PHILADELPHIA– What started as a normal day soon turned chaotic for Dan “the Man” McSweeney. Dan, a local father of two and coach for the Grasshoppers Little League team, was at a screening of the new Marvel film Morbius before being asked to leave by the usher, creating a scene. 

On the incident, a witness who would like to remain anonymous said, “I was in the back row of the theater, there were maybe about three of us in the whole theater, when I heard a loud voice exclaim, ‘That’s Michael Keaton!’ It startled me the first time, but then the man kept announcing the name of every actor as they appeared on screen. At one point he even tried to argue that Russell Brand was Morbius.” 

When asked about the incident, Dan was eager to share his side of the story. “There are just so many people in Morbius that I had to let my kids know who was who. You have the best Batman, the worst Joker, and that British doctor. You know, the guy with the face. If it’s a crime to be able to recognize actors, then I’m the top criminal in this city.” The Satirer advises anyone who decides to take their father to a screening of Morbius to understand the risks. 

Brianna Benozich

The post Local Father Kicked Out Of Movie Theater For Loudly Identifying Every Actor appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.

BORDENTOWN, NJ– Tired of overly enthusiastic teens singing show tunes in their restaurant, Denny’s announced Tuesday that the company has added super glue to their beloved pancake mix. Denny’s hopes that this new ingredient will keep local theater kids quiet while families try to enjoy their meal. Before the official announcement, Denny’s tested out this practice in a select few locations, including Bordentown, New Jersey. 

One waitress at the Denny’s Bordentown location, Tippy “Knives” Johnson, lamented about how disruptive the local theater kids once were. Johnson stated, “those damn kids would pile in at seven o’clock, order their food in fake British accents, and play something called ‘zip, zap, zop.’ The hostess had to stop seating them in my section or they were gonna find out why they call me ‘Knives.’ ” When asked about the results of the super glue pancake mix, Johnson said, “the last time I felt this level of peace was before I earned my nickname.” 

Local high school theater student, Daniel Simmons, who insisted on being interviewed after his visit from Denny’s, stated, “mmmm, mmmmm. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm? Mmm mmm mmmm mmm.” 

Denny’s announced that this new ingredient will be enforced at all Denny’s locations starting this Friday, coincidentally at the same time as rehearsal season begins.

Brianna Benozich

The post Denny’s Adds Super Glue To Pancake Mix To Shut Up Those Theater Kids After Rehearsal appeared first on The Philadelphia Satirer.