BORDENTOWN, NJ– Tired of overly enthusiastic teens singing show tunes in their restaurant, Denny’s announced Tuesday that the company has added super glue to their beloved pancake mix. Denny’s hopes that this new ingredient will keep local theater kids quiet while families try to enjoy their meal. Before the official announcement, Denny’s tested out this practice in a select few locations, including Bordentown, New Jersey. 

One waitress at the Denny’s Bordentown location, Tippy “Knives” Johnson, lamented about how disruptive the local theater kids once were. Johnson stated, “those damn kids would pile in at seven o’clock, order their food in fake British accents, and play something called ‘zip, zap, zop.’ The hostess had to stop seating them in my section or they were gonna find out why they call me ‘Knives.’ ” When asked about the results of the super glue pancake mix, Johnson said, “the last time I felt this level of peace was before I earned my nickname.” 

Local high school theater student, Daniel Simmons, who insisted on being interviewed after his visit from Denny’s, stated, “mmmm, mmmmm. Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm? Mmm mmm mmmm mmm.” 

Denny’s announced that this new ingredient will be enforced at all Denny’s locations starting this Friday, coincidentally at the same time as rehearsal season begins.

Brianna Benozich

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