A new report finds that 59% of Millennial women want to move into leadership roles. But the news isn’t all good: of the survey respondents with these career ambitions, 90% menstruate. In fact, two-thirds of those who experience “that time of the month” do so practically every single month.

“I was responsible for one of our most successful advertising campaigns,” said Katie Aarons, a senior marketing associate at a creative agency. “Thanks to my efforts alone, revenue increased 20% in the last quarter compared with Q3 in 2020. But I also forgot to change my tampon for 13 hours once, and I spent approximately eight minutes and 13 seconds of company time deep-diving TSS symptoms.”

Lilly Smith agrees. “I’ve dreamed of founding my own startup for years, and I’ve been working on a really solid pitch deck,” she said. “At the same time, I eat, like, ten thousand bags of Smartfood a day when the flow is super heavy.” Smith added that she has tried to switch to Skinny Pop, but “it’s just not the same level of greasy.”

Concerns about women who are sometimes in heat moving into leadership roles are not concentrated to the employee level. Managers, too, worry about the implications of promoting employees who experience Code Red once a month.

“Take Carrie Shield,” said Richard Finn, CEO of a major software development firm. “She’s one of our brightest, most hardworking developers on staff. Recently, she came to me, asking to throw her hat in the ring for the new manager opening. Normally, someone like her would be a shoo-in. But you’ve got to look at the big picture. What if, say, we had an executive retreat at a beach, and the sharks got a whiff of her?”

“This is a twofold issue,” Finn elaborated. “First, Carrie used three out of 10 allotted sick days last year. Were they because of PMS? I don’t know. We’re not allowed to ask. But I can hazard a strong ‘maybe.’ Second, we recently invested in white chairs for our main boardroom, and I’d hate to see them ruined.”

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

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PHILADELPHIA– Brian Hodel stared at a woman in the grocery line without interruption for a whopping thirty-eight seconds yesterday. This would officially mark his longest-held relationship with a human woman, edging out his most recent affair with the lady he accidentally brushed hands with at the post office. 

Though bystanders later recounted that Brian’s girlfriend almost never returned eye contact, nor did she enter the store with him or seem to acknowledge his presence with more than a frown, Brian maintained that the relationship was equal parts real and “hot.” Brian assured reporters, “She would probably say there were breaks in the relationship and at times she was looking for something outside of what we had, but I was always committed to her no matter what.”

When asked for advice on how to make a relationship go the distance, Brian admitted that it wasn’t always easy, “At times there will be challenges, like the store employees asking you to step forward and stop holding up the line, but you can’t listen to anything other than your gut.” Although this romance had to come to an end, The Satirer learned that Brian had quickly moved on, later being spotted in the parking lot being physical with a security guard. 

Ryan Barkauskas

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TOLEDO, OH – The marquee panel discussion at this year’s Association of Romantic Novelists and Romance Enthusiasts Convention surprised attendees with the results of a decades-long clandestine research project about the best way to describe women’s nether regions. “We’re thrilled to have finally settled on a word to accurately represent one’s womanhood,” shared Ernest Hastings, who recently received criticism for using “clam bake” to describe a woman-woman sex scene in his latest novel Ocean of My Love. “For years, we’ve received feedback that phrases such as ‘pearly secrets,’ ‘slick heat,’ and ‘moistened depths’ took readers out of the throes of passionate story making – but no more!” 

Speaking after the panel, the Association of Romantic Novelists Education Coordinator, Neal Pearson, divulged, “We’re launching an education campaign to get male writers to adopt the new phrasing, post-haste!” Pearson, who achieved fame as the first author to describe eyes as “alluring orb balls” in his bestselling book Women Who Want Me, can’t wait to tackle other issues facing the romance novel enthusiasts’ community. Premier among those issues? Updating the Association of Romantic Novelists’ pamphlet, ‘Ways to Say Sex is Happening,’ by replacing the phrases “he thrust himself into her,” “rose up to meet her womanhood,” and “the age-old dance of knocking boots.” 

At press time, Kara McBride, the sole female attendee, expressed confusion that the convention felt the need to even announce that the word “vagina” was appropriate to use in literature in the first place.

Mark Manning

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