{"id":1124,"date":"2021-06-04T18:34:11","date_gmt":"2021-06-04T22:34:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/philadelphiasatirer.com\/?p=1124"},"modified":"2021-06-04T18:34:16","modified_gmt":"2021-06-04T22:34:16","slug":"quiz-do-you-have-what-it-takes-to-eat-this-scrambled-egg-while-the-chicken-that-laid-it-makes-direct-unbroken-eye-contact-with-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/06\/04\/quiz-do-you-have-what-it-takes-to-eat-this-scrambled-egg-while-the-chicken-that-laid-it-makes-direct-unbroken-eye-contact-with-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Quiz: Do You Have What It Takes To Eat This Scrambled Egg While The Chicken That Laid It Makes Direct, Unbroken Eye Contact With You?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

You just sat down for a nutritious breakfast with a fluffy scrambled egg when this chicken walks into your kitchen, stares into your soul, and says, \u201cThat\u2019s my unborn child you\u2019re about to eat.\u201d Do you have what it takes to eat this scrambled egg while the chicken that laid it makes direct, unbroken eye contact with you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. \u201cPlease don\u2019t do this!\u201d the chicken cries. \u201cIf you eat that egg I\u2019ll be devastated! I deserve to bury my child!\u201d A single tear rolls down its cheek. Will you let the chicken bury its child?\u00a0
    • A) Yes of course, this chicken deserves the right to bury its unborn child that I\u2019ve scrambled with cheddar. I\u2019ll put the egg in a Ziploc bag and give it to the chicken.\u00a0<\/li>
    • B) Absolutely not! I worked for, saved for, and eventually scrambled this egg. This egg represents the American dream, and I\u2019ll be damned if I let some chicken get in the way of that!<\/li>
    • C) While I agree that the chicken deserves a burial for its child, I am also very hungry, so I will compromise and give the chicken the cracked shell of the egg that I have discarded in the trash.\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
      1. Oh shit. The chicken is angry now. It\u2019s threatening to run for mayor so it can rezone your neighborhood into a new \u201cArts and Crafts Zone\u201d, which will encourage retirees in hand-quilted vests to come to your area and park on your lawn. What will you do?
        • A) Oh man. I hate old people and love my lawn. I better give up this egg.\u00a0<\/li>
        • B) First I\u2019ll eat the egg, and then I\u2019ll run for mayor against the chicken. If elected, I will rezone the chicken\u2019s neighborhood into a fast food zone, and become a franchisee of Chick-Fil-A, which I will install in his backyard.\u00a0<\/li>
        • C) I\u2019ll eat the egg but also support the chicken in the election. If elected, I will help the chicken launch city-wide reform acts such as promoting veganism and installing crosswalks in chicken neighborhoods.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
          1. The chicken just said that if you eat its child it will have to make up the loss by seducing your spouse and inserting itself into your family life, slowly replacing you, and eventually creating long-lasting, formative memories with your children. Does this change things?
            • A) Of course! I love my family and I don\u2019t want them to be adopted by this chicken. I won\u2019t eat the egg.<\/li>
            • B) Not even a little bit. After that petting zoo incident I\u2019ve had a sneaking suspicion that my spouse is chicken-curious, so I\u2019ll be better off without them! Besides, not having a family will give me more time to work on my screenplay \u201cBigfoot and the Yeti: A Monstrous Romance.\u201d<\/li>
            • C) I understand that the chicken wants a family, but I am hungry so I\u2019m still going to eat this egg. However, I will compromise and set up a time sharing plan in which I get my children every other week plus Thursdays and birthdays, and the chicken gets them Christmas, Thanksgiving, and National Aviation Day (a chicken can dream).\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
              1. The chicken just said that it\u2019s not getting the COVID vaccine because it\u2019s \u201cNot a sheep.\u201d Does this change things?
                • A) No. I mean, it\u2019s weird for a chicken to be anti-vax but I guess I\u2019ll still give him this egg?<\/li>
                • B) Hell yeah it changes things! Now I\u2019m going to drive this egg to my local vaccination site, get that bad boy a Johnson & Johnson, and then drive back to my house and eat it even harder!<\/li>
                • C) I\u2019ll compromise by still eating the egg but also sharing the chicken\u2019s anti-vax memes on Facebook.\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
                  1. The chicken just JUULed in your living room and blew a big cloud of smoke everywhere so now your couch permanently smells like artificial mango. How does this affect your decision?
                    • A) I mean, kind of a dick move, but I\u2019ll still give him this egg I guess.\u00a0<\/li>
                    • B) Now I feel even more justified in eating this egg, since I know the chick would’ve grown up in a horrible environment.<\/li>
                    • C) I scold the chicken on the dangers of nicotine use, then I bargain with him, agreeing that if he hires a professional cleaning service to get the mango smell out of my apartment then I will give him the remains of his child.\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
                      1. Filled with grief, the chicken decides to abandon all worldly possessions and take up a form of ancient monasticism. The spirits of the universe embrace its poultry glory, and it floats into the air as an angelic choir exalts its holiness. Light shines down, highlighting its majestic feathers, and with the booming voice of a god, the chicken proclaims your guilt. \u201cThis breakfast is an abomination! All living things have a soul, except for cows and also bugs! You must rise above these worldly egg desires so that you may hatch into a higher plane of being!\u201d Then the chicken, in a flash of holy light, disintegrates into a pile of ash. From the ash rises a new chicken, but this time it\u2019s got an old-timey gangster accent, it\u2019s wearing a newsboy cap, and it\u2019s threatening you with a baseball bat. \u201cYou better give up that egg right now, see?\u201d it says. What will you do?\u00a0\u00a0
                        • A) Holy shit. Was that chicken just blessed by God? What the hell? It can take the egg. I don\u2019t want it anymore. I\u2019m going to go take a long bath and drink some Trader Joe\u2019s wine straight from the box.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li>
                        • B) I refuse to be threatened by the wrath of god and a gangster chicken. I challenge the chicken to a duel, but at 9 paces I turn around and fire a round straight into its back. Is it cheating? Who cares! This is my kitchen. My rules.\u00a0<\/li>
                        • C) I\u2019ll still eat the egg, but I\u2019ll also join the chicken\u2019s gang, that way I can rough up that neighbor down the street who told me that my Vocal Yoga was \u201cdistracting.”\u00a0<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

                          Results:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                          Mostly A\u2019s: You\u2019re definitely not eating this egg. You simply couldn\u2019t handle the pleading and threats. You\u2019d give it to the chicken in a Ziploc bag and a \u201csorry I almost ate the scrambled fetus of your child\u201d note. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

                          Mostly B\u2019s: You\u2019re totally eating this egg. And you\u2019ll like it too. You\u2019ll return the chicken\u2019s eye contact with even stronger eye contact, and when you\u2019re done with the egg, you\u2019ll slap the chicken, right across the face! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

                          Mostly C\u2019s: You\u2019d go to eat the egg, but it would be cold by now, so you\u2019d kinda think it\u2019s just not worth it at this point, and you would give it to the chicken.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                          You just sat down for a nutritious breakfast with a fluffy scrambled egg when this chicken walks into your kitchen, stares into your soul, and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":22,"featured_media":1125,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[332],"tags":[334,335,333],"yoast_head":"\nQuiz: Do You Have What It Takes To Eat This Scrambled Egg While The Chicken That Laid It Makes Direct, Unbroken Eye Contact With You? - The Philadelphia Satirer<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/thephiladelphiasatirer.com\/2021\/06\/04\/quiz-do-you-have-what-it-takes-to-eat-this-scrambled-egg-while-the-chicken-that-laid-it-makes-direct-unbroken-eye-contact-with-you\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Quiz: Do You Have What It Takes To Eat This Scrambled Egg While The Chicken That Laid It Makes Direct, Unbroken Eye Contact With You? 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