing heart of this vacuum now. I spend everyday training and I\u2019ve been bench-pressing a nickel that showed up one day to make my legs stronger.\u201d Big Jeffery wouldn\u2019t say how he intended to kill his mortal enemy, but he did say that he planned to escape while the dust collector was being emptied. The homeowner nervously declined comment on the situation but was later seen throwing the vacuum out of a second-story window.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>PHILADELPHIA- A spider who was sucked into a vacuum two months ago, is now plotting his captor\u2019s death. Big Jeffery, as he\u2019s known in the&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":450,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[28],"tags":[123,121,122],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.12 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Spider You Sucked Up With Vacuum Wants You To Know If He Escapes You Are Dead! - The Philadelphia Satirer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2020\/10\/20\/spider-you-sucked-up-with-vacuum-wants-you-to-know-if-he-escapes-you-are-dead\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Spider You Sucked Up With Vacuum Wants You To Know If He Escapes You Are Dead! - The Philadelphia Satirer\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"PHILADELPHIA- A spider who was sucked into a vacuum two months ago, is now plotting his captor\u2019s death. 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