WASHINGTON D.C.– Sitting in a crate with a blanket draped over it to keep him calm, Senator Mitch McConnell is being brought to the veterinarian this afternoon to express his glands. “It’s actually pretty normal for the Senate Majority Leader to need his anal glands expressed every year or so,” says veterinarian Jill Seaback, while squeezing into a second set of latex gloves. “An easy way to tell when Mitch McConnell needs his glands expressed is if you see him scooting his butt across the carpet of the Senate floor.” 

“Diet plays a big role in prevention,” she continues. “If you find your Senate Majority Leader starts to get these often, I always recommend switching to Purina’s premium blend, which now comes in beef or peanut butter flavors.” 

Seaback says there are also ways to perform the procedure at home. “You’ll have to grip the Senate Majority Leader’s anal gland with your thumb and forefinger, and then squeeze in a gentle milking motion. For more tips, you can search online for “How to express Mitch McConnell’s glands at home.”

“After the procedure is done, your Senate Majority Leader might start biting his crotch if it itches. For those cases, we usually put a big cone around his neck,” Seaback suggests. “And when he gets home, make sure to reward him with a treat and tell him how good of a boy he was today.”

At press time, Mitch McConnell was happy to be back to a normal day on the Senate floor, sniffing other elected officials’ butts to get to know each other better.

Staff

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