{"id":169,"date":"2020-05-19T14:09:05","date_gmt":"2020-05-19T18:09:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/philadelphiasatirer.com\/?p=169"},"modified":"2021-04-12T01:11:39","modified_gmt":"2021-04-12T05:11:39","slug":"report-finds-youd-probably-be-alone-tonight-anyway","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2020\/05\/19\/report-finds-youd-probably-be-alone-tonight-anyway\/","title":{"rendered":"Report Finds You\u2019d Probably Be Alone Tonight Anyway"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>KING OF PRUSSIA, PA &#8211; Gathering data from several models, scientists announced Monday that regardless of the nationwide shutdown, you\u2019d probably be alone tonight anyway. \u201cAfter running thousands of simulations of your actions on a typical Friday night, we can say with 95% confidence that 63% of simulations show you end up playing Minecraft alone,\u201d the case study reads. Later, the report clarifies that the remaining 27% of simulations show you watching YouTube videos of other people playing Minecraft. \u201cAdditionally, 41% of simulations show you attempting to text your ex but then deleting the drafted message after 15 minutes of staring at it.&#8221; <br><br>At press time, scientists confirmed they will be submitting their research to the scientific journal, <em>You Being a Little Bitch<\/em>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>KING OF PRUSSIA, PA &#8211; Gathering data from several models, scientists announced Monday that regardless of the nationwide shutdown, you\u2019d probably be alone tonight anyway.&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":170,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[9,22],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.12 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Report Finds You\u2019d Probably Be Alone Tonight Anyway - 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