PHILADELPHIA – After trying dozens of soaps that only left a sudsy residue and bitter taste in his mouth, resident food critic Tummy Grumbles set out on a search for any detergent that promised not to be so harsh on his skin. Unfortunately, all he found was that soap for sensitive skin still tastes like regular soap to his sensitive tongue. “Bars, liquids, even foams. I’ve had them all and they all taste exactly like soap,” Grumbles noted. He added, “They all smell different, a lot of them even smell like food, but they all taste like soap to me. What gives?” The travel-sized bottle of Cetaphil Gentle Cleansing soap he recently housed reportedly went down smoother than other soaps he’s drunk but it still very much tastes like soap. Most surprising are the soaps from Bath & Body Works called“It’s Margarita Time” and “Iced Cinnamon Roll” which apparently really taste like lye and animal fat – even more so than Head and Shoulders, one of the harsher soaps The Satirer’s food critic sampled. By the end of his search, Tummy Grumbles expressed concern that his tongue might be too sensitive and that he should just stop eating soap altogether, which he does not want to do because he loves the taste.

Zachary Decker

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