PHILADELPHIA– Customers were in for a shock at the newest hip pizza spot, “Crust,” when they went to pour oregano on their pizza. One customer, Bill Grips, claims that after he put the oregano on his pizza he was able to feel each individual nose hair in the wind. A second customer, Dyshawn Washington, stated, “I was hungry like a motherfucker after I ate the oregano.” Another customer, Cindy Travis, wouldn’t stop laughing when we tried to interview her. 

Crust’s ex-head chef, who would like to remain anonymous, is surprised and angry that the bag of oregano that he bought from a high schooler is not oregano at all but in fact “cheap weed.” On the subject, Crust’s ex-head chef explained, “I was told this kid had the best oregano in the city, that Zahav gets their oregano from them because the warmth of a back pocket adds an extra je ne sais quoi.”

Father Judge High School student Tanner “T.P.” Polinski claims he is the one who sold the Crust chef the baggie of weed. T.P. stated, “Shit, that was a jawn of weed? I must’ve mixed it up with the jawn of ‘regano I sell freshmen. Man, I wish I was at that pizza place. You’re not a cop, right?” 

The Satirer advises anyone who goes into the pizza shop to take a whiff of the oregano before you put it on your pizza, unless you want to get high on your lunch break.

Brianna Benozich

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