{"id":1363,"date":"2021-12-21T13:19:49","date_gmt":"2021-12-21T18:19:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/?p=1363"},"modified":"2021-12-21T13:19:54","modified_gmt":"2021-12-21T18:19:54","slug":"how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor\u2019s Light Train"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"aligncenter size-full\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" width=\"600\" height=\"399\" src=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/How-To-Plan.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-1368\" srcset=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/How-To-Plan.jpeg 600w, https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/How-To-Plan-300x200.jpeg 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p style=\"font-size:18px\">Let\u2019s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven\u2019t lived there in 6 years. Your racist uncle makes some comments about how the supermarket is too liberal nowadays. You need an out. By following these simple steps you can summon the dark power of the Coor\u2019s Light Train to make your grand escape.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p style=\"font-size:18px\">Step 1 &#8211; 72 hours in advance you need to begin ceremonial chants to summon the dark elf Trakas Quelathra, who will appear to you in a dream on the eve of the Christmas party. These chants must happen on the hour, every hour leading up to the event. To find the cursed scrolls that bear the writings you must search the cave of terrors deep in the Rocky Mountains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p style=\"font-size:18px\">Step 2 &#8211; Alas! It\u2019s time to distract your family. Using a series of well-placed, and well-timed whoopie cushions under your great aunt\u2019s chairs, you can successfully divert the party\u2019s attention to the hilarious comedy ensuing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p style=\"font-size:18px\">Step 3 &#8211; Now that the plan is in place, there is only one more thing you\u2019ll do. Summon the Coor\u2019s Light Train. To do this, you\u2019ll need every uncle in your party to be holding a cold refreshing Coor\u2019s light can. Then simply prompt one uncle to say, \u201cWow, this beer sure is as cold as the Rocky\u2019s.\u201d Then, and only then will you hear the faint sound of <em>Love Train<\/em> filling the air.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p style=\"font-size:18px\">Step 4 &#8211; <em>Click-ity Clack, Click-ity Clack.<\/em> She\u2019s approaching. A chill runs up your spine as you can see your breath, faintly\u2026 The mighty, majestic Coor\u2019s Light Train is here. As silver as a new stainless steel refrigerator. As cold as the winters of the Rocky Mountains. <em>SCREECH. <\/em>The train pulls into the family room, destroying the house. Bricks and glass fly everywhere. Your sisters, brothers, and cousins all wince at the bright shining light of the Coor\u2019s Light Train. Your poor grandmother shivers as snow begins to fall. How did the snow get into the living room? There\u2019s no time for questions.\u00a0 \u201cALL ABOARD,\u201d shouts the conductor. You step on. You clear the closing doors as it whisks you away. Go find your seat amongst the other evil sons and daughters who have fled their christmas parties. Your grand escape, complete, but your nightmare, just begun.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Let\u2019s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven\u2019t lived&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":1368,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[136],"tags":[194,422,204,421,423],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.12 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor\u2019s Light Train - The Philadelphia Satirer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor\u2019s Light Train - The Philadelphia Satirer\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Let\u2019s be real, no one enjoys their family Christmas party. Your mom is nagging you to clean up your room, even though you haven\u2019t lived&#8230;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Philadelphia Satirer\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/philadelphiasatirer\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-12-21T18:19:49+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-12-21T18:19:54+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/12\/How-To-Plan.jpeg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"600\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"399\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Matt Roskin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@philasatirer\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@philasatirer\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Matt Roskin\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/#\/schema\/person\/75b9bdded836595ae0bf5daeb8781da4\"},\"headline\":\"How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor\u2019s Light Train\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-12-21T18:19:49+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-12-21T18:19:54+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/\"},\"wordCount\":430,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/#organization\"},\"keywords\":[\"Christmas\",\"Coors\",\"Family\",\"Party\",\"Train\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Seasonal\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/12\/21\/how-to-plan-your-grand-escape-at-the-family-christmas-party-this-year-by-summoning-the-dark-power-of-the-coors-light-train\/\",\"name\":\"How To Plan Your Grand Escape At The Family Christmas Party This Year By Summoning The Dark Power Of The Coor\u2019s Light Train - 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