You won’t let them walk around Old City yelling “Wow, so old!”

They’re scared of the dark.

Philadelphia has been rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America and they just don’t feel like they are mature enough yet to handle that.

They’re worried their Cowboys face tattoo will not be received well.

They grew up in Philly.

“I could just FaceTime you instead.”

Their mom said no.

Because of the goddamn fucking pandemic, stop making this about you Jesus Christ, man!

Staff

For when all of us write something or we’re too cowardly to put a name on an article. Hey, we’d like to be employed by whatever soulless corporation did a Google search to make sure we’re not a moron! Now you won’t know which one of us is the moron and you have to hire whoever applied!

thephiladelphiasatirer.com

The post Reasons Your Friend Doesn’t Want To Visit You In Philly appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

SAN DIEGO, CA– Calling their finding a “grim sign of more cases to come,” researchers from the U.S. Travel Association announced this week that 7,000 more people than originally predicted morphed into pterodactyls and soared through the skies over the holidays. 

“With the coronavirus restistrictions this holiday season, we predicted only around 5,000 people would take the risk and transform their human bodies into prehistoric flying reptiles,” explained lead researcher Brittany Evans, who added that now is not the time to see people from other households, even if it’s by molting out of your outer skin layer and letting your scaly wings explode out of your spine. 

“Masks are so important right now and one thing that concerns me about this many people turning into these ancient creatures of the skies is that we don’t have masks that fit their 4 foot long beaks yet. I know stores like Old Navy are selling masks for raptors and triceratops but nothing yet for the pterodactyls.”

“I don’t get what all the fuss is about,” explained San Diego resident and proponent of human-to-dinosaur transformation Jessica Peterson. “We maintain plenty of social distancing when we fly in flocks because of our 20-foot wingspans.” 

“It’s also just so hard not seeing family during the holidays. Oh well, I gotta run and grab some groceries,” added Peterson, before poofing into a pterodactyl and screaming “KRAAAAWK.” 

At press time, researcher Evans explained that although this is concerning for the spread of the disease, “most researchers agree this is fucking incredible.”

Russ Bizaro

The post Researchers Find U.S. Exceeded Holiday Travel Predictions With 7,000 More People Morphing Into Pterodactyls And Soaring Through The Skies appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.