{"id":1328,"date":"2021-11-05T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2021-11-05T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/?p=1328"},"modified":"2021-11-02T20:12:21","modified_gmt":"2021-11-03T00:12:21","slug":"ardmore-resident-disappointed-to-discover-that-his-ancestors-were-austrian-peasant-losers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/11\/05\/ardmore-resident-disappointed-to-discover-that-his-ancestors-were-austrian-peasant-losers\/","title":{"rendered":"Ardmore Resident Disappointed To Discover That His Ancestors Were Austrian Peasant Losers"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Photo by\u00a0Ethan Sykes<\/a>\u00a0on\u00a0Unsplash<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

ARDMORE, PA\u2013 Confounded by the discovery that he descends from what he describes as \u201cAustrian peasant losers,\u201d Robert Wagner, a resident of Ardmore, PA, spoke to reporters on Friday about the experience of realizing his origins. \u201cWhen I started researching my family\u2019s lineage, I thought I\u2019d find out something cool, like that I was technically the Duke of York, but I\u2019d been misplaced at birth or something like that,\u201d said Wagner. \u201cAnd then when I\u2019d walk into the bar, the guys would all see me and be like, \u2018Yo, Duke!\u2019 \u201d Wagner\u2019s lofty hopes, however, were shattered when he found out that he descends not from the English nobility but from the Austrian peasantry. \u201cI can just picture my ancestors, like, milking cows while singing eerie folk tunes. I don\u2019t understand how losers like that can be my relatives because I\u2019m not like that at all. I make bank and listen to Drake, and I\u2019ve never even seen a cow.\u201d Wagner was most incredulous upon discovering that his ancestor Yanko Wagner had written in a letter that he\u2019d been excited about the prospect of making three dollars a day working in America. \u201cExcited about three dollars a day? Is that a joke? I make way more than that! What a loser!\u201d At press time, Wagner was researching his Welsh ancestors on his mother\u2019s side, but he\u2019d unfortunately already discovered that they were \u201ca bunch of wool merchant nobodies.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

ARDMORE, PA\u2013 Confounded by the discovery that he descends from what he describes as \u201cAustrian peasant losers,\u201d Robert Wagner, a resident of Ardmore, PA, spoke…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27,"featured_media":1331,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[94],"tags":[404,403,405,406],"yoast_head":"\nArdmore Resident Disappointed To Discover That His Ancestors Were Austrian Peasant Losers - The Philadelphia Satirer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/11\/05\/ardmore-resident-disappointed-to-discover-that-his-ancestors-were-austrian-peasant-losers\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ardmore Resident Disappointed To Discover That His Ancestors Were Austrian Peasant Losers - 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